Balance Jokes

Following is our collection of consciousness humor and debit one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Balance puns for adults, dirty bank jokes or clean assets gags for kids.

There is an abundance of libra jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes on balance. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any gumball witze you can hear about balance.

The Best jokes about Balance

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.







"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.







"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance

... So I pushed him over

I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over


Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.

So I'm in line at the ATM.

And the old woman in front of me asked me to help her check her balance..

So I pushed her over

You know the saying "bros before hoes"?

Well, I've found out how I can balance my relationships between the two evenly...



...a homie-hoe-stasis, if you will

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.


A woman standing next to an ATM asked me if I can help her check her balance.

So I pushed her.

Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven

They both want to see if their powers still work


so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"


So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.


"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"


"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

I was waiting in line at the ATM

when I noticed the old woman in front of me having a bit of trouble using the machine. I walked up to her and asked if she needed any help. She turned to me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg

He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over

I lost my job as a bank teller on my first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I shoved her and she fell down.


I'm normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing. He was just checking his balance.

The bank called today to let me know I had an overdraft balance that was still outstanding

I said thanks, that's really nice of you to say so

A customer asked me to check their balance.

...so I pushed them over and they fell.

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

I lost my job as a cashier today.

An old lady asked if I could check her balance so far.

So I pushed her over.

A woman asked me to check her balance in the bank.

So I pushed her over.

I'm a bank teller and some old lady asked for help checking her balance

... So I pushed her over

I'm so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad...

But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.

Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!

Today at the bank, an old lady asked for me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem...

They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!

My bank is really proud of me.

They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance.

So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in their final showdown...

...light sabers are flashing, the balance is delicate, but suddenly Luke knocks Darth's weapon away. As it's skidding out of reach, Luke moves in for the final blow. Quickly, Darth holds up a hand and says "Luke, wait! I need to tell you something". Luke, sensing a trap, asks why he should do such a thing. Darth replies, "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas." Slightly taken aback, Luke asks "How do you know that?". Darth replies "Luke, I felt your presents."

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

A little old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why can't a broke man do acrobatics?

His balance is terrible

I got fired on my first day at the bank yesterday when an old lady asked me to check her balance

I pushed her over

The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like this." The man ran up to the top of the church and hit the bell with his face to make it ring. when he came down the priest said " Well I guess you got the job."
Over the years the man kept ringing the bell by hitting his face against the bell and causing it to ring, while, however, causing the man to be off balance. One day he went up to the bell, rung it again then slipped off the roof and landed hard onto the asphalt, killing him instantly. Two people found him dead in the parking lot, one asked the other " You know him?" to which the other said " Not really, but the face sure rings a bell."

What were the founding father's favorite cereals?

Chex and Balance

My bank loves me.

They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

I don't usually brag about my finances, but...

my credit card company calls me almost everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding

Why did the gymnast's account get sent to collections?

She had an outstanding balance.

Last night I was drunk and walking back home with gf. I tripped into an ATM and told her I was just checking my balance

On my first day as a bank teller, a woman told me to check her balance..

So I pushed her

An old lady standing in line at a bank machine asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

I asked the banker to check my balance.

He pushed me.

A old lady in a bank ask me to check her balance so i pushed her over

and her balance was bad

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I'm happy to say that I've achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

The other day I had to go to the bank...

There was an old woman in line ahead of me, and she was having trouble with the ATM.

She turned to me and asked to help check her balance.

So I shoved her over.

I was at the bank earlier and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance for her

I still don't understand why she was mad when I pushed her over

Old lady at ATM

Last night I was walking home late at night when I saw an old lady having some trouble at an ATM machine . I approached her and asked could I help her in any way .

She turned around and thanked me before explaining that she simply wanted to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

I don't mean to brag..

But my credit card company calls me every day to say my balance is outstanding.

Why did the bank teller push the old lady over?

Because she asked to check her balance.

What does my Uncle and my account balance have in common?

I cry whenever I see them.

Why did the bill collector go after the gymnast?

Because he had outstanding balance

A builder came up to me.

He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?"

"Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

Did you hear about that poor gymnast's bank account?

Her balance was outstanding.

Check balance

Q: What happened when the man asked the bank teller to check his balance?
A: She pushed him over.

Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one, "I still have my wife!"

My new bank is very uplifting...

I'm $1,000 in debt, but they said my balance is *outstanding*!

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: Β£7 000 000.00

Balance: Β£0.00

I rode my unicycle to the bank today. They told me I have outstanding balance.

I'm not exactly sure how to take it.

I was at the ATM when...

This old lady approached me and asked if I could check her balance for her so i pushed her and she fell down.

Her balance was not that good.

Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...

He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.

How did the psychic balance work and family?

By finding a happy medium

I was going to buy a seesaw

But I didn't have enough balance.

An old lady at the ATM

The old lady in front of me at the ATM was taking a while. When done, she turned around and asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

I could win an Olympic gold medal

If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

What did the Loan Officer say to the Tightrope Walker after he gave him a loan?

You have an outstanding balance

Got a compliment from my bank today.

I have an outstanding balance.

By far the best black friday deal of 2017...

My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.

"Sir, your balance is outstanding."

I know my balance is outstanding, I've been skateboarding for years, but I fail to see how that's going to help me pay back this debt!

This morning I was at the atm when an elderly woman asked if I could check her balance

So I pushed her over

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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