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Baptist Church Jokes

35 baptist church jokes and hilarious baptist church puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baptist church that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Baptist Church Short Jokes

Short baptist church jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baptist church humour may include short baptist jokes also.

  1. there has been a shooting at the Westboro baptist church... police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
  2. My Friend's Making a Donation Service for the Westboro Baptist Church He's calling it Fund-A-Mental
  3. there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently... the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.
  4. What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common? They both claim that they're first.
  5. Every religion has violent people... ... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS
  6. What do Catholics and Baptists have in common? Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
  7. A Scientologist and a Westboro Baptist Church member walk into a bar... No one goes to that bar anymore.
  8. Finally got up enough courage to skinny dip... ...just can't attend the Baptist church any more.
  9. Why did the Westboro Baptist congregationalist thank his Muslim neighbor? He gave the church 50 new places to protest.
  10. Why do members of the Westboro Baptist Church only wear tagless shirts? Because God hates tags.

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Baptist Church One Liners

Which baptist church one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baptist church? I can suggest the ones about southern baptist and baptist drinking.

  1. Why does Westoboro Baptist Church hate Mario Kart? Because it has Rainbow Road.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about baptist church can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of baptist church puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Hilarious Fun Baptist Church Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about baptist church you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean baptists drinking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make baptist church prank.

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

I was walking across a bridge...

and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.
Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
-
Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

There are 3 things that all religions can agree on.

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church and Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't s**... cause that's gay"

[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.

Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.
Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both said "Turn now or perish."
Right then then a car drove by and the driver flipped them both the bird and yelled "Get a life you freaks." Followed by a big splash off water.
Boudreaux looks up and says "Hey Thibodeaux ya think we should change the sign to bridge out."

Southern Baptist will get this.

A guy is stranded on a deserted island and has a big SOS made of rocks and a fire burning down on the beach. hoping for rescue.
Finally, after about a year a ship sees his fire and sends a rescue boat to the island. The rescuer gets out of the boat and sees the guy standing on the beach in front of 3 huts.
The rescuer asks "why do you have 3 huts here?"
the guy says, "well, the one on the left is my home and the one in the middle is where I go to church."
Rescuer asks "so, what's the one on the right for?"
"Oh, that's where I USED to go to church."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside

with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Why does the Westboro Baptist Church block searches on its homepage?

Because god hates queeries.

What did the Westboro Baptist Church say when Union Jack was with Jolly Roger?

God hates flags.

Why aren't people from the Westboro Baptist Church archaeologists?

Because they are *h**...*phobes.

You must abstain from s**... for two weeks.

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having s**... for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from s**... for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from s**... for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from s**... for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without s**... for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had s**... right there on the floor."
The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.

A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"
The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle.
After a short walk, the sailors and the shipwrecked man come upon three mud huts. The captain, suspicious that the castaway might not be telling the entire truth, asks: "are there others here?"
"No, sir. Just me." Says the castaway.

"Why are there three huts?"
"Well... that one is my house... that one is my church... and that one is where I used to go to church."

The Ressurection

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

In a small Texas town,

the owner of Joe's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing, he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Church squirrels

All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious?" "Yes," he said, I said, "me too! Are you Christian?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian? Lutheran? Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.

When p**...'s dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a f**... service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. p**... asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a f**... service. p**... asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's f**...?" The preacher relied, "Dearest p**..., why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

jokes about baptist church

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these baptist church jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.