bail Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bail puns

If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

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An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

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What's it called when Batman ditches church?

Christian bail.

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Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him

Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t

Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t

Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

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The officer said You're staggering.

I said You're quite handsome yourself.
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.

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Superman grandpa

On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?

Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.

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What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bail

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a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"

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A man is charged with a felony...

The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:

"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.

Much love,

Father"

The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:

"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"

Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:

"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"

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A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

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How did Batman get out of religious jail?

He had to pay Christian Bail

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The other day a Cop pulled me over...

After asking for my documentation he said, "your eyes seem a bit red, have you been doing drugs?" To which I replied, "well now sir your eyes seem a bit glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
We both laughed and laughed some more!
I need bail money!

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The police were tracking down a serial killer.

The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

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So I got pulled over the other day...

The Officer asked, "Are you drinking?"

I said, "You buying?"

We just laughed and laughed and laughed...

I need bail money.

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Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release Fart.
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.

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Officer: You drinking?

Me: I don't know are you buying?

He laughed, I laughed... I need bail money


Editorial: Yes I copied this from a comment... Shhhh

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Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?

Because they took Pita on them

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A request for Fish Jokes

My girlfriend really likes and jokes and fish. But when looking for fish jokes on the web i did not find anything except:

"What did the magician say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod"

"Why don't fish play basketball? because they are afraid of nets"

"What did the fish say when he posted bail? I'm off the hook!"

Does anyone have any good fish jokes to share?

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Pilot held without bail.

Judge concerned about the risk of flight.

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I waved at a feminist yesterday ...

Does anyone have bail money?

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How do you get out of a Mexican jail?

Taco Bail

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A good friend will bail you out of jail

But a true friend will be sitting there next to you saying "damn, we fucked that one up"

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If I had a nickel for every watermelon I've chucked at my neighbors window.

I still wouldn't have enough bail money for a vandalism lawsuit.

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What do you get when batman stops going to church?

Christian Bail.

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How did the priest get out of Jail?

Christian Bail

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Dustin Diamond aka 'Screech' arrested for bar stabbing...

Will he be, '"Saved by the Bail"?

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I held the door for a feminist

now who wants to bail me out

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The name is bond

Bail bond

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How do you get a horse out of jail?

Hay bail.

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A bailiff works at a bakery and is asked what kind of bread they have.

"All ryes."

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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

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BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the... ME: no

JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?

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What do you call batman when he misses church?

Christian Bail

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What did the bailiff say at bread court?

All rise!

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My catholic friend was arrested for drunk driving in batman costume....they gave this

**Christian, Bail**

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What are the most funny Bail jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bail? Well, here are the best Bail dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bail pick up lines to share with friends.

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