Bagel Jokes
60 bagel jokes and hilarious bagel puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bagel that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your morning funnier with these hilarious bagel jokes! Whether it's about bad bagels, Jewish bagels, short bagels, Coffee Meets Bagel, or any other kind of bagel, you'll be sure to have a laugh. Learn about the people who eternally love a bakery staple - bread in a bagel-shape - and have a few chuckles along the way! Alitalia has nothing on these!
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Funniest Bagel Short Jokes
Short bagel jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bagel humour may include short doughnuts jokes also.
- My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...
well whose fault is that? - A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli. I told her we only take cash or card.
- Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.
- What's the difference between karate and judo?
karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of. - Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one, says one of the eggs.
* Sorry. We don't serve breakfast. * - Oh, jokes from 7 year-olds are cool now? From my son last night: "Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?" Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls ("like bagels, get it Dad?").
- What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo? One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.
- I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf. He said it was a real pain in the neck.
- A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options. It's a real schmear campaign.
- ever since COVID I haven't been able to get my favorite bagel. This everything shortage is really is getting out of hand.
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Bagel One Liners
Which bagel one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bagel? I can suggest the ones about bakery and pretzel.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
- What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel.
- What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel? Plain
- What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts? Hole foods
- Why can't blueberry bagels fly? Because, then they would be plane bagels.
- My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea - What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor? Ses-a-ME! Mario!
- What type of bagel makes the best frisbee A plane bagel
- Analogies Are like bagels on a trampoline: They don't always work.
- What does the monster put on his bagel? Scream cheese!!!
- Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel. Plain.
- What do bagels and holiday parties have in common? They're both better toasted
- What kind of bagel did the camper eat? A winnebago.
- Bagels and donuts are the same thing... I donut see a difference.
- What is a bagel's favorite kind of girl? They like girls who have everything
Plain Bagel Jokes
Here is a list of funny plain bagel jokes and even better plain bagel puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is Carlos Castaneda's favorite type of bagel? Astral plain
- What's a type of bread that flys off the shelf? A plain bagel!
Jewish Bagel Jokes
Here is a list of funny jewish bagel jokes and even better jewish bagel puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ... Zayda Ate a Bagel
- I'm Italian and I'm Jewish My friends call me *Pizza-Bagel*.
- Did you know that superman is Jewish? His grandfather was Bag-El.
Hilarious Bagel Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about bagel you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean donuts jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bagel pranks.
The Everything Bagel should be called the "Everywhere Bagel"
This would be more indicative of its eating experience.
Kosher Deli
A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.
"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.
The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."
The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"
Two bagels are out flying.
All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?
Because bagels can't fly!
The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?
A bagel hit him in the eye!
Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel?
Because he looked pretty seedy!
There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel....
"Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bagel....you bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!"
Mendelsohn's Bagel Pizza
...from what I understand those are uh...not bagels in that pizza.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?
A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis c**... style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: hey thanks!
Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel: you have beautiful eyes
I baked a doglike bun for my girlfriend. She really wanted to know what kind of dog it was and if it had any fillings. I said:
"It's purebred bagel."
Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?
He wanted to Winnebago.
I was depressed I didn't have a girlfriend, so I heated up a bagel
Now I'm feeling butter
What's The Violent Femmes favorite kind of bagel?
EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!
Bagels
I took my girlfriend a breakfast sandwich this morning, I guess you could call that bae-goals
What do you call someone standing on one foot, eating a bagel and a banana?
A balanced breakfast.
What is worse than getting stung by a donut?
Bagel Bites.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, m**... amphetamines, c**..., and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
Some claim that the holey bagel has commited heinous acts of degradation.
They prefer bagels with smear.
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
SO: My dog told me.
A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.
As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.
On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."
In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"
If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…
…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can't a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?
TL;DR-
A Bagel isn't a Bagel unless there's a Hole-in-One.
"Everything bagels...
... They should call them everywhere bagels, cause that stuff gets everywhere!"
From my real father, moments ago.
