Baptist Jokes
105 baptist jokes and hilarious baptist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baptist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny baptist jokes. From clean jokes to dirty jokes, we've got all the jokes you need to keep you laughing.
Quick Jump To
- Short Baptist Jokes
- Baptist One Liners
- Baptist Church Jokes
- Baptist Drinking Jokes
- Westboro Baptist Jokes
- Southern Baptist Jokes
- More Baptist Jokes
Funniest Baptist Short Jokes
Short baptist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baptist humour may include short baptized jokes also.
- A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood The nurse asks, what's your blood type?
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O" - There are three religious truths 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. - How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip? Invite two of them.
- Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one? If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
- Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize..... Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
- Besides eating honey... what do John the Baptist, Smokey the Bear, and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They share the same middle name.
- there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church... police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
- An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar... they all ask for your vote
- Why should you always take two Baptists fishing? If you take just one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, they won't drink any.
- Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
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Baptist One Liners
Which baptist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baptist? I can suggest the ones about church pastor and catholic.
- How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party? Invite two of them
- What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
- How do you stop a Baptist from drinking all of your beer at a party? Invite another one.
- If baptists are baptized... does that mean protestants are protested?
- Did you hear about the long-sighted baptist? He had to use a large font.
- Why does Westoboro Baptist Church hate Mario Kart? Because it has Rainbow Road.
- Why don't Baptist preachers color their hair? They just pray the gray away
- How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change?!
- Why do Baptists have so many children? They only use holy condoms.
- Why don't Baptist's have s**... standing up? It could lead to dancing.
- Why don't Baptists believe in s**...? They worry it could lead to dancing.
- Why don't Baptists approve of premarital s**...? Because it might lead to dancing.
- Why don't baptists have s**... standing up? Someone might think they are dancing.
- Why don't Southern Baptists have s**... standing up? Because it might lead to dancing.
- Why don't Baptists have s**... standing up? It looks too much like dancing.
Baptist Church Jokes
Here is a list of funny baptist church jokes and even better baptist church puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Friend's Making a Donation Service for the Westboro Baptist Church He's calling it Fund-A-Mental
- there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently... the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.
- What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common? They both claim that they're first.
- Every religion has violent people... ... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS
- What do Catholics and Baptists have in common? Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
- A Scientologist and a Westboro Baptist Church member walk into a bar... No one goes to that bar anymore.
- Finally got up enough courage to skinny dip... ...just can't attend the Baptist church any more.
- Why did the Westboro Baptist congregationalist thank his Muslim neighbor? He gave the church 50 new places to protest.
- Why do members of the Westboro Baptist Church only wear tagless shirts? Because God hates tags.
- Why does the Westboro Baptist Church block searches on its homepage? Because god hates queeries.
Baptist Drinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny baptist drinking jokes and even better baptist drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner? Invite 2 of them.
- How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip You bring a second baptist.
- Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip? Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
- Why is it you have to take multiple baptists on a fishing trip? Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer.
- Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing? Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.
- Never take just one Baptist fishing with you If you only bring one then he'll drink all your beer
- Why should only take 0 or 2 baptists fishing with you? Well if you take just one he'll drink all your beer.
Westboro Baptist Jokes
Here is a list of funny westboro baptist jokes and even better westboro baptist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many Westboro Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 30. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 29 to protest it for being brighter than they are.
- What did the Westboro Baptist Church say when Union Jack was with Jolly Roger? God hates flags.
- Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Westboro Baptist's f**...? There's only two handles on a garbage can.
- Why aren't people from the Westboro Baptist Church archaeologists? Because they are *h**...*phobes.
Southern Baptist Jokes
Here is a list of funny southern baptist jokes and even better southern baptist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
- Why don't Southern Baptists make love standing up? Because they're afraid someone will look in the window and think that they're dancing.
- According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have s**... while standing up. They're afraid it might lead to dancing.
Rib-Tickling Baptist Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about baptist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pastor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baptist pranks.
A Baptist a Catholic and a m**... were talking about their families. . .
The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The m**... says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.
Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having s**... before marriage. He said, God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn't have s**... with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?
The other minister thinks and then says, I don't think so, what was her maiden name?
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious?" "Yes," he said, I said, "me too! Are you Christian?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian? Lutheran? Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist priest, and a m**... priest are sitting in a bar
So a m**... priest, a baptist priest, and a catholic priest are sitting in a bar. The catholic priest says "I have six kids now, I have a basketball team". The baptist priest says "I have eleven kids now, I have a football team". The m**... priest says "I have 18 wives now, I have a golf course"
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
What is the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?
A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.
Baptists
Why don't Baptists have s**... standing up? Because people might think they're dancing.
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
The religion of bras.
There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms.
There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses.
There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden.
There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.
Why do Baptists forbid premarital s**...?
Because they're afraid it could lead to dancing.
Here's a joke for you.
Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.
Four out of Five Baptist Divorcees Believe...........
g**... are ruining the sanctity of marriage!
What 2 things do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
They both ate honey and they both have the same middle name.
A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship
When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"
The rabbi says,"f**... the children."
The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
I think Baptists make horrible baseball players
because they believe in once safe, always safe.
How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?
Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.
What is the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
A Methodist will talk to you in the liquor store and a Baptist will walk right by you like he never saw you.
I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group
We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.
Apparently nail gun was not the right answer
What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?
A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting
"Can't s**... cause that's gay"
At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"
"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."
Show-and-Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
(my source: Barbara Quinn)
Why don't Baptists have s**... standing up?
They don't want anybody to think they're dancing.
Cowboy & Preacher
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage
of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
Right away, the cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
Two Southern Baptist ministers are having lunch
And as they often do, they start ranting about the immorality found in society. One of them starts ranting about pre-marital s**.... "It's a sin, I tell you, all of these young kids having relations outside the holy covenant of marriage. Well, I can tell you one thing, I didn't have s**... with my wife before we were married - how about you?"
The other minister thinks for a second and says "I don't think so - what was her maiden name?"
How do you get a Baptist to not drink all your liquor when you invite them to your party?
How do you get a Baptist to not drink all your liquor when you invite them to your party?
Invite another Baptist.
