Bang Jokes

Following is our collection of ammo humor and presumptuous one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Bang puns for adults, dirty tarp jokes or clean iodide gags for kids.

There is an abundance of pow jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on bang. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any smack witze you can hear about bang.

The Best jokes about Bang

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?

The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn

Stupid firemen

If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska

Never bang someone old enough to be your mom

especially if you were adopted


Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

[email protected]#$%^&*

What do you get if you cross Putin with a...

Bang! You don't cross Putin!


My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table..

..We were quite an incestuous family.

If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called

How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had sex with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best sex we've had"

One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had sex with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"

The two other men shook their heads.

"That I was the best she has ever had!"

The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"

The third man says "once!"

The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"

The third man lays back and says:

"Don't stop!"


Hey Cutie, you remind me of my little toe you know that?

Why? Because Im cute?

No Because Im gonna bang you on the coffee table later on tonight. ;)

Newfie Joke

A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."

Two genies in a deserted house..

A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house smack bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.

He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."

So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.

He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.

When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.


As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"

To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."

Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*

Bang !

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

The new tenants

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.

Renter: They are ok. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.

Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.

Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then practising my trumpet.

A Finnish Soldier...

In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"

20 Tons of Canaries



There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.
The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

The Spanish magician

So there's this Spanish magician right and he says "I'll make myself disappear on the count of three".
"Unos..... Dos...." *BANG!" in a cloud of smoke he disappeared without a Tres.

My Uncle has a coal fetish.

Its why he likes to bang miners.

What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace?

The best bang for your buck.

What was the first orgy called?

The big BANG

"I banged the hottest chick of my class and now the whole town is talking about it."

~ Walter, 52, primary school teacher

You remind me of my little toe

Why because I'm so cute and tiny?

No, I will probably get drunk later and bang you the coffee table.

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The guy sitting on the other side says : "Why are you in such a hurry , we haven't even landed yet! "

What's the difference between the little toe on my left foot and my sex life?

Everything wants to bang my little toe

What happened before the Big Bang?

Of course, The Big Foreplay.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?

Yeah!

Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec

One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout "bang, bang".

Eventually he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn't have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a gun and went "Bang, bang." Amazingly, when he did this the Quebeckers he was aiming at would fall down. So he kept going "Bang, bang" and was very effective as a soldier. He was a good shot.

Then, he looked up and saw a big Quebecker coming down the hill towards him. So he aimed and went "Bang, bang". The guy kept coming. "Bang, bang" - no effect. "Bang, bang" - no effect.

Eventually the Qiuebecker ran right over him and continued down the hill going "Tankity, tankity, tankity".

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer who was very overprotective of his three daughters.

Turned out that all of his daughters had dates that same night. So he went on to the porch with his shotgun and waited for the dates to come.

The first boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here for Betty to go out for spaghetti. Is she ready?*"

The farmer thought he was decent and let him go with his daughter.

The second boy came and said, "*Hello, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo to go see a show. Is she ready to go?*"

The farmer thought he was decent as well and let them go on their date.

The last boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Chuck-*"

*BANG!*

There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:

'Out!'

Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'

What came before the Big Bang?

The Big Foreplay.

Guy robs a bank

Throw the bag at the teller and says fill it up. She does so and he turns around to the person behind him and says
"Did u see me rob the bank?"
Person says "yes".
Bang shoots him dead.
Goes up to the next couple.
" Did u see me rob the bank?"
Guy says "I must have missed it, but my wife saw the whole thing!"

There are 2 hunters in the woods

suddenly, one of the hunters has a heart attack and falls over. The other hunter calls 911. "Operator, I think my friend is dead," he says. "Well before we do anything else, we need to make sure he is dead," responds the operator. There is silence. Then there is a loud bang. "Ok, now what do I do"?

Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7.

At least it went out with a bang.

what's the difference between a normal consumer and a prostitute?

A normal consumer aims to get the most bang for their buck. A prostitute aims to get the most buck for their bang.

When's the best time to bang a teacher?

In between periods

After the physics lecture ended, I asked my professor What happened before The Big Bang?

He said, Sorry. There is no Time.

