bar Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bar puns

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

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Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don't remember the rest.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

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A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

​

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!

A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

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A horse walked into a bar



Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

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Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One looks at the other and says, man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

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An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

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A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

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I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

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A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

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A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

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C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

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Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

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A sexual predator, a pathological liar, and a racist walk into a bar

The bartender says, What'll it be, Mr. President?

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Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.


The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"


The guy says, "Only 75 cents."

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So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

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An Irish guy walks out of a bar....

It could happen.

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Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.

All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"

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A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar

and got kicked out for being 10.

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The director of EA walks into a bar

*Download the punchline for only 4.99*

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Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

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What are the most funny Bar jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bar? Well, here are the best Bar dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bar pick up lines to share with friends.

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