The Best 85 Bang Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bang jokes. There are some bang presumptuous jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bang big bang theory puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bang Jokes and Puns

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

what do hookers and guns have in common?

the customer wants the most bang for their buck.

The state trooper is driving down the highway when...

he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain and the driver says "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them flying around."

Bang joke, The state trooper is driving down the highway when...

Newfie Joke

A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

You remind me of my little toe

Why because I'm so cute and tiny?

No, I will probably get drunk later and bang you the coffee table.


Two genies in a deserted house..

A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house smack bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.

He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."

So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.

He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.

When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.

As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"

To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."

Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*

what's the difference between a normal consumer and a prostitute?

A normal consumer aims to get the most bang for their buck. A prostitute aims to get the most buck for their bang.

Bang joke, what's the difference between a normal consumer and a prostitute?

I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party...

and she woke up with more clothes on.

(Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)

Guy robs a bank

Throw the bag at the teller and says fill it up. She does so and he turns around to the person behind him and says
"Did u see me rob the bank?"
Person says "yes".
Bang shoots him dead.
Goes up to the next couple.
" Did u see me rob the bank?"
Guy says "I must have missed it, but my wife saw the whole thing!"

Why is your mother like the universe?

They both create gravity waves when they bang.

A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava.

'Did you see my face?' he asks the teller.

'Just a little bit.'

Bang. He shoots her.

'Did you see my face' he asks another teller.

'Only briefly' he says.

Bang. He shoots him.

He turns to a man standing beside him.

'Did you see my face?' he says 'No. I didn't,' says the man 'But my wife, she saw your face.'

You can explore bang ammo reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bang tarp dad jokes. There are also bang puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


When testing, make like a frat boy

And bang out the easy ones first

What happened before the Big Bang?

Of course, The Big Foreplay.

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

The Spanish magician

So there's this Spanish magician right and he says "I'll make myself disappear on the count of three".
"Unos..... Dos...." *BANG!" in a cloud of smoke he disappeared without a Tres.

What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace?

The best bang for your buck.

Bang joke, What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace?

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

Hey girl, are you the big bang?

Cause you're pretty hot, but very dense

If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska


Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute?

He got the best bang for his buck

A man walks up to a girl in a bar and says

"You remind me of my little toe" .
She says, "Is that because I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No, its because I'm going to bang you on the table later"

Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"

Awful pick up line

Are you my big toe?

Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.

There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:

'Out!'

Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'

I wish you were my big toe

So I could bang you on my coffee table

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang

Unfortunately there's no time

Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7.

At least it went out with a bang.

Bang !

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Never bang someone old enough to be your mom

especially if you were adopted

I got kicked out of a brothel for breaking the "no pets" rule...

I was just trying to get more bang for my buck.

I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table..

..We were quite an incestuous family.

What came before the Big Bang?

The Big Foreplay.

I like my men like I like my cocaine...

White, chopped into a fine powder, and flushed down the toilet once the police realize what I did and bang on my door.

Some people say that The Big Bang Theory disproves God...

I mean, sure, it's not the best show, but I wouldn't go *that* far.

My Uncle has a coal fetish.

Its why he likes to bang miners.

I went to a brothel that took deer as payment

They described it as the best bang for your buck

My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard

I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

Girl, imma treat you like I treat my pinky toe

I'm going to bang you on all the furniture all night long

If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called

How I banged your mother with two and a half men

A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ...

The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"

Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

When I die, I want my body donated to necrophilia.

So I can go out with a bang.

What do carpenters and camgirls have in common?

They both bang their fingers for a living.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

BANG@#$%^&*

The new tenants

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.

Renter: They are ok. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.

Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.

Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then practising my trumpet.

What was the first orgy called?

The big BANG

Which is the better deal, YouTube Red or PornHub Premium?

PornHub Premium; you get far more bang for your buck.

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

There are 2 hunters in the woods

suddenly, one of the hunters has a heart attack and falls over. The other hunter calls 911. "Operator, I think my friend is dead," he says. "Well before we do anything else, we need to make sure he is dead," responds the operator. There is silence. Then there is a loud bang. "Ok, now what do I do"?

When's the best time to bang a teacher?

In between periods

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"

**Bang**

"Okay, what do I do now?"

What's the difference between the little toe on my left foot and my sex life?

Everything wants to bang my little toe

What came before the Big Bang?

"Allahu Akbar!"

Hey Cutie, you remind me of my little toe you know that?

Why? Because Im cute?

No Because Im gonna bang you on the coffee table later on tonight. ;)

What do you get if you cross Putin with a...

Bang! You don't cross Putin!

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?

The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.

Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had sex with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best sex we've had"

One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had sex with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"

The two other men shook their heads.

"That I was the best she has ever had!"

The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"

The third man says "once!"

The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"

The third man lays back and says:

"Don't stop!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

"I banged the hottest chick of my class and now the whole town is talking about it."

~ Walter, 52, primary school teacher

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?

Yeah!

Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

What do you call a physicist orgy?

The Big Bang

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn

Stupid firemen

After the physics lecture ended, I asked my professor What happened before The Big Bang?

He said, Sorry. There is no Time.

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The guy sitting on the other side says : "Why are you in such a hurry , we haven't even landed yet! "

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

What do you call a prostitute with low prices?

More bang for your buck

It looks like this election won't end with a bang

But with a WI/MI/PA

What do you call a cheap prostitute who does her job well?

A good bang for your buck

What goes, "Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klip klop, Klip klop, Bang, Bang, Bang, Klippty klop, Klippty klop, Klippty klop,"

An Amish drive by shooting.

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

Karen's 911 call

Karen was cleaning Kyle's rifle and shot him by accident. She calls 911.

"It's my husband," said Karen. "I've accidentally shot him... I've killed him," she sobbed.

"Please calm down, ma'am," the 911 operator tried to sooth her. "Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"

\[Click\] BANG!

"Okay, I've done that. What now?"

What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber?

A flash bang

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"

The man is stunned and walks home.

The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:

"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"

The man weakly replies:

"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"

What do you call a cat in a gun belt?

Kitty kitty bang bang

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

Going to the gun range is a pretty fun activity for its price

You get the most bang for your buck

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

I will have to do some research on fireworks

to know which one will give me bang for the buck.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bang iodide jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bang big bang piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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