Baked Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

What's the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One's a shit pie and the other's Ajit Pai.

What's baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

What do you call a high person with Downs Syndrome?

A baked potato.

My 11 y/o brother told me this

What is pickle bread before its baked?

Dill dough

A married truck driver goes into a brothel

He says to the madam "I'll give you $500 for your ugliest girl and baked beans on burnt toast."

The madam replies "For $500 I'll give you my best looking girl and a 3 course meal."

The truck driver replies "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

What do you call a stoner with down syndrome?

A baked potato.

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people?

Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.

...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

If a guy with Red Hair works at a Bakery, does that make him a GingerBread Man?

I ask this because I'm baked at the moment..

looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online...

Heinz site's a wonderful thing

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

What do you call a stoned Irishman?

A baked potato.

To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

Two Muffins In An Oven

Two muffins are in an oven

One muffin says to the other muffin
"Man it's hot in here."

The other muffin replies
"Holy shit, a talking muffin... I must be baked."

My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

What do you call a funny baked good?

a pun

What do you call a stoned pig?

Baked Ham

A grandpa takes his grandson fishing...

So, they're out on the lake and the grandpa takes out a cigarette. The grandson asks, "grandpa can I have one?"

The grandpa asks, "can you touch your dick to your ass?"

"No, grandpa I can't."

"Then you're too young to smoke a cigarette" declared the grandpa.

A little while later, the grandpa takes out an ice cold beer. The grandson asks, "grandpa can I have one?"

The grandpa asks, "can you touch your dick to your ass?"

"No grandpa I can't."

"Then you're too young to drink a beer" declared the grandpa.

A little while later, the grandson took out a warm plate of grandma's fresh baked cookies. Grandpa asks the boy, "can I have one?"

The grandson asks, "can you touch your dick to your ass?"

"Well, yes. I can!"

"Then go fuck yourself, grandpa. These are my cookies!"

Why don't Jews do drugs?

because last time they got baked it didn't go so well

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

A teacher calls up her first grade class from recess

She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"

a little corny but here it goes...what can u make with onions and baked beans?

tear gas

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking...

...and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cunt."

What do you call a spud that smokes weed?

A baked potato

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans?

Baked Beans

Why couldn't the potato get off the couch?

Because it was baked.

An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme

Fortunately, it was foiled.

Special needs bus crashes into local pot shop and catches fire.

Baked potatoes all over the place.

what do you call a high Rowan Atkinson?

Baked bean.

A Cannibal Joke

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary, I've baked them, I have roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks, What kind of missionary do you use?

The other replies, You know, the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the lake. They have those brown cloaks with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

Aha! the second cannibal replies. No wonder – those are friars!

First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.

Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.

Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to Hawaii and for 2nd I get a cake?

Rabbis says - You don't understand - this cake was baked with loving care by the rebbitzen [wife of the rabbi]

Litvak says: "Fuck the rebbitzen"

Rabbi says - No, that's first prize.

Had Irish 7 coarse meal for lunch today

6 pack and a baked potato. Was delicious!

I baked some synonym buns this morning

Just like grammar used to make.

Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!


Just made that up moments ago

Discrimination?

A First-grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's great. Tell you what, go to the blackboard, and if you can write the word 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you can write the word 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Leroy what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.

Tell you what, if you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

It irks me when people say I have "half baked ideas"

all my ideas happen when I'm fully baked.

I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

What's a Brit's favorite baked good?

£ cake.

Whats the difference between a Muslim hippie and a Jewish hippie?

One's stoned and one's baked.

What do you call a kid with down syndrome when he's high?

A baked potato.[](/changeling)

What happened to Mr. Potato Head when he smoked weed?

He got baked.

What would you call a 100 year old can of baked beans?

Has-beens.

I hear jews don't use weed

I guess they don't like getting baked.

I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans.

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

What do you call a potato from Colorado?

A baked potato

I thought I was in heaven when I happened upon a shack in the middle of the desert. It had a sign that read, 'Cannabis Hut, get baked for free!'

