Baltimore Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

Baltimore, eat a snickers.

You turn into Ferguson when you're hungry.

The Avengers are over rated.

The Baltimore rioters destroyed half a city without any superpowers at all.

Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.

When the Baltimore rioters looted the CVS, they stole everything except for the Father's Day cards.

Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

Did you guys hear about the shoe store that got looted in Baltimore?

The only thing they left were the work boots.

I won a fight that was five against one in Baltimore today.

We totally kicked the shit out of that guy.

What's black and loves to destroy Baltimore?

The Pittsburgh Steelers

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

Rioters are destroying Baltimore.

Don't worry though, all the bookstores are safe.

Get rich quick scheme #12

Sell windows/glass in Baltimore

A lawyer boarded an airplane

in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator..
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

What did the baltimore police officer say about the black man who got shot 12 times?

Worst suicide he'd ever seen

I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak,

Baltimore has been on fire lately.

A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell...

He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man:
"Why are you so damn happy? Shouldn't this be miserable for you?"
The man replies "This isn't any worse than May in Baltimore. I'm used to this."
The devil, enraged that his attempt to punish the man were for naught, decided to increase the temperature. Another week goes by, and he checks in again, only to find the guy merrily whistling while tending a garden. The Devil again asks him.
"Why are you so damn happy? It's hotter than hell in here."
The guy again replies "Summer in Baltimore is much worse. This is nothing."
The devil tries a different tactic, lowers the temperature to just above freezing and makes it rain. Still the guy doesn't seem fazed. Finally, he lowers the temperature to about 15 degree Fahrenheit. Suddenly, the guy starts jumping for joy.
The devil asks "Why are you celebrating, it's colder than hell in here?"
The man replies "Hell has frozen over, the Orioles have won the World Series!"

What wasn't stolen when CVS was looted during the Baltimore riots?

The Father's Day cards.

What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.?

Call Baltimore, M.D.

A mailman is baffled at how to mail a letter addressed "to the greatest drummer in the world."

So what is he supposed to do? He's gotta send it. He hoofs it back to the post office, and shows it to his boss. The boss says, "come on man, send it to Chick Webb." So he does.

Chick Webb, the bandleader from Baltimore, sees the letter on his kitchen table and says, "Jesus! That can't be for me. I'm good, but come on. That's gotta be for Gene Krupa." He scribbles out his name, puts in Krupa's address, and sends it on.

Krupa gets a call on his tour of Europe, his housecleaner is calling to tell him he has a letter addressed to the greatest drummer in the world. Krupa, ever a soul of modesty, says, "Hell no, that is NOT for me. You go out and mail that letter to Buddy Rich."

A few days later, Buddy Rich gets the letter. Now you know Buddy Rich. The guy is insane. He's the top of the line. He's a black belt in karate, and he never hesitates to use it on fellow players if they screw up. His drumming is astounding. His groove is unparallelled. He takes one look at the letter and says, "you better believe that's for me!"

Buddy rips it open and begins to read. It says, "Dear Ringo..."

What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common?

They both like giving nickel rides to black men!

Driving in Maryland

My girlfriend was next to me in my car the other day. We're driving through Baltimore and she says "Did you know Maryland is the third worst state to drive in?" over and over and over. About six miles later I get pulled over by a cop. The cop says "uhh sir? You do realize your girlfriend fell out of the car five miles back right?" And I said "Wow, and here I thought I was lucky enough to go deaf!"

Ive been living in Baltimore for 2 years now and I don't know why people are so afraid of this city.

I've only been shot once!

Best punch of the week still belongs to the Baltimore mum vs. her son.

Kevin Hart is performing in Baltimore tonight.....

Should be a riot :p

What is the worst city to be a cop in?

Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.

The Best Buy in Baltimore is having a sale on TVs.

It's a steal!

What's the number for Baltimore chiropractic services?


Baltimore Ravens go low carb

Baltimore ravens go low carb and cut Rice. (I will see myself out)

Soo.... baltimore.

Probably not the best idea to burn down a cvs pharmacy. The entire city needs a chill pill.

News: Video of black Baltimore mother beating her rioting son goes viral.

She beat him so hard the police gave her a job application.

The mayor of Baltimore

What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore?

Old Bae

ACT FAST!! Huge discounts at all stores in Baltimore.

use promo code "Freddie Gray" at checkout.

sorry guys, but the discounts are in-store only.

Did you hear about the housing prices in Baltimore?

I hear they're a riot!

Baltimore? More like BaltiLESS!


The Baltimore Ravens

I use to hate the Ben Affleck and Morgan Freeman movie 'The Sum of All Fears'.

Then I moved to Baltimore. Now it is my favorite movie of all time!

Where do the Baltimore Ravens sit?

On The Wire.

How many different kinds of crabs can you get in Baltimore?

Two, and often from the same person.

Where do the happy people of Baltimore live?

In a merry land.

An old lady breaks her back when her house is broken into...

Shouldn't have called Baltimore PD

Hey I want a White Riot...

I guess I can't go to Baltimore...

What do you get when you burn Baltimore?


The Baltimore Rioters Ramsacked a CVS

The only things left were Father's Day cards

Shops in Baltimore have been completely stripped bare.

All that's left is sun cream and Fathers day cards.

Wanna know why they burnt down the cvs pharmacy in Baltimore?

They stopped selling newports...

Anyone wanna buy some housing in Baltimore with me?

I hear there's a fire sale

What is the most confusing day in Baltimore?

Father's day

Who are the Baltimore Riots?

Is that NBA or MLB?

The Baltimore Orioles' Season

Punchline is the title.

Did you guy's hear about that peanut in Baltimore?

He was assaulted.

Those guys who made League of Legends are having next event in Baltimore.

Riot Games or something

Did you hear about the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie?

They're filming in Baltimore.

What's worse than being a black guy in Baltimore right now?

I went to a comedy club in Baltimore last night

It was a riot

Job opportunity: Baltimore police officer

must have past experience as judge, juror, and executioner

What are the funniest baltimore jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Baltimore? Well, here are the best Baltimore puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Baltimore pick up lines to share with friends.

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