Baptist Jokes

Following is our collection of christian humor and christ one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Baptist puns for adults, dirty lutheran jokes or clean episcopal gags for kids.

There is an abundance of downtrodden jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on baptist. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fundamentalist witze you can hear about baptist.

The Best jokes about Baptist

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party?

Invite two of them

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?

Invite two of them.

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.

I said, "Don't jump."

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What denomination?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.

--Emo Philips


I was walking across a bridge...

and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
- Emo Philips


Church squirrels

All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Baptists

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? Because people might think they're dancing.

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

The Ressurection

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

Besides eating honey... what do John the Baptist, Smokey the Bear, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They share the same middle name.

A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship

When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"

The rabbi says,"fuck the children."

The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"

In a small Texas town,

the owner of Joe's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing, he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Why should you always take two Baptists fishing?

If you take just one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, they won't drink any.


there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church...

police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.

My Friend's Making a Donation Service for the Westboro Baptist Church

He's calling it Fund-A-Mental

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip

You bring a second baptist.

Heaven

There is a Jew, a Baptist, and a Christian waiting in line at the pearly gates. The Jew walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter says "You are in room 4, but when you walk past room 1 please be quiet." So the Jew walks quietly down the hall to his room. The Baptist goes next. St. Peter says "You are in room 5, but when you go past room 1 please be quiet." So the Baptist does what he is suppose to do and enters his room. Next the Christian walks up to St. Peter. St. Peter says "Go to room 6, but please be quiet when walking past room 1." The Christian leans in towards Peter and ask "Why? What is in room 1?" Peter replies "Oh, that's were the Catholics are, and they think they are the only ones up here."

A Catholic priest, a Baptist priest, and a Mormon priest are sitting in a bar

So a mormon priest, a baptist priest, and a catholic priest are sitting in a bar. The catholic priest says "I have six kids now, I have a basketball team". The baptist priest says "I have eleven kids now, I have a football team". The mormon priest says "I have 18 wives now, I have a golf course"

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.

A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"

The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle.

After a short walk, the sailors and the shipwrecked man come upon three mud huts. The captain, suspicious that the castaway might not be telling the entire truth, asks: "are there others here?"

"No, sir. Just me." Says the castaway.

"Why are there three huts?"

"Well... that one is my house... that one is my church... and that one is where I used to go to church."

Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip?

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn't have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?

The other minister thinks and then says, I don't think so, what was her maiden name?

A Baptist a Catholic and a Mormon were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The Mormon says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.

What is the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.

there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently...

the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.

What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.

What 2 things do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

They both ate honey and they both have the same middle name.

How do you stop a Baptist from drinking all of your beer at a party?

Invite another one.

Southern Baptist will get this.

A guy is stranded on a deserted island and has a big SOS made of rocks and a fire burning down on the beach. hoping for rescue.

Finally, after about a year a ship sees his fire and sends a rescue boat to the island. The rescuer gets out of the boat and sees the guy standing on the beach in front of 3 huts.

The rescuer asks "why do you have 3 huts here?"

the guy says, "well, the one on the left is my home and the one in the middle is where I go to church."

Rescuer asks "so, what's the one on the right for?"

"Oh, that's where I USED to go to church."

A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.

The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: "I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted."

The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: "I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!"

Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: "Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision."

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

Every religion has violent people...

... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS

You must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."

The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.

Extra:

What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

Why don't Baptists believe in sex?

They worry it could lead to dancing.

The religion of bras.

There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms.

There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses.

There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden.

There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group

We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.

Apparently nail gun was not the right answer

How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.

Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They don't want anybody to think they're dancing.

If baptists are baptized...

does that mean protestants are protested?

Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."

(my source: Barbara Quinn)

Did you hear about the long-sighted baptist?

He had to use a large font.

[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.

Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.

Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both said "Turn now or perish."

Right then then a car drove by and the driver flipped them both the bird and yelled "Get a life you freaks." Followed by a big splash off water.

Boudreaux looks up and says "Hey Thibodeaux ya think we should change the sign to bridge out."

Never take just one Baptist fishing with you

If you only bring one then he'll drink all your beer

Why don't Baptists approve of premarital sex?

Because it might lead to dancing.

An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar...

they all ask for your vote

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

It looks too much like dancing.

Cowboy & Preacher

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

Right away, the cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice

What's the best joke you ever heard?

For me, it's gotta be Emo Phillips' Baptist joke. Although to tell it you've gotta get his execution down.

What is the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

A Methodist will talk to you in the liquor store and a Baptist will walk right by you like he never saw you.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes