Bags Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."


She told me, "We can't do that!"


I told her, "Well you did it last week!"


- Henny Youngman

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"

"I don't care, just get out!"

So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?"
Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

Physics Joke

A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says "can I help you with your bags?" And the photon replies, "no it's ok, I'm traveling light."

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

"Son, you were adopted."

"I was?" the son asked.

"Yes." his parents replied. "And they're coming to pick you up any minute now so go pack your bags."

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...

...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.

When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

A man comes home from work

and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"

Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.

They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.

The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.

The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.

The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

Peeing in the Flowers...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."


"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.

He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.

Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.

A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."

"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"

"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

My wife got mad at me for not knowing my sense of direction

So I packed my bags and right.

I think my family are a bunch of racists

I just started dating a black woman and I recently brought her to meet my family.

The kids won't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

until tomorrow joke

I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

Thoughts from 25-35 year olds

~Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.~

~I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.~

~I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.~

~I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.~

~Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...~

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"

"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having sex with my best friend"

The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"

"What about your friend?"

"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."

Lottery

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

A little old lady was walking down the street...

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags.


One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.


A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."


"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."


"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"


"Oh, heavens no!" she said.


"My yard backs up to the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms.


So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"


"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"


"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take?

Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.

Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.

Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have.

BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

3 bags.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Englishman says "Woof!" so they pass it off as a bag of puppies. They poke the third bag and the Irishman says "Potatoes!"

I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

The border guard

So there is this border guard and one day he sees a guy crossing the border on his bicycle with two big bags over his shoulder. The guard pulls him aside for questioning.

"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.

"Just sand." the guy replies.

The guard opens up the bags and sees that is seems to be just sand so he lets him go.

The next day the guy comes back on his bike and again he has two big bags over his shoulder. Again the guard pulls him aside.

"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.

"Sand"

The guard opens the bag and finds nothing but sand. He looks a little harder bus still can't find anything wrong.

Over the next decade the scenario repeats over and over. The border guard knows something is up and tries more sophisticated methods to try and figure it out. Dogs, chemical testing, magnets, everything. He never finds anything illegal though.

Finally, the border guard retires. All his friends and co-workers throw him a big party at a restaurant across the border. While at the party, the guard sees the guy. He decides to go and talk to him.

"Hey, it's interesting seeing you here. I'm having my retirement party right now." the guard say to him.

"Congratulations, I just retired this week myself." the guy says.

"Oh really, what job did you have?"

"I was a smuggler."

"I knew it! Well, you got away with it. So please tell me. What was it that you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles"

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags?

A Pillow Fight

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"

Guy comes home and says to his wife, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

She jumps for joy and asks, "Where are we going?!?"

He says, "I'm not going anywhere. You're outta here!"

What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?

Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.

My wife came home, shouting "pack your bags! I won the lottery!"

"That's great honey! Where are we going?" "We?"

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell. He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up. After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"

(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you could have giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the whole nice and even.


Then, when the bear comes up to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

A photon checks into a hotel..

The bellhop says: "Can I get your bags?"

The photon says: "that's ok, I'm traveling light"



- I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson tell this joke with pure giddiness

A vulture goes to the airport and the agent says, Do you have any bags to check?

The vulture says: No, just this carrion.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Really? You're joking, right?" I asked my dad.

"No I'm not", he said. "Pack your bags , they're going to be picking you up in an hour."

Girls are a lot like sleeping bags.

I really like being inside them, and they cost about $200.

As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.

"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

A woman hits the jackpot...

A guys wife comes home and says, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"

The guy says, "Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"

She says, "I don't care, just get out!"

Did you hear Delta is no longer allowing road kill in checked bags?

It's only carrion

Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?

Because proper tea is theft

A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage...

The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?"

The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!"

What are the funniest bags jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Bags? Well, here are the best Bags puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Bags pick up lines to share with friends.

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