Apparently, cannibals can't spell very well.

Shot the dog

A mother has three children, two girls and a boy. The boy has a BB gun and when he shot and broke a window the mother took the BB's and put them over the fridge. The children's hard of seeing grandmother lived with them and when she was cooking one day she accidentally baked the BB's into a cake, witch the children ate. Later one of the girls ran up to her mother crying and said "MOM MOM! I peed out a BB!" Then the other girl also came running up crying "MOM MOM! I peed out a BB!" The boy then came running up saying "MOM MOM!" The mother interrupted saying "Let me guess, you peed out a BB?" "NO!" He said "I was out behind the shed jerking off and I shot the dog."

An American and Canadian walk into a bakery

The American ordered some Baked Alaska. The Canadian, however, was having Nunavut.

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ...

The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked.
The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie.

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

What's a stoners favorite dessert?

Baked goods

Irony: I baked a Death By Chocolate Cake...

and gave it to my dog to celebrate his birthday.

What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew?

The stoner doesn't scream when it's baked.

What do a cheezit and a hungry white stoner have in common?

Both are baked snack crackers.

What do you get when all 50 states legalize marijuana?

Baked Alaska.

Why was the potato so hungry?

It was baked.

Why can't you make a movie with with Jewish people smoking weed?

You can't show a group of Jews getting baked

What do you get when you combine someone from Colorado and someone from Idaho?

A Baked Potato

What do you call a group of stoned Mexicans?

Baked beans

A man with a terminal illness has gone home to die.

he is laying in his bed and after making his peace with God and man he is ready to send his soul to the hereafter. As he is drawing what will be his last breath he catches a whiff of his favorite smell in all the world...fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. So summoning a super human strength he rolls out of bed onto the floor, crawls to the top of the stairs, then head over heels he tumbles all the way downstairs. On his belly he drags himself into the kitchen. As he is laying there on the tile he can just see the edge of the cookies hanging over the counter. He reaches a weak hand up and then *KERRRWACK* right on his hand. He looks up and his wife is standing there holding a spatula. She says "STOP IT!!! Those are for the funeral".

Why was the cookie afraid of getting drug tested?

Because it was so baked

A muffin and dough and are having a conversation.

And the muffin says, "Dude, everything is energy man; it's all energy swirling around. Good energy, and bad energy, and it all depends on what energy you tap into. It's like the planets and electrons and stuff; everything is swirling."
The dough replies, "Dude, you're baked."

I Peed A Bee-Bee

So this mom was baking a cake for her youngest son and as she was taking the batter across the room to show her husband, she accidently bumped the gun cabinet and a box of bee-bees fell into the mix. Frantically the mother got a strainer and got out as many bee-bees as she could. Deciding that she got all of them she baked the cake and got it ready for the guests. After the party she hadn't heard any complaints so she was sure she had got all of them. A couple hours later her youngest son comes running out saying,"momma momma momma, guess what i did?"
"what?" says the mother
"i peed a bee-bee!"
the mother thinking quick says, "oh thats natural son" and she shoos him away.

A little later her middle son comes up and says, "momma momma momma, guess what i did?"
"what?" says the mother
"i peed a bee-bee!"
"oh thats natural son" and she shoos him away

a couple hours later her oldest son comes out saying, "momma momma momma, guess what i did?!"
"i know i know, you peed a bee-bee, thats natural son" says the mom
"No!!! I was jacking off in the garage and I shot the dog!!!"

A Prime Rib, A Baked Potato, and a Garden Salad walk into a bar...

The bartender snaps his head away from the newspaper and yells, "Beat it, guys!" "We don't serve food!"

What do you call a potato smokin' a joint?

Baked!

Most people like their eggs fried or scrambled, I like mine baked...

in cookies, brownies and cake.

What are the funniest baked jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Baked? Well, here are the best Baked puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Baked pick up lines to share with friends.

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