The state trooper is driving down the highway when...

he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain and the driver says "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them flying around."

Some people say that The Big Bang Theory disproves God...

I mean, sure, it's not the best show, but I wouldn't go *that* far.

A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...

The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"

My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard

I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p

Awful pick up line

Are you my big toe?

Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.

A man walks up to a girl in a bar and says

"You remind me of my little toe" .
She says, "Is that because I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No, its because I'm going to bang you on the table later"

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.

"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" -- so he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.

Suddenly, the statistician shouts: "We got him!"

I went to a brothel that took deer as payment

They described it as the best bang for your buck

Hey girl, are you the big bang?

Cause you're pretty hot, but very dense

A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava.

'Did you see my face?' he asks the teller.

'Just a little bit.'

Bang. He shoots her.

'Did you see my face' he asks another teller.

'Only briefly' he says.

Bang. He shoots him.

He turns to a man standing beside him.

'Did you see my face?' he says 'No. I didn't,' says the man 'But my wife, she saw your face.'

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

When I die, I want my body donated to necrophilia.

So I can go out with a bang.

Why is your mother like the universe?

They both create gravity waves when they bang.

Girl, imma treat you like I treat my pinky toe

I'm going to bang you on all the furniture all night long

My friend went to Amsterdam..

My friend is Lebanese.
While walking through the red light district,
he wanders into the first house he sees.
He says, "I'll give you $200,but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The prostitute refuses and so he leaves.
He walks up to the next house on the block and goes in.
"I'll give you $200, but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The second prostitute refuses and kicks him out as well.
So he walks up to the final house on the block and goes in.
"I'll give you $300, but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The prostitute agrees and they bang it out,
after the prostitute turns to him and says,
"I don't mean to be rude but, that was pretty average. What makes it Lebanese though?"
My friend replies, "Pay you next time".

When testing, make like a frat boy

And bang out the easy ones first

What came before the Big Bang?

"Allahu Akbar!"

I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang

Unfortunately there's no time

I like my men like I like my cocaine...

White, chopped into a fine powder, and flushed down the toilet once the police realize what I did and bang on my door.

I wish you were my big toe

So I could bang you on my coffee table

The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches

An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.

"Hey, Luigi!"

An Italian looks up and says

"Yeah?"

BANG

After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name.

"Hey-a, John!"

An American shouts back

"Hey! Is that you Luigi?"

The Italian looks up

"Yeah, itsa me!"

BANG

A penguin is driving alone through the desert...

Along the highway he spots an ice-cream stand and pulls over for a cone. He tries to eat it while driving, but being a penguin and not having any thumbs, he gets most of it all over his face. A few miles down the road there is a loud *BANG*, and his car starts smoking and sputtering. He pulls over and calls a tow truck. The truck driver spends a few minutes looking under the hood and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no! Its just ice-cream!"

Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute?

He got the best bang for his buck

Which is the better deal, YouTube Red or PornHub Premium?

PornHub Premium; you get far more bang for your buck.

What do you call a physicist orgy?

The Big Bang

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party...

and she woke up with more clothes on.

(Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)

The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...

and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
"BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC.
But then he sees an enemy soldier steadfastly walking towards him, and the "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!" doesn't work. He tries again, "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!" but the VC just keeps coming. The VC blunders into him, knocks our hero down, steps on his stomach and face as he proceeds into the distance, saying "TANKETY TANKETY TANK!"

I got kicked out of a brothel for breaking the "no pets" rule...

I was just trying to get more bang for my buck.

Man, I sure am mad about the rising bullet prices...

Now I get less bang for my buck!

what do hookers and guns have in common?

the customer wants the most bang for their buck.

clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop

Amish drive-by shooting.

Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him.

"Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left." Johnny sits up straight and says "none, the bang would make the others fly away." Ms. McHeiney says, "well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says "OK, I have one for you, three women are eating ice cream cones, one is biting it, one is licking it, one is sucking on it, which one is married?" Stumped Ms. McHeiney says "uhhhh, the one sucking on it?" Johnny puffs out his chest and says "well, the answer is the one with the wedding band, but I like the way you're thinking."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes