Bagel Jokes

Following is our collection of alitalia humor and flatbread one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Bagel puns for adults, dirty schmear jokes or clean artisan gags for kids.

There is an abundance of bun jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 41 funniest jokes on bagel. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any donut witze you can hear about bagel.

The Best jokes about Bagel

I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage.

Apparently it was bread in captivity.

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...

well whose fault is that?

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: hey thanks!

Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!

Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?

Cashier: it is

Bagel: you have beautiful eyes

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plane bagel.

What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel?


A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.

Sir you tested positive for opiates

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel

If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?

A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

What do you call a seagull that flies by the bay?

a bagel

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread

"Pabst schmear"

What does a seagull call their significant other?


What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel.


What kind of bagel did the camper eat?

A winnebago.

What's a Jumbo Jet's favorite kind of bagel?


What do you call a flying bagel?

A plane bagel.

Why can't a seagull fly over the bay

Because then it would be a bagel

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

I baked a doglike bun for my girlfriend. She really wanted to know what kind of dog it was and if it had any fillings. I said:

"It's purebred bagel."

Bagels and donuts are the same thing...

I donut see a difference.

I was depressed I didn't have a girlfriend, so I heated up a bagel

Now I'm feeling butter

Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel?

Because he looked pretty seedy!

There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel....

"Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!"

What's The Violent Femmes favorite kind of bagel?



I took my girlfriend a breakfast sandwich this morning, I guess you could call that bae-goals

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?

Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?

A bagel hit him in the eye!

What do you call someone standing on one foot, eating a bagel and a banana?

A balanced breakfast.

What is Carlos Castaneda's favorite type of bagel?

Astral plain

I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ...

Zayda Ate a Bagel

What do you deserve and is also a type of bagel?


Did you hear about the bagel shops that started attacking each other in the media?

It was a real schmear campaign.

The Everything Bagel should be called the "Everywhere Bagel"

This would be more indicative of its eating experience.

Why do bagels have problems putting on makeup?

They always shmear it.

Some claim that the holey bagel has commited heinous acts of degradation.

They prefer bagels with smear.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes