Bald Man Jokes
82 bald man jokes and hilarious bald man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bald man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bald Man Short Jokes
Short bald man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bald man humour may include short bald guy jokes also.
- Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants? So he could run his fingers through his hair!
- A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head. From a distance they looked like hares.
- A man walks up his bald friend, rubs his head and says "smooth. Just like my wife's behind." The friend reaches up, rubs his head and replies "My gosh. You're right."
- There was a lot of controversy with the bald man's will Turns out he didn't have any heirs
- What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? Thanks ill never part with it
- A man walks up to a bald guy in a bar, rubs his head and says "Smooth. Just like my wife's behind." The bald guy reaches up and rubs his head. "Wow. You're right." he replies.
- A bald man was once presented with a comb as a gift... He said, "I'll never part with it."
- Comb On! What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I'll never part with it! - A bald man... a bald man decides to take a shower, he enters the bathroom, slips due to water on the ground, falls on his head, slips again.
- Prayers before going on a blind date Woman : oh god, I just hope he is not a serial killer,psychopath,needy, incel, stalker, poor,balding, ...
Man : god , don't let her be fat..
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Bald Man One Liners
Which bald man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bald man? I can suggest the ones about bald people and bald head.
- What did the bald man say to his hair? I don't know, but they had a real falling out
- Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets ? To run his hands through his hair.
- Did you hear about the bald man's will after he died? Turns out he didn't have any heirs.
- What do you call a bald man on a windy day? Fortunate.
- A comb is the best present a bald man can receive He'll never part with it.
- Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? Cause it looked like hare from a distance.
- What do you call lice that lives in a bald man's head? Homeless
- What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common? Hare loss.
- What is it that no man wants but no man wants to lose? A bald head.
- What do you call a bald man's lice? Homeless
- What did the umpire say to the bald man? "You're outta hair!"
- What do you call a head louse on a bald man? Homeless.
- Why is it so hard to get a comb from a bald man? Because they never part with them
- Why was the medicine man for bald eagles arrested? He was selling ill-eagle drugs.
- My luck is like a bald man... That won a comb.
Witty Bald Man Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about bald man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bald jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bald man pranks.
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops.
At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off.
She turned to the bus driver and said, "I think I was just molested back there."
The bus driver looked at her and said, "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been."
So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off.
She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, "I think I was just molested back there."
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of.
He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus.
To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says, "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again."
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.
I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Dandruff in the Elevator
A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.
About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn't seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.
His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.
The blonde got really confused before asking,
Wait, how do you give shoulders?
Valentine Cards
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
High School Reunion
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, old man asked me:
"What did you teach?"
Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..
WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
s**...
ASKED
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
A balding, white haired man from Bellville, in Cape Town
walked into a jewellery store in Tygervalley this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger blond at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $240,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
Photo Album
A young boy was looking through
the family album and asked his
mother, "Is this you on the beach?
Mother says "Yes, it is"
Son asks "Who's this guy with you with all the
muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed
fat man who lives with us now?"
Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither. He's bald."
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
"Thanks, I'll never part with it."
I have the first signs of baldness, a friend said to me that my head it's like the house of a rich man...
two car entrances in the front and a pool in the backyard.
A man's s**... life is like an oak tree
You spend the first part of your life growing up and not doing much. Then later you nut almost constantly for a short period of time, right up until you go bald
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
A man travels to an island...
A person travelling remarks on how healthy the locals look, and an attractive man says, "Yes, it's the island. When I first arrived I was bald, didn't have teeth, and couldn't walk -- but now look at me."
The traveler: "Wow... That's amazing. So where are you from?"
"I was born here"
Credit to /u/TheNightWind.
An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...
At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right m**...!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"
(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old
You know, they're making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it's time for blastoff...
they'll baldly go where no man has gone before.
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A guy walked into his friend's office
, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."
A man was balding very quickly
But he did not want to get a hair transplant nor did he want to take some odd medicine for it. So he decided to tattoo a rabbit on his scalp instead.
A friend of the man asked: "Why would you tattoo a rabbit on your head?"
The man answered: "Because from a distance it looks like hare."
A bald man walked into a barber shop
As he entered, he thought to himself "What am I doing hair?"
A joke from my dad
A balding man said to his wife
"I've bought several rabbits for the garden"
Why?
"Well from a distance it'll look like I have lots of hare"
Ever since my daughter was born people have said, "She looks just like you!"
I'm not sure how to take that. I think -- maybe -- they're trying to be nice? But they've literally just said, "Hey, your little girl looks just like a fat, balding middle aged man."
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations
The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Why is Picard the best possible captain for the Enterprise ?
You can be sure he will baldly go where no man has gone before.
A man is arrested for killing a condor
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
I went into a mirror shop. I said, "I wanna buy a mirror, you fat, bald, ugly man!"
He said, "I'm over here, sir!"
A man is caught feasting on a Bald Eagle by a park ranger.
He is taken to court and the judge asks him why he committed this crime.
The man replies I had no other choice and this was my only way of survival.
Given the circumstances, the judge decides that this man is telling the truth and let's him off the case. But being curious, the judge asks Well, how did it taste like?
The man replied Have you ever had Spotted Owl?
What did the lice say to the bald man?
.............I'm falling!
What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?
You need a toupee!
WHAT HAPPEN TO MAN WHO USE OWN HAIR AS TOOTHBRUSH
HE QUICKLY GO BALD... ALSO TOOTHBRUSH NOT WORK EFFECTIVE
h**... h**... h**...
A balding guy asks his gf "What would make you leave me for another man? I would never ever leave you."
She says: "Nor would I."
What is the difference between a prince, a bald headed man, a monkey and an orphan?
The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.
Did you hear about the bald man?
yeah, he tattooed rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.
So if a man who is bald on the forehead is said to be smart, and a man who is bald on the top of his head is said to have been thinking too much, what do you call a man who is bald on the forehead AND the top of his head?
He thinks he's smart.
Most successful personal ad in the UK ever
Old, fat, bald, poor man seeks woman. HAVE AIR CON
Turns out there are hundreds of woman in my area who want to meet me right now!
Missing
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back? "
The job interviewer asked me, what my weakness is.
So I told him that I am brutally honest.
He acted surprised and said he sees this as a strenght, not as a weakness.
But after that I was thrown out of the building only because I replied that I am not interested in the opinion of an incapable fat bald man.
A man walks into a barber shop
The man walks in an sits down.
Barber: So how do you want it cut?
Customer: Well, I'd like you to leave it patchy on the sides, give me some bald spots on the top, and cut a zig zag all the way up the back.
the Barber steps back in shock.
Barber: Sir… I can't do that.
Customer: Really? That's what you gave me last time, you son of a b**....
A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there's so little of it?
Well, said the barber, I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you're paying for is my searching for it.
