The Best 57 Baptist Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Baptist jokes. There are some baptist christ jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these baptist episcopal puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Baptist Jokes and Puns

A Baptist a Catholic and a Mormon were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The Mormon says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.

Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn't have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?

The other minister thinks and then says, I don't think so, what was her maiden name?

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

Invite 2 of them.

Baptist joke, How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all of your alcohol when you invite them for dinner?

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Catholic priest, a Baptist priest, and a Mormon priest are sitting in a bar

So a mormon priest, a baptist priest, and a catholic priest are sitting in a bar. The catholic priest says "I have six kids now, I have a basketball team". The baptist priest says "I have eleven kids now, I have a football team". The mormon priest says "I have 18 wives now, I have a golf course"


Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.

I said, "Don't jump."

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What denomination?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.

--Emo Philips

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Baptist joke, Overcrowded church

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

What is the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.

My Friend's Making a Donation Service for the Westboro Baptist Church

He's calling it Fund-A-Mental

there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently...

the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.

You can explore baptist christian reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean baptist lutheran dad jokes. There are also baptist puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church...

police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.

Baptists

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? Because people might think they're dancing.

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

Every religion has violent people...

... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS

I was walking across a bridge...

and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

Baptist joke, I was walking across a bridge...

The religion of bras.

There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms.

There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses.

There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden.

There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.

An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar...

they all ask for your vote

A Scientologist and a Westboro Baptist Church member walk into a bar...

No one goes to that bar anymore.


Why do Baptists forbid premarital sex?

Because they're afraid it could lead to dancing.

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

Four out of Five Baptist Divorcees Believe...........

Gays are ruining the sanctity of marriage!

Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip?

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

What 2 things do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

They both ate honey and they both have the same middle name.

How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip

You bring a second baptist.

Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.

A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship

When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"

The rabbi says,"fuck the children."

The catholic priest asks, "do we have time for that?"

Why do members of the Westboro Baptist Church only wear tagless shirts?

Because God hates tags.

Why did the Westboro Baptist congregationalist thank his Muslim neighbor?

He gave the church 50 new places to protest.

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.

Extra:

What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.

I think Baptists make horrible baseball players

because they believe in once safe, always safe.

Why don't Baptists approve of premarital sex?

Because it might lead to dancing.

How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party?

Invite two of them

What is the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

A Methodist will talk to you in the liquor store and a Baptist will walk right by you like he never saw you.

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

It looks too much like dancing.

How do you stop a Baptist from drinking all of your beer at a party?

Invite another one.

If baptists are baptized...

does that mean protestants are protested?

Why should you always take two Baptists fishing?

If you take just one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you take two, they won't drink any.

I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group

We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.

Apparently nail gun was not the right answer

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

Never take just one Baptist fishing with you

If you only bring one then he'll drink all your beer

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip?

Invite two of them.

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.

Why should only take 0 or 2 baptists fishing with you?

Well if you take just one he'll drink all your beer.

Why don't Baptists believe in sex?

They worry it could lead to dancing.

Finally got up enough courage to skinny dip...

...just can't attend the Baptist church any more.

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

Did you hear about the long-sighted baptist?

He had to use a large font.

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They don't want anybody to think they're dancing.

Besides eating honey... what do John the Baptist, Smokey the Bear, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They share the same middle name.

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the baptist downtrodden jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working baptist fundamentalist piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes