Banker Jokes
111 banker jokes and hilarious banker puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about banker that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny banker jokes? We've got you covered with a collection of the best banker jokes out there!
Funniest Banker Short Jokes
Short banker jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The banker humour may include short bank cashier jokes also.
- Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely? Welcome to the shutdown...
- That annoying banker wouldn't stop asking me questions. I specifically asked him to leave me a loan.
- How did the rich man get caught sleeping with the banker's wife? He was making more deposits than withdrawls.
- Most people want to be bankers when they grow up But at this rate they are gonna lose interest
- A 2018 report showed that the vast majority of bankers have no close friends Apparently they're all loaners
- Did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes? So if you take her on a date, you'd better not teller any.
- The Florists wife was Rose The weatherman's wife was May
The bankers wife was Penny
And the senators wife was Peggy. - Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker.. He said he hates stakeholders.
- A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!" The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'." The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."
- A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me! Even after I asked him to leave me a loan.
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Banker One Liners
Which banker one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with banker? I can suggest the ones about bank teller and bank employees.
- I used to be a banker... But I lost interest.
- A banker broke up with his girlfriend... He lost interest.
- Why did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.
- a Rabbi, an accountant, a banker, and a doctor walk into a bar mitzvah
- Are you a banker... because I want you to leave me a loan.
- Old bankers never die... ...They just lose interest.
- Why won't bankers go to the opera? Because they quickly lose interest
- I asked the banker to check my balance. He pushed me.
- What did the rapper say to his banker? Can I postpone malone?
- What did the banker use for birth control? His personality
- What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A loan shark.
- This banker I know has absolutely no friends... I think he's loanly
- What do you call an Asian banker with no friends? Loan Lee
- Why did the investment bankers start dating? Compound interest
- Why did the banker like the TV show? Because he was invested in the story.
Investment Banker Jokes
Here is a list of funny investment banker jokes and even better investment banker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money! So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"
The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds" - What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff? A Con descending Altitude.
- Why did the investment banker leave her husband? She was losing interest.
- How many investment bankers does it take to screw the economy? Just one if the bonus is big enough.
- What do you call an investment banker who's always watching you? A stocker.
Quirky and Hilarious Banker Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about banker you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bank robber jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make banker pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship
They were both clinging to a life preserver. o**..., knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"
The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a s**... because he'll always want to take her out.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a trucker because he's in for the long haul.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a town water inspector since he'll treat her well.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.
It's Career Day at the Elementary School...
...and everyone's dad comes in to give a presentation about their job. The first dad up is a firefighter. Next is a policeman. Then a banker, and so on, until everyone's dad has gone up to talk about their job, except one.
"Where's your father, Bobby?" the teacher asks.
"He died 2 years ago" Bobby replies.
"Well, why don't you tell us what he did before he died?" says the teacher, to which Bobby responds, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
Kermit Jagger needs a loan.
Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.
Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,
"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Doctor, a banker, and a lawyer
3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away. While at the f**..., the Doctor says "I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend," so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket. The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well. The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.
So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[
Rich Banker
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone-call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?
The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?
Um, no, mumbled the director.
Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?
I … I … I had no idea.
So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's Father
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a b**.... B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just a joke I know.
There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others" She replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" The interviewer inquired.
"This one will be my fourth." She replied. "I was married in my 20s to a banker, then my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher"
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a f**... director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me." She replied "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
An old widow is on her deathbed,
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the action of a banker buying w**...?
A dank transaction
Why did the Baker rob the Banker?
Cause he knead that dough. ........ Sorry I'm drunk
Bankers commit massive financial crimes and the government...
put them in jail.
JK.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed
There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a f**... director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A man walk into a bank
And yells: THIS IS A ROBBERY
And banker replies: It is ,now give me your money.
A banker, a Greek and a German sit on a table ...
There are ten cookies on that table. The banker takes nine and tells the German: "Watch out, the Greek so going to steal your cookie!"
What did the banker say to the tongue when he rejected his loan application?
There's no accounting for taste.
TIL Sean Connery's banker is also his barber...
The guy works down at the Shavings and Loan.
What do you get if you cross a gardener with a banker?
A box hedge fund!
A banker, a worker and an immigrant
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
What did the banker get for Christmas?
My 401k
What did the college student say to a banker?
I am forever in your debt.
How do you clear a traffic jam at a banker convention?
With a plunger.
My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me
A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.
In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl
The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."
My banker friend keeps talking about how attractive he is...
He keeps talking about his high interest rates.
This made my fiancee try to smother me with a pillow.
What makes the Jewish Monopoly game so much harder than the original?
Because the banker starts with all the money and never gives it away.
Why did the one eyed banker lose his job?
He didn't have any debtperception.
I caught my wife cheating with the neighbor last night
They are both banned from being the banker during monopoly game night now.
That will teach them to sleep together.
Why the banker never goes to a neurologist?
Because he always has a good balance!
Did you hear about the banker who's also learning chemistry?
He's got a lot of compound interest.
A man driving to the store finds no place to park...
He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign. When he comes back, his car has disappeared. He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went. The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so."
A heart of gold.
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?
The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?
Um, no, mumbled the director.
Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister's husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?
I … I … I had no idea.
So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?
What's a bankers Favorite place to go on vacation?
The Czech Republic
Never play poker with a banker.
They always have the best suits.
A bank robber is robbing a bank
Robber: Put all the money in this bag or you're geography.
Banker: Don't you mean 'history'?
Robber: Don't change the subject!
What's a bankers favorite dish for christmas?
Speculoos
I dated a banker once
He didn't show interest
What do bankers have in common with your worst boyfriend?
They both come early and leave late.
I think I could become a banker.
I always want to be a loan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PSA: If you have unprotected s**... with a banker
Watch out! You might end up getting financial AIDS.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad's job
(German here)
The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;
"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.
So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"
"Oh, he's dancing n**... at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".
"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.
"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.
Bankers are so antisocial.
They're a bunch of loaners.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels
I fell out of my chair at the bank the other day,
My banker said, "that's odd, your balance is usually outstanding."
Why do Bankers make for great lovers
Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'd you hear about the p**... banker?
He gained interest in children.
What type of sweet does a banker keep in his wastecoat?
InvestMints
I owe money to the ghost of a banker.
He tried to repossess my house.
Did you hear about the deaf banker who got robbed?
Neither did he
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this guy going around dipping his t**... in glitter
He's an investment banker at Goldman Sachs
Why did the banker feel uncomfortable around the beautiful woman?
Because he wasn't used to paying interest to someone else.
Banker: Okay, all I need now is your PostCode? Pirate: Sure, that's CCC-CCCC
Banker: Sorry, Was that Six or Seven Cs?
Blackbeard goes into a bank...
Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says
"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."
Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.
"The standard rate? What's that mean?"
"3.14%. You know...the Pi Rate."
A Banker, a Fox News fan and a welfare recipient are at a table sharing 12 cookies...
The banker takes 11 cookies and says to the Fox News fan: "Watch out for the welfare guy, he wants your cookie!".
My Jobs—
I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn't stick with it. I tried my hand at a career in tennis, but it wasn't my racket—I was too high strung. I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way. I got a job at a pool company, but the work was too draining. I was a historian, but I couldn't see a future in it. I took a job as an elevator operator—the job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft. I took a job at UPS, but I couldn't express myself. I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.
I'm standing in a bank with a mask, glasses, gloves
The banker asks me "What can I do for you?". From the astonishment I didn't even pull out my gun.
My wife and my banker have something in common.
Neither of them will give me credit.
