Bag Jokes
191 bag jokes and hilarious bag puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bag that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover why everyone is laughing with our humourous collection of the best bag jokes out there! These cheeky jokes range from tea bag to plastic bag and everything in between - eye bag, rucksack, man bag, paper bag, check-out, tote bag, and even a colostomy bag! Get ready for some luggage-inspired fun!
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Funniest Bag Short Jokes
Short bag jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bag humour may include short checkout jokes also.
- A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case. - A father in iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"
- What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;) - Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
- Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too
- Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time." - Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three - I went to the store to buy condoms last night. The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"
I replied, "No, she's not that ugly." - My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up... So I just packed my bags and right...
- A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same... Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
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Bag One Liners
Which bag one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bag? I can suggest the ones about luggage and packet.
- Cashier: Scans Condoms Do you need a bag sir?
Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly - My dog ate a whole bag of scrabble tiles. I took him to the vet. No word yet.
- I'm done buying trash bags... I always just end up throwing them away anyways
- Why is it good being an orphan Every bag of chips is family sized
- How do you watch nascar without a TV? You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.
- I like my women like I like my tea. In a bag, underwater.
- I thought for my whole life that air was free... ...then I bought a bag of chips.
- Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day, The vacuum works just fine now.
- Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag? It was a brief case.
- Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy
- Life is like a bag of jelly beans Everyone hates the black ones
- My name's Robin Robin Dakarma
That's right, put it in the bag. - Give me five condoms, please. "Do you want a bag?"
"No, she's not that ugly." - I put as much effort into life... As the guy who named the sleeping bag
- Why did the tea-bag fall down the hill? To steep.
Man Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny man bag jokes and even better man bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!" - A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books. He then proceded to beat all records.
- A man buys condoms at a drugstore ... The cashier asks "You need a bag with this?"
and the man answers "No! She's not *that* ugly!". - A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery." She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away." - With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying.
- Girlfriends parents weren't home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - Do you need a bag with that? Me - No man! She's beautiful!
- A man asked a frog how to open a bag of chips The frog said, rip it .
- Man walks into a grocery store When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."
- Pharmacy A man walks into a pharmacy - "Id like 3 packs of condoms please".
The pharmacist - "Here you go sir, would you like a bag".
Man: "No thanks, the girl is good looking".
Plastic Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny plastic bag jokes and even better plastic bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir? Customer: Whatever, you pick.
Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can't be choosers. - What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...
And the other carries groceries. - A guy walks into a bakery He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".
- In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.
- What's worse than a plastic bag filled with dead babies? Nickelback
- Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day. Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.
- How do you stop a baby from turning blue? Take it out of the plastic bag.
(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner) - What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag. - What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other.
- What's worse than two babies in a plastic bag ? A baby in two plastic bags.
Paper Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny paper bag jokes and even better paper bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag. I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.
- A cowboy is buying condoms. "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says.
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier.
"Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..." - What do you call people who worship paper bags? Sack religious
- At the pharmacist A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly." - Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction
- Have you heard about the plastic bag ban? The new legislation is paper thin.
- Legend say, Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice... Donald Trump tried to count to 10 and got stuck in a paper bag.
- What do you call an evil paper bag? Tear-ible
- How do you get a frog out of a paper bag? Ripit
- Once I was commissioned to write an article about carrying rocks around in wet paper bags In the end it all fell through
Grocery Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery bag jokes and even better grocery bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
- The great thing about inflation, is if you spend the same on groceries,
the bags are lighter and easier to carry home. - poor guy. The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries...
Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it." - What did the vegetables say when they got stuck in a grocery bag? Lettuce out!
- I forgot a bag of groceries in my taxi. It's been driving me bananas.
- While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.
Don't bother, young man, said the customer.
It's self-rising. - Gotta love a dad joke Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
- Bob was grocery shopping in France... Cashier: That'll be 20 euros.
Bob: Alrighty!
Cashier: Would you like a bag?
Bob: Sure. Baguette. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) - What are some similarities between a brunette and a steak at a grocery store? You can't bag either of them.
- I like to bring reusable shopping bags to the grocery store It's important to me to have something to forget and leave in the car.
Tea Bag Jokes
Here is a list of funny tea bag jokes and even better tea bag puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL - Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags? Because proper tea is theft
- Why were the British salty about losing America? They got tea-bagged
- What's a vampire's favorite brand of tea bags? Tampax
- Why didn't the tea bag like hiking? It was too steep...
- What's dry and hard when it goes in But wet and floppy when it comes out?
A Tea Bag! - What's a woman and a tea bag got in common? You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
- I sent the apprentice out to get some tea bags.. The kid asked, "What type?"
To which I said, "Get some C. U. N. Tea."
He was gone for quite a while and came back with a black eye but no tea. - How does Bilbo take his tea? Bag-in
- (Sport) What is the difference between England and a tea bag? Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag could stay in the cup for longer.
Silly & Ridiculous Bag Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about bag you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tea bag jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bag pranks.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
I told her to leave it in the carton.
I've probably told checkers that 100 times, and not once did they get the joke.
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.
Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?
Girl: No.
Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.
Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.
Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.
Girl: (Starts running) No way!
Man: Okay, final offer, twenty dollars and a bag of candy.
Girl: Look, Dad, you had to buy a Honda instead of a Harley, you ride it!
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of w**....
"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"b**...."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis and flush it down the c**.... He checks my pocket and asks,
"So where's the bag of w**...?"
"What bag of w**...?"
I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...
Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.
And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.
I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."
The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"
I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is difference between a baby and a bag of c**...?
$35
A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
Bag limit.
A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
...
"What fish?"
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?"
I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."
A box of condoms, please.
That'll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I'm OK. She's actually quite pretty.
My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes
And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...
My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...
It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....
They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.
Bag Boy
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."
So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"
I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."
Little Johnny is back
In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to increase your strength
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
—Beverly g**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
My wife was cleaning the closet last week
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them
Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes
Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
BANG@#$%^&*
It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.
The kidnap
A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.
She takes him to her home and writes a note:
\- If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorrow. Signed, A Blonde.
She pins the note to Johnny's shirt and sends him home.
In the morning she goes to the playground, and sure enough, there is the plain brown bag containing a large stack of bills, along with a note that reads,
\- How could you do this to a fellow blonde?
One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".
Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "
Tom got dismissed early.
A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention
He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.
A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"
I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.
I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"
He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of m**......
And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a joke and a bag of d**...?
Your mom can't take a joke!!!
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...
The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."
So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...
Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!
Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Someone stole my book bag today.
I don't have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.
"What's that in the bag?" "An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos."
"You can't bring that into the movie."
A customer was buying condoms at work today.
I asked if he'd like a bag.
"No, she's not that ugly."
I only had a few dollars until someone dropped off a bag of quarters at my front door
I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden change
Before i die im going to eat a whole bag of un-poped popcorn
Hopefully it will make the cremation a bit more interesting
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.
Tea?
An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.
The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: "Would you please pass me the honey, Honey."
The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."
The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: "Pass me the tea, Bag."
What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?
When you pull them out in class suddenly everyone wants to be your friend
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.
The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college
Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...
I phoned my wife today and said...
"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."
"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.
I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"
"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"
"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two r**... survived the
c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a nun ...
... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,
...
...
"GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**... BLANKET YA HARPY!"
