The Best 48 Bagel Jokes

Following is our collection of Bagel jokes which are very funny. There are some bagel flatbread jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bagel artisan puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Bagel Jokes and Puns

Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel.


My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...

well whose fault is that?

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

What kind of bagel did the camper eat?

A winnebago.

Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread

"Pabst schmear"

I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ...

Zayda Ate a Bagel

What do you call a seagull that flies by the bay?

a bagel

Did you hear about the bagel shops that started attacking each other in the media?

It was a real schmear campaign.

The Everything Bagel should be called the "Everywhere Bagel"

This would be more indicative of its eating experience.

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?

Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?

A bagel hit him in the eye!

You can explore bagel alitalia reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bagel schmear dad jokes. There are also bagel puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel?

Because he looked pretty seedy!

There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel....

"Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!"

How are Fabio and a bagel the same?

Great lox

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plane bagel.

What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

What do you call a bagel shortage?

The Holocaust.

What's a type of bread that flys off the shelf?

A plain bagel!

Dont call a bagel artisan unless its hand rolled!!!

lets get some psat memes

Mendelsohn's Bagel Pizza

...from what I understand those are uh...not bagels in that pizza.

What do you call a flying bagel?

A plane bagel.

I just dropped my bagel on my chair but I ate it anyway...

I have no idea what I was thinking while I was eating the chair.

If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?

A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: hey thanks!

Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!

Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?

Cashier: it is

Bagel: you have beautiful eyes

What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel?


What is Carlos Castaneda's favorite type of bagel?

Astral plain

I baked a doglike bun for my girlfriend. She really wanted to know what kind of dog it was and if it had any fillings. I said:

"It's purebred bagel."

What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage.

Apparently it was bread in captivity.

I was depressed I didn't have a girlfriend, so I heated up a bagel

Now I'm feeling butter

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

What's The Violent Femmes favorite kind of bagel?



I took my girlfriend a breakfast sandwich this morning, I guess you could call that bae-goals

What's a Jumbo Jet's favorite kind of bagel?


Sir you tested positive for opiates

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel

What do you call someone standing on one foot, eating a bagel and a banana?

A balanced breakfast.

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.

What does a seagull call their significant other?


Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

What do you deserve and is also a type of bagel?


Some claim that the holey bagel has commited heinous acts of degradation.

They prefer bagels with smear.

Why do bagels have problems putting on makeup?

They always shmear it.

Bagels and donuts are the same thing...

I donut see a difference.

Why can't a seagull fly over the bay

Because then it would be a bagel

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed. I know, says the second owner. How do you know? the first demands. My dog told me.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bagel bun jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bagel donut piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes