Bags Jokes

171 bags jokes and hilarious bags puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bags that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Did you know that alpaca my bags and money bags aren't the only kind of bags out there? Laugh out loud as you learn about different types of bags and their funny jokes. From tea bags to carry-alls, discover the aisles of bag jokes and satchel-related puns that will leave you with a smile!

Funniest Bags Short Jokes

Short bags jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bags humour may include short bins jokes also.

  1. A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
    It was a brief case.
  2. A father in iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"
  3. What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
    Bit of British humour right there ;)
  4. Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
  5. Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too
  6. My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
  7. Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:
    "I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
    "Sir, you can't do that."
    "Why not? It happened the last time."
  8. Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
    B: You can have both
    A: Three
  9. School joke Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
    One boy throws his bag out the window.
    Teacher: Who just threw that?!
    Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
  10. I went to the store to buy condoms last night. The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"
    I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

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Bags One Liners

Which bags one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bags? I can suggest the ones about baggage and cargo.

  1. Cashier: Scans Condoms Do you need a bag sir?
    Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly
  2. My dog ate a whole bag of scrabble tiles. I took him to the vet. No word yet.
  3. I'm done buying trash bags... I always just end up throwing them away anyways
  4. Why is it good being an orphan Every bag of chips is family sized
  5. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag You can hide but you can't run
  6. How do you watch NASCAR without a TV? You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
  7. I like my women like I like my tea. In a bag, underwater.
  8. I thought for my whole life that air was free... ...then I bought a bag of chips.
  9. Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day, The vacuum works just fine now.
  10. An Iraqi father gave his daughter a new bag ... She said: "thanks for the Baghdad"
  11. What do a walrus and a ziploc bag have in common? They both like a tight seal.
  12. Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag? It was a brief case.
  13. I like people like I like my tea. In a bag....underwater
  14. Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy
  15. Life is like a bag of jelly beans Everyone hates the black ones

Money Bags Jokes

Here is a list of funny money bags jokes and even better money bags puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?" I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."
  • I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money! So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.
  • A man has an airtight bag of money He leaves it and comes back 10 years later. It is full of air. The son goes, "the rate of inflation has just skyrocketed the past few years"
  • Don't know what to do Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?
    Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....
  • Did you hear the one about the three russians who robbed a bank? The first was Stalin the cops, the second was Putin the money in the bag, and the third was Lenin a hand to the second.
  • A bank robber is robbing a bank Robber: Put all the money in this bag or you're geography.
    Banker: Don't you mean 'history'?
    Robber: Don't change the subject!
  • Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
  • One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.
    Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
    He got a bag of chips and a drink.
    He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.
  • Why did a woman include a bag of m**... with her ATM transaction? She thought it would speed up her deposit!
  • What do you get when you put a hugs, illiteracy, running shoes, and money altogether? The d**... bag Manny Pacquiao shouldn't have lost to.

Eye Bags Jokes

Here is a list of funny eye bags jokes and even better eye bags puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I met a girl who's family is so loaded... even the bags under her eyes are designer
  • I sent the apprentice out to get some tea bags.. The kid asked, "What type?"
    To which I said, "Get some C. U. N. Tea."

    He was gone for quite a while and came back with a black eye but no tea.
  • I'm so rich... Even the bags under my eyes are Gucci
  • Today my wife pointed out that she had eye bags. I said that now she can go window shopping.
  • I bought a box of condoms last night and the cashier asked if i needed a bag.... I said no, my wife just closes her eyes.
  • See these bags under my eyes? They're Prada.
Bags joke, See these bags under my eyes?

