Bank Account Jokes
103 bank account jokes and hilarious bank account puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bank account that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bank Account Short Jokes
Short bank account jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bank account humour may include short bank cashier jokes also.
- I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working... ... as long as I die on Thursday.
- My bank account was hacked!!! The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.
- I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
- I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.
- Mama always said Work until your bank account looks like a phone number. Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!
- My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account. They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.
- I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account. Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.
- My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts, but there is no interest.
- So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID. I said
"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!" - At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." . He enquired, " With whom?"
I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."
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Bank Account One Liners
Which bank account one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bank account? I can suggest the ones about checking account and bank interest.
- Where is the capital of Zimbabwe? In a Swiss bank account.
- My bank account is huge. It has lots of space for the money I don't have.
- After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account! $ -1,250
- My friend has Tourettes. He doesn't have a bank account.
He has a swear jar. - Men are like bank accounts. Without money they won't generate much interest.
- My wife is a keeper She kept the house, the car, and the bank account.
- Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance Just look at my bank account.
- Me: I love to travel. Bank account: Like where? To the backyard?
- What's the difference between being crazy and being eccentric? Your bank account.
- Where is the capital of North Korea? In a Swiss bank account
- What bank do birds open accounts with? The one with the most branches!
- Why are the banks collapsing? Because they don't know how to account for their problems.
- I'm addicted to poverty If my bank account has money in it I suffer withdrawal.
- One of my bank accounts is 8 figures $0.0000001
- I started the New Year clean! Just like my bank account
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Bank Account Jokes
What funny jokes about bank account you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bank vault jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bank account pranks.
Other students come by train
A student to his father:
Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son
Next day, an answer comes:
My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
s**... is like a bank account...
s**... is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of m**......
And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
Password reset
A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"
"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."
"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"
"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."
"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"
"No, you must get a new one."
"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."
"Sorry, you must get a new one."
"OK, roses."
"Sorry you must use more letters."
"OK, pretty roses"
"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."
"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
"OK, 1prettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use additional characters."
"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."
"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"
Chinese man in a London bank
A Chinese man living in London went to the bank and asked the banker, "Why I have less money in my account than yesterday?" The banker replied, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man said, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you Blitish too!"
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
worst day
A small man sits in a bar with his beer when another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one, hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts crying horrible. The other man starts to feel sorry for him and says: "Hey man, it's just a beer, i'll get you another" The small man continues crying and replies:
"Just a beer? Then listen to what happened to me today. I got fired, my wife left me, got thrown out of my house, my bank account got closed. I decided to take my life. I want to cut my wrists, knife blunt. I lay on the railway, dead track. I want to hang myself, rope tears. Now I buy some beer with the little money I have left, pour poison in it, and you drink it!"
I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.
They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.
All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.
A Jamaican man saunters into a bank
.. with a 25kg bag of m**... and hands it over to the cashier. Shocked, the cashier asks.. What's this for!? The man, a Rastafarian, replies; "Me 'ere to open a joint account, mon!"
The German tax evader in Switzerland
A German wants to bring his untaxed savings to a number account in Switzerland.
He sneaks into the bank, looks around and whispers to the bank assistant:
"Psst! I've got 2 million euros in my suitcase!"
The bank assistant replies in a normal voice:
"Why do you try to be so unsuspicious? Poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."
So I walked into a bank with a bag of w**... to deposit...
The teller asked, "what are you doing?"
I said, "I wish to open a joint account!"
A woman was telling Santa what she wanted from christmas...
She said "Santa, this year for Christmas I'd only like two things. The first a slim body, and the second a big fat bank account....
"Please don't mix them up like last year."
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
A genie gives a man three wishes...
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
I'm so broke..
.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.
I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"
An american walks into a swiss bank...
The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."
An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."
Did you hear about that poor gymnast's bank account?
Her balance was outstanding.
I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union...
...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.
Girls always think I'm ugly until they see what's in my bank account
Then they think I'm ugly AND poor
At the bank, I told the teller I'd like to open a joint account
She asked "Okay, with whom?"
"With whoever had the most money" I answered
Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.
They're the account ants
My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying w**....
It'll be our joint account.
I am a victim of cyber bullying
Every day my bank emails me to notify me that my account is under the required threshold. I do not need reminders that I am poor.
A Rastaman with a bag full of m**... walks into a bank...
and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"
An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable
I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
m**... businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..
So long as they open joint accounts.
If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...
once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"
I like the phrase less is more...
...I just wish it pertained to what was in my bank account.
Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account
They then call me ugly and broke :(
A mate of mine has a bank account just for buying raisins
It's a current account.
Me: I want to travel
Bank Account: Where? To work?
My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and w**... that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!
It's a joint account
I saw a really good movie recently about a military man in control of a top-secret bank account
It's called "Ryan's Private Savings"
Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."
Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
My bank called today to notify that my account has been reclassified
Judging by the balance they had to classify it as Satire Account
MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT
I went to Bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you're telling them no?
A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.
A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."
What did the 18th century European say when he checked his bank account?
"Oh no! I'm baroque!"
Weight-loss pills are very effective...
They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life.
Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.
d**... girl you must be a bank account
Because I have zero interest
I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID.
I said, Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you're telling them no?
What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?
You wake up.
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
I WENT to the bank
and asked to open a joint account.
The banker said, Certainly , with who?
I said, With anyone who has money.
Can anyone recommend a good bank account?
Mine's run out of money.
A couple is driving on a highway
A couple is driving on a highway when she says, I want a divorce. The man doesn't say anything, except speeds up the car.
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you. The man doesn't say anything except speeds up to he car.
I want the house, the bank account, kids, and the dog. The man doesn't say anything excepts speeds up the car.
She says, Are you listening to me? Don't you want anything?
The man replies, No, I have everything I need.
Oh? And what's that?
Right before the car rams into a wall, he says, The airbag.
Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.
I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.
I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".
Dear Santa....
All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body. Please do not mix it up like last year.
A man enters (not a bar) a bank...
... in Switzerland. "Shhh" he whispers, "I want to open an account with one million Dollars!"
"No need to whisper" says the teller, "poverty is no reason for shame in Switzerland".
An electrician goes to the bank to open a Savings Account…
turns out he's only eligible for a Current Account
The reason the bank account of I, a trans person, is empty.
Every action I make is a transaction.
I've recently started dating my bank account
They didn't like me at first, but they've slowly gathered interest