Ball Jokes

163 ball jokes and hilarious ball puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ball that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the duck cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the mosquito cross the road? To get to the other side! Why did the banana cross the road? Because he was sick of being mashed! Why did

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Short Ball Jokes
Ball One Liners
Golf Ball Jokes
Ball Drop Jokes
Cinderella Ball Jokes
Bowling Ball Jokes
Dragon Ball Jokes
More Ball Jokes

Funniest Ball Short Jokes

Short ball jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ball humour may include short basket jokes also.

Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on dragon Ball Z!
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have? Kermit the Frog's full attention.
My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away.. That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z... My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"
I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"
I'm going to start a quidditch ball repair shop, staffed entirely with ex-cons from Azkaban. It'll be called Snitches Get Stitches .
I threw the dog a ball the other day It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!

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Ball One Liners

Which ball one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ball? I can suggest the ones about bullet and spin.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged and took it like a champ
If I had a crystal ball... I'd sit down *really* carefully...
A tennis ball walks into a restaurant.... a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Grgglluhhgghh*
I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common? No *ball*room
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *-Choking noises-*
Despite constantly dropping the ball... Gravity is pretty reliable
If you missed the ball drop last night.... Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl
What did Cindarella do when she got to the ball? Gagged
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? ... ackhh achkghk
Why can't Cinderella play soccer? Because she keeps running away from the ball
Me : Shaking a magic 8 ball.. "Will my vision ever get better??"
Coconut :
Hey, Magic 8-Ball. Why can't I check my work email? "Outlook not so good."
What do the Patriots and Lance Armstrong have in common? They only have one good ball.

Golf Ball Jokes

Here is a list of funny golf ball jokes and even better golf ball puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches. Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!
I hit two good balls out golfing today. I stepped on the bunker rake.
My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"? I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."
My friend gave me a new "magic" golf ball. As long as you put to within 3 inches of the pin, the ball will always find its way to the hole.
He did not recommend I keep it in my back pocket.
I have invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if within 4 inches. Don't put it in your back pocket.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.
The employees play basketball or soccer Department directors play tennis. CEOs play golf!
The higher the position, the smaller the balls...
What do Romans yell when the golf ball is coming toward you? IV
I was on a golf course once and heard a guy yell "FOUR!" I ducked and the ball narrowly missed my head. But the other three beaned me good.

Ball Drop Jokes

Here is a list of funny ball drop jokes and even better ball drop puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I don't need to stay up and watch the ball drop... 2020 already dropped the ball.
Guess we're not doing Times Square this year I mean, we already dropped the ball on COVID
What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common? Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.
P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes!
I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight Turns out it was a bar mitzvah
I asked my wife what Jesus's full name was and she said she didn't remember... till I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.
The Vienna Boys Choir is having a special New Year's Eve concert. At midnight there will be a ball drop and… …all the Sopranos will become Altos.
My aunt lost a foot when someone dropped a bowling ball on her Does she walk with a limp?
No, she's just a bit shorter.
How does Times Square start the new year? By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."
How does a pre-teen celebrate the new year? The Ball Drop
Why did Atlas win worker of the year? Because he never drops the ball.

Ball joke, Why did Atlas win worker of the year?

Cinderella Ball Jokes

Here is a list of funny cinderella ball jokes and even better cinderella ball puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball? She didn't want to choke!
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?… She kept running away from the ball!…
(This has probably already been posted on here, but I don't really know, so I'm just going to post it…)
Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.
Why is Cinderella so bad at football? A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach
B. Because she keeps running away from the ball
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball "Gagging sound"
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team? Because she ran away from the ball!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the Ball? Gurhhggrhurgh
What does Cinderella say when she gets to the ball? *cough* *cough*

Bowling Ball Jokes

Here is a list of funny bowling ball jokes and even better bowling ball puns that will make you laugh with friends.

The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke... Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball...
She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.
After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling
After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball to the spectators... Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling.
I went bowling with my daughter. Next time I'll just use a bowling ball.
What does a bowling ball and your mom have in common? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back.
So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.
Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it? "M-my parents?"
"No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."
My girlfriend bought me a bowling ball the other day. She thought i wouldn't like it but, It was right up my alley!
What's the difference between your mother and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Dragon Ball Jokes

Here is a list of funny dragon ball jokes and even better dragon ball puns that will make you laugh with friends.

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it will take three episodes.
Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks? ...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Getting real sick of all the Dragon Ball Z references... Just Saiyan...
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but it takes 15 episodes.
How many dragon ball characters does it take to change a light bulb ? Only one... but it will take a few episodes.
~~The lightbulb saga~~
What's the difference between a Dragon Ball Z episode and a Markiplier video? A *Dragon Ball Z* episode doesn't have as much screaming
Some people say that Frieza was the best character in Dragon Ball Z, but... I think his brother was cooler.
The characters from Dragon Ball Z aren't that super Just saiyan
Dragon Ball fans are like creationists If you talk about Evolution, they get mad.
How many dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? .
.
.
One, but it takes 12 episodes.
*twisting slowly*
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

Ball joke, How many dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uplifting Ball Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about ball you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bomb jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ball pranks.

The Ballerina

This n**..., sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman c**... it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

Two cannibals are eating a m**... starting at opposite ends.

One says to the other "This guy's ear is delicious! Are you enjoying eating him as much as I am?"
The other cannibal says "I'm having a ball."

The Skunk

One cold night, this couple was driving down the road, and the girl notices this black ball of fur on the side of the road. She makes him pull over, and she sees that it's a skunk that's about to freeze to death. She asks him, "Can we bring him with us in the truck to warm it up?"
He says, "I guess it's okay. Bring him in."
She goes, "Where can I warm him up?"
"Put him between your legs, that'll warm him up."
"Well, what about the smell?"
"You can hold it's nose, can't you?"

A golfer and heaven

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"

New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.
Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.
Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...
After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

My dog can speak English.

My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

A man walks into a bar...

I'm writing this from the hospital

Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."
I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....

Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !

Two cannibals are eating this guy....

One of them ask, "So, you having fun?". The other one says "Yeah. I'm having a ball."

I've just got back from a f**... of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

My friend gets mad when I mention he only has one ball.

That's no reason to get testy.

I went to see the ballet, and..

..all the dancers were standing on tiptoe.
I said,"Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a g**...?

Guys will actually look for the golf ball.

And God said to man, "I will put obediant women on all corners of the world,"

then laughed as he made the world a ball.

A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"

He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?

So they don't wake up the audience!

Balloons For Sale!

They're 10c each or if you want them filled its 20c
Ive adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."
"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"
"Ha! That's what you think!"

Why did the balloon prices go up?

Because of inflation.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."
I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"
"Found it"

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball

You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died

My first s**... experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

A police officer pulls a man over

"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.
"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.
The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."
"Sir, the police doesn't have b**....", the officer says.
There is a moment of silence, and then the officer just hands the civilian his documentation, goes back to his car and drives away.

I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

I threw a ball for my dog....

Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a dinner jacket.

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts?

They are afraid of pop music.

A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.

It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.
"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.
The door pops open.
"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman.
"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."