baptized Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious baptized puns

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

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A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

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3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

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I got my kid baptized yesterday

Priest: Β Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?

Me: I do.

Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?

Me: I do.

Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body andΒ life everlasting?

Me: I do

Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any sexual misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?

Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!

Priest: Too late! You said it!

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The Baptised beer

A drunkard was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Beer bottle, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are at a bar.

They are arguing over who is the best at what they do. So they decide that to prove who is the best, they will go on their own into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A week later, they are again at the bar. The priest say, "I saw a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord's word. He liked so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I found a bear in a clearing. I started reading the bible to him. He loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to the rabbi, who has a broken arm, a collar, and several bruises. He says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have had started with circumcision."

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Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.

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An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

STOP! Acts 2:38! ( Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. )

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:

Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.

Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an axe and two 38's!

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A joke about squirrels.

There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels. They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation.

The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back.

The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left.

The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

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A rabbi and a bishop get in an argument.

They each agree to go into the woods, find a bear, and try to convert it to their religion.
The next day, the bishop walks in and says that when he saw the bear, he preached the gospel truth of the Lord God and the bear happily got baptized.
He then says, "So, how did yours go?"
The rabbi looks up from his hospital bed and says, "In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
*NOTE: THIS IS NOT OC. I saw it in a book of Jewish jokes and thought you guys might like it.

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So three priests are having lunch...

and the first priests complains about having bats in his bell tower. "They just moved in and I can't seem to be able to get them to leave."

The second priest chirps up with the same problem. "I've had them for 2 years now and nothing I do makes any difference."

Finaly the third priests speaks up after a big bite of his lunch. "Ya, I use to have that problem too."

"How did you get rid of them?"

"I baptized them; now the only come around for Christmas and Easter."

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A priest a minister and a rabbi...

All were trying to see who was the best at their job. They decided to go to the woods find a bear and convert it. One week later they all came back with their stories the pries went first and said well when I went out into the woods I found a bear and I gave him communion and now he's a regular church goer." The minister said he found his by the stream and baptized him and now he goes to my church frequently." When the rabbis turn came he was in a wheelchair with a full body cast and he said maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision"

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What do you call a baptized Mexican?

Bean Dip

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a competition

They both have to find a bear, and convert it to their religion. A day passes, and they meet up again to see who won. The priest shows up with his bear dressed, and holding a bible. The minister shows up with a few scratches, and the rabbi shows up in a wheelchair.

"I baptized my bear in holy water, and read the entire bible to him" the priest said.

"I tried reading the catechism to my bear, but he scratched me and ran off" said the minister.

The rabbi finally has his turn and says, "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision"

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If baptists are baptized...

does that mean protestants are protested?

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Yo Mama so fat...

she had to get baptized at Sea World!

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Being baptized is like having antivirus for a PC

It helps protect you from consequences of sinning going forward (but not guaranteed)

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Yo momma's so fat...

she had to get baptized in Sea world.

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I just got baptized in virtual reality!

It was totally immersive.

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What do you call a Muslim getting baptized?

A bath bomb

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I was happy when I was getting baptized

Then I got pulled out of the water and I then I was sad again.

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Yo mama's so fat...

She was baptized in the Pacific Ocean

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What are the most funny Baptized jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Baptized? Well, here are the best Baptized dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Baptized pick up lines to share with friends.

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