banker Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious banker puns

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

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I used to be a banker...

But I lost interest.

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Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

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A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it's 200. Why is that?
The banker responds, Fluctuations
The woman snaps back, Well, fuck you white people, too!

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A banker broke up with his girlfriend...

He lost interest.

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Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

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A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

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I was thinking of becoming a banker ...

But I lost interest

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Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?

Because he was a loaner.

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A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.


The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.


"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

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Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".

"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.

"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.

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Are you a banker...

because I want you to leave me a loan.

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This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

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I wanted to be a banker

But then I lost interest.

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So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


[

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Chinese man in a London bank

A Chinese man living in London went to the bank and asked the banker, "Why I have less money in my account than yesterday?" The banker replied, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man said, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you Blitish too!"

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Bankers

A guy walks into a bank and he goes up to a teller and says "I want to open a fucking account."

The teller's eyebrows shoot up and she says, "Excuse me?!"

And again the guys says, "I want to open a fucking bank account."

"You can't talk to me that way," she says, "I'm going to get the manager!"

A little while later she comes back with the manager. So the manager looks at the guy and asks, "May I help you?"

And the guy says, "Yeah, I just inherited $500,000 and I want to open a fucking account."

And the manager says, "I see, sir. And is this cunt giving you a problem?"

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Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.

"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."

"What does your current husband do?"

"Oh he's a funeral director."

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker

"I don't know, but they got a peppermint taste."

The banker considered this for a second and made a dash for his car.

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Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost interest.

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In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.

The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"

The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"

The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."

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Kermit Jagger needs a loan.

Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.

Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,

"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

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Banker has mid-life crisis and decides to go hunting

After work one day he decides to go hunting to prove his manhood. He drives down the highway and sees a sign "Bear Hunting Season Now Open". Decides bear hunting is the manliest of hunting. Drives into a hunting store and buys a shotgun. Runs into the forest and starts looking for a bear. Spots a bear, aims his shotgun and shoots. Runs up to see his manly kill but nothing there. TAP TAP on shoulder and the bear is standing there and says: you got 2 options, 1 I kill you or 2 you let me fuck you bear style. Guy looks at the bear and says: fuck, shit, come on...ok #2. Bear unleashes a major ass fucking. Guy crawls back to hunting store and says I need a bigger gun. He buys a 10gauge elephant killer gun and runs in to the forest. Sees the bear, aims and shoots. Runs to check and TAP TAP. He turns and bear looks at him and says: you got 2 options, 1 I kill you or 2 you let me fuck you bear style. Guy looks at the bear and says: fuck, shit, not again...ok #2. Bear unleashes a major ass fucking. Guy crawls back to hunting store and says I need a bigger gun and buys the rocket launcher. Runs back to the forest, spots the bear, aims and shoots. Runs to see and TAP, TAP. Guy turns to see the bear and the bear says: Be honest, you didn't come for the hunting

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Sexual Appetite

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

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A Doctor, a banker, and a lawyer

3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away. While at the funeral, the Doctor says "I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend," so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket. The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well. The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.

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A nurse goes to the bank...

...after a long shift at the hospital. She has a check to cash.

She goes up to the counter, pulls the check out and then looks for a pen in her pocket. She begins to sign the check but then realizes its not a pen. The banker looks quizzicly at her. Its a rectal thermometer. The nurse is at her breaking point. "Shit.... some asshole took my pen"

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Why did the head banker get fired?

He just lost interest in the job

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Old bankers never die...

...They just lose interest.

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Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest

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A doctor walks into a bank...

When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He looks up at the banker and says "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"

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I asked the banker to check my balance.

He pushed me.

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Just a joke I know.

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others" She replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" The interviewer inquired.
"This one will be my fourth." She replied. "I was married in my 20s to a banker, then my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher"

"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me." She replied "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a sniper because he'll always want to take her out.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a trucker because he's in for the long haul.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a town water inspector since he'll treat her well.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.

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It's Career Day at the Elementary School...

...and everyone's dad comes in to give a presentation about their job. The first dad up is a firefighter. Next is a policeman. Then a banker, and so on, until everyone's dad has gone up to talk about their job, except one.
"Where's your father, Bobby?" the teacher asks.
"He died 2 years ago" Bobby replies.
"Well, why don't you tell us what he did before he died?" says the teacher, to which Bobby responds, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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What are the most funny Banker jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Banker? Well, here are the best Banker dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Banker pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes