Baptist Jokes
66 baptist jokes and hilarious baptist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baptist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny baptist jokes. From clean jokes to dirty jokes, we've got all the jokes you need to keep you laughing.
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Funniest Baptist Short Jokes
Short baptist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baptist humour may include short baptized jokes also.
- A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood The nurse asks, what's your blood type?
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O" - How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip? Invite two of them.
- there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church... police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
- An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar... they all ask for your vote
- What is the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.
- My Friend's Making a Donation Service for the Westboro Baptist Church He's calling it Fund-A-Mental
- How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip You bring a second baptist.
- What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common? They both claim that they're first.
- Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip? Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
- What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
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Baptist One Liners
Which baptist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baptist? I can suggest the ones about church pastor and catholic.
- How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party? Invite two of them
- Did you hear about the long-sighted baptist? He had to use a large font.
- Why does Westoboro Baptist Church hate Mario Kart? Because it has Rainbow Road.
- How do you stop a Baptist from drinking all of your beer at a party? Invite another one.
- If baptists are baptized... does that mean protestants are protested?
- Why don't Baptist preachers color their hair? They just pray the gray away
- Why do Baptists have so many children? They only use holy condoms.
Baptist Church Jokes
Here is a list of funny baptist church jokes and even better baptist church puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Scientologist and a Westboro Baptist Church member walk into a bar... No one goes to that bar anymore.
- Finally got up enough courage to skinny dip... ...just can't attend the Baptist church any more.
Baptist Drinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny baptist drinking jokes and even better baptist drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing? Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.
Rib-Tickling Baptist Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about baptist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pastor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baptist pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having s**... before marriage. He said, God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn't have s**... with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?
The other minister thinks and then says, I don't think so, what was her maiden name?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?
Invite 2 of them.
A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar
A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.
They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.
So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.
The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: "I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted."
The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: "I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!"
Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: "Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious?" "Yes," he said, I said, "me too! Are you Christian?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian? Lutheran? Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
Church squirrels
All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
In a small Texas town,
the owner of Joe's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing, he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
The Ressurection
The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.
A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"
The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle.
After a short walk, the sailors and the shipwrecked man come upon three mud huts. The captain, suspicious that the castaway might not be telling the entire truth, asks: "are there others here?"
"No, sir. Just me." Says the castaway.
"Why are there three huts?"
"Well... that one is my house... that one is my church... and that one is where I used to go to church."
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
- Emo Philips
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You must abstain from s**... for two weeks.
Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having s**... for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from s**... for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from s**... for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from s**... for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without s**... for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had s**... right there on the floor."
The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Baptists
Why don't Baptists have s**... standing up? Because people might think they're dancing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why aren't people from the Westboro Baptist Church archaeologists?
Because they are *h**...*phobes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the Westboro Baptist Church say when Union Jack was with Jolly Roger?
God hates flags.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
What's the difference between a baptist and a Presbyterian?
A Presbyterian is a Baptist who can read
The religion of bras.
There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms.
There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses.
There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden.
There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four out of Five Baptist Divorcees Believe...........
g**... are ruining the sanctity of marriage!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship
When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"
The rabbi says,"f**... the children."
The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do members of the Westboro Baptist Church only wear tagless shirts?
Because God hates tags.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.
Extra:
What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?
Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.
Southern Baptist will get this.
A guy is stranded on a deserted island and has a big SOS made of rocks and a fire burning down on the beach. hoping for rescue.
Finally, after about a year a ship sees his fire and sends a rescue boat to the island. The rescuer gets out of the boat and sees the guy standing on the beach in front of 3 huts.
The rescuer asks "why do you have 3 huts here?"
the guy says, "well, the one on the left is my home and the one in the middle is where I go to church."
Rescuer asks "so, what's the one on the right for?"
"Oh, that's where I USED to go to church."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should you always take two Baptists fishing?
If you take just one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, they won't drink any.
I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group
We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.
Apparently nail gun was not the right answer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Never take just one Baptist fishing with you
If you only bring one then he'll drink all your beer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should only take 0 or 2 baptists fishing with you?
Well if you take just one he'll drink all your beer.
[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.
Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.
Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both said "Turn now or perish."
Right then then a car drove by and the driver flipped them both the bird and yelled "Get a life you freaks." Followed by a big splash off water.
Boudreaux looks up and says "Hey Thibodeaux ya think we should change the sign to bridge out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have s**... while standing up.
They're afraid it might lead to dancing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting
"Can't s**... cause that's gay"
Show-and-Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
(my source: Barbara Quinn)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cowboy & Preacher
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage
of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
Right away, the cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice
