Bad Word Jokes

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Teacher: "Little Johnny can you say a sentence to use with dirty words?
Little Johnny: "Yesterday my school was late so I had to run in order to reach on time."
Teacher: "You didn't use any bad word in your sentence."
Little Johnny: "Well, when I was running I f**... many times!"

3-year-old: What's a swear word?
Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.
3:
Me:
3: Is my middle name a swear word?

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability to focus making me quiet but don't actually say it)

Knock knock! (who's there?)

Catastrophic Climate Change.
Catastrophic Climate Change Who?
"Oranges" you glad to see me?
(I apologize for my bad joke, but I said this to my friend when were discussing a certain orange President and his recent use of the word "oranges" instead of "origins" while claiming wind turbine noise causes cancer and he almost suffocated while laughing and now I'm just hoping to maybe choke the life out of a few more people.)

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on s**... assault?

DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.
Yes it's bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.

I know the word diputserom sounds bad,

but its more s**... backwards

Vow of Silence

Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."
The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."
Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."

A man is driving down the road when...

Out of nowhere a boy chases a ball into the street, directly in front of the man's car. He slams on the brakes, but strikes the boy at a relatively high speed. He jumps out of the car and sees the boy is in bad shape. He, in a panic, doesn't know what to do.
"Should I get you a Priest??" he asks the boy.
The boy, both his legs broken, covered in blood, and who can hardly open one eye, looks up at the man and is barely able to manage a few words.
"How can you think about s**... at a time like this?"

Star football player Steve was about to be sacked for bad grades . . .

. . . but the team was on a winning streak, and he was badly needed. The head coach pleaded with the college president, and managed to convince him to allow the student to continue to play if he could spell just one word correctly. "Okay, Steve," the coach told him. "It's an easy one. Just spell the name of your favorite drink." "Sure coach. Khaphy."

My neighbours are very loud when they have s**....

And that's bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.

I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend

and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.

I know it's old but still..

Interviewer: Describe yourself in three words.
Applicant : Very bad at maths.

The 3 words that best describe me are...

I'm really bad at counting.

What's four words you say after bad s**.....

"well good night mom"

I have this yearly fundraising going on...

So, I have this yearly fundraising going on. Every year in november I take 70€ and donate them to a poor game developer. As a little thank you, they give me a shooter game, every year. But throughout the last years, these games became worse and worse. Many of my friends could not understand, why I wasted 70€ every year, but it was a tradition to me.
So this year again, I continued this tradition and to my uttermost suprise, the shooter I got this year, was pretty nice.
Or in other words: The new CoD isn't all that bad

Why did the horseman Pestilence, take his horse to the vet?

Because it was disease ridden.
Side note: I tried posting this awhile back and worded it badly, its original though i made it up while watching Supernatural.

Mickey mouse wakes up one winter morning and looks out the window.

To his shock, he sees someone has scrawled the words 'FUCK MICKEY' in u**... in the snow in front of his house. He calls the sheriff, who comes and asks him a couple of questions. He then takes pictures and samples of the u**... and leaves. The next morning, Mickey receives a phone call. It's the sheriff.
"Mickey, I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that the u**... belongs to Goofy."
"Oh, no," says Mickey mouse. "What's worse than that?"
"It's in Minnie's handwriting."

Today on Words that sound bad but aren't; Knickers

Todd, Did you steal all my Knickers again?
Dammed Knickers taking all the good boys away from all the good p**... women.

Yo momma's breath is so bad...

She can just whisper the word "hi" and revive a room full of coma patients.

Historical wife

Two men are at the pub and it's 2 AM. One of them says it'd be in his best interest if he would leave now. "When I stay away for too long, my wife gets historical."
The other man replies: "That's not a bad idea actually. I can tell you've had enough beer. You're looking for the word 'hysterical'."
"No," replies the man, "I really meant historical. She will remind me of every little thing I ever did wrong in the past."

While my wife was at work I had to take our parrot to the vet to put him to sleep.

His last words were Your wife's not home is she? Have you been a bad boy?

The word j**... gets a bad rap, but really it's just the Arabic word for struggle.

Trying not to overeat at Golden Corrall? Now that is j**....
Allahu Snackbar.

You know, I used to be a innocent boy. When I heard the word "sexist" on television...

I thought they were bad people who had a lot of s**... and worshiped s**.... I guess it was the opposite...

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president s**..." on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.
Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The u**... was the Vice Presidents".
The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"
The head of the FBI says,"The handwriting was the First Lady's".

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

A Teacher Was Teaching Words and Thier Opposite In Meaning When...

A teacher was teaching words and opposite then she pointed at Muhammad to stand and
answer some questions.
TEACHER: What is the opposite of good?
Muhammad : Bad.
TEACHER : Come?
Muhammad : Go.
TEACHER : Ugly?
Muhammad : s**....
TEACHER : You are wrong!
Muhammad: You are right!
TEACHER : Shut up!
Muhammad : Keep talking!
TEACHER : Ok, now stop!
Muhammad : Ok, now continue.
TEACHER: Get out!
Muhammad : Come in!
TEACHER : Oh my God!
Muhammad : Oh my devil.
TEACHER: You have failed!
Muhammad : I have passed."

Cake Day Joke!

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!
She said, I can teach it good manners.  
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, Did you learn your lesson? It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 
The parrot said Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?

A nun joins a monastery...

She vows to say only two words every year.
After the first year she approaches the mother and says "bed hard". The mother nods and sends her away.
After the second year she approaches the mother and says "food bad". The mother nods and sends her away.
After the third year she approaches the mother and says "I quit".
The mother replies "Good! Because all you've done is b**... since you got here"

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.
The former leaders says to him 'I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .
About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads 'blame all your problems on me'. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.
But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads 'sit down and write two letters'.

Bad boss

My friend Monica confided in me today:
My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.
If he does not take back his words,
seriously, I will pack my s**... and I will get the h**... out from there.
So I asked: What did he tell you?
She answer:
He told me that I have to pack my s**... and get the h**... out from there.

No Words...

6-Year-Old Child Looking At Moms ID Card.
s**...: F
He Laughs.
Mom: What's So Funny?
Kid: I Can't Beleive You Were So Bad In s**... That You Failed It.
Husband Dies Laughing.