Alpaca My Bags Jokes

Here is a list of funny alpaca my bags jokes and even better alpaca my bags puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do camels learn to mate ? They read the Llama Sutra.
    Alpaca my bags, I think.....
  • My spouse told me to stop making animal puns or leave.. I guess alpaca my bags then
  • What did the animal say when it was told to leave the zoo? Fine! Alpaca my bags.
  • What does a llama do when it goes on holidays? Alpaca ya bags.
  • What did the one llama say to the other before they went on vacation? ALPACA BAG
  • What did the male alpaca say when he was kicked out of the house for cheating on his wife? Alpaca bag.
  • A llama walks into her house to see her husband in bed with another llama After a moment of intense silence, the husband gets up and says, "alpaca my bags."
  • Why did the lama get pulled aside by the TSA agent? He didn't alpaca his own bags.
  • My wife is k**... me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns... 'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
Bags joke, My wife is k**... me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

Comical & Quirky Bags Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about bags you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean handbag jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bags pranks.

My wife got mad at me for not knowing my sense of direction

So I packed my bags and right.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.
After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.
He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.
Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:

Peeing in the Flowers...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.

A man comes home from work

and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"
"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."
*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?"
Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?

Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.


An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

1st thing to do when you win the lottery

A man bursts through his front door with a look of excitement on his face. He runs to his wife.
"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" he exclaims.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" she claps her hands, "where are we going?"
"I don't care where you go, just make sure you're out of here by tomorrow morning."

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

Physics Joke

A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says "can I help you with your bags?" And the photon replies, "no it's ok, I'm traveling light."

Guy comes home and says to his wife, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

She jumps for joy and asks, "Where are we going?!?"
He says, "I'm not going anywhere. You're outta here!"

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

3 bags.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Englishman says "Woof!" so they pass it off as a bag of puppies. They poke the third bag and the Irishman says "Potatoes!"

So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Zombie Apocalypse has begun...

Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take?

Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have.

Girls are a lot like sleeping bags.

I really like being inside them, and they cost about $200.

until tomorrow joke

I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.

They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"

What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

A woman hits the jackpot...

A guys wife comes home and says, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"
The guy says, "Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care, just get out!"

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Really? You're joking, right?" I asked my dad.
"No I'm not", he said. "Pack your bags , they're going to be picking you up in an hour."

Why doesn't the sun pack it's bags?

Because it's traveling light!

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

A photon checks into a hotel..

The bellhop says: "Can I get your bags?"
The photon says: "that's ok, I'm traveling light"
- I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson tell this joke with pure giddiness

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…


A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A man is married to his wife Lorraine

But he is secretly having an affair with his neighbor Claire Lee.
One day Lorraine discovers her husband has been cheating on her and swiftly packs her bags and leaves the next morning.
The man doesn't mind, and on his way to see Claire Lee the next morning he can't stop singing that one song
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"

My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage...

The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?"
The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!"

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

What's worse than two babies in a plastic bag ?

A baby in two plastic bags.

A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"
Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...

...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

"Son, you were adopted."

"I was?" the son asked.
"Yes." his parents replied. "And they're coming to pick you up any minute now so go pack your bags."

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?

Because proper tea is theft

A vulture goes to the airport and the agent says, Do you have any bags to check?

The vulture says: No, just this carrion.

I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks if it needs help with its bags

No thanks, it replies, I'm travelling light.

My wife came home, shouting "pack your bags! I won the lottery!"

"That's great honey! Where are we going?" "We?"

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you could have giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the whole nice and even.
Then, when the bear comes up to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

Did you hear Delta is no longer allowing road kill in checked bags?

It's only carrion

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."
The husband begins packing his bags.
"What are you doing?" asked the wife.
"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"

If you think about it we all start out Canadian

Drinking milk from bags.

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be s**...-religious.

A man wins the lottery

He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick . The woman all excited replied should I pack for cold or hot weather? To which the man said I don't care as long as you are out of my house by noon

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..

"You pack them." I replied.

After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

How do you know if two elephants were having s**... in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

My wife says I have a bad sense of direction

So I packed my bags and right

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there's cameras everywhere.

Bags joke, Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags o

jokes about bags