Bad Watch Jokes
74 bad watch jokes and hilarious bad watch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bad watch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bad Watch Short Jokes
Short bad watch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bad watch humour may include short bad story jokes also.
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized, That's probably why they're still in Cuba.
- I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now. I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.
- I had to go to the hospital without insurance. It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
- My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?) Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
- The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out. Unfortunately, the flight attendant told me that she can't open the doors mid-flight.
- A guy watches as his girlfriend struggles to park. he says to her "I think you should get tested." "why" she says I'm no that bad of a driver am i?" "No, I have chlamydia" he replies
- I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text But I felt even worse watching her read it.
In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister's wedding service? - I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over... I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.
- (Original) Watched someome die in arms today But I feel bad about stabbing the person in first place. Shouldn't have done that.
Should 've just shot him and ran away.
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Bad Watch One Liners
Which bad watch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bad watch? I can suggest the ones about bad good and bad ugly.
- Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.
- What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..? Kill Bill.
- How can you watch season 6 of Breaking Bad? Convince Gilligan
- What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt.
- I was having a really bad day Then I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
- Watching a s**... scene with my parents is so awkward. My mom is such a bad actress.
Bad Watch Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bad watch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad fish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bad watch pranks.
There are these two guys named John and Cliff.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Joe replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've spent it already.'
Joe said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with it?
Joe said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't flog a dead horse!'
Joe said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Joe said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Joe said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.'
Conversation in Heaven.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking; from the attic
and all the way down into the basement,
I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter
so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.
"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"
So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.
"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.
The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.
"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"
"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""
Two ladies meet in heaven
Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."
A woman meets her friend in heaven
She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. He was just sitting there watching TV...but I knew she was there. I ran through all the bedrooms, looked in the closets, under the beds, ran up to the attic...checked the basement...and I had a heart attack!!"
Marge sighs..." Too bad you didn't check the freezer first. We'd both still be alive."
50 Shades of Grey
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to s**....
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there n**... and n**...
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
My barber said this today
I used to put out fires at the local airport and I had marshmallows in my toolbox. They thought I was a little weird, but I told 'em "More often than not, you're just gonna sit back and watch it burn anyway, might as well have some marshmallows."
One day an experimental plane crashed with six passengers, they burned up pretty bad and the chief brought us fried chicken for lunch. Nobody really wanted fried chicken for lunch after seeing those bodies, I think he was a bit on the mean side. Besides, I had just had marshmallows.
3 Bears walk into a bar
I made up this joke in the shower the other day and have been trying to decide if it is a Great Bad joke or an Awful real joke. I hope you have an opinion on it.
A Black Bear, a Grizzly Bear, and a Panda walk into a bar.
The Black bear walks up to the bartender and says, "Excuse me sir, do you have any honey?"
The bartender says, "Sorry man, this is a bar. We don't serve honey."
The black bear says "Fine then! I'll take my business elsewhere!" and storms out.
After a moment, the grizzly bear walks up to the bar and says "Excuse me, do you have any salmon?"
The bartender sighs, and says "sorry man, we don't have any salmon."
Irritated, the Grizzly bear says 'Well then, I'm going to have to take my business elsewhere" and storms out.
The panda bear, who'd been watching the whole time walks up to the bar and plops down on a stool. He looks at the bartender and says "Jeez - those guys. Bunch of Amateurs, right?"
The bartender is a bit relieved as he says "Totally dude. Anyway, what can I get for you?"
The panda thinks for a minute and says "Oh, nothing fancy. I'll just take some bamboo."
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...
The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..
A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "
Bad pun alert.
I've been watching behind the scenes reels of movies for quite a few years so the magic of movies is somewhat lost on me. I'll know how that car flip was achieved, how they choreographed fight scenes etc.
Still, watching Gravity this weekend I couldn't help but think, "how on Earth did they do that?"
"The watch"
My dad just reminded me of this old classic!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few b**... and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b**... and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more b**... and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
WANTED: Good man, about 90 years old, half blind, deaf in one ear, bad leg, no teeth, good with a gun..
To watch my wife while I'm out hunting.
Things you don't want to hear while undergoing an operation
* Did he say the right or left leg?
* I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school.
* Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog!
* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
* Oh no! I just lost my watch.
* Argh! There go the lights again...
* That's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
* What do you mean you want a divorce?
A blonde and a brunette are watching the news...
A blonde and a brunette are watching the news, and they are showing a woman standing on top of a building contemplating s**.... The brunette says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars, that woman jumps and kills herself." The blonde accepts the bet. After a while the woman jumps and dies. The blonde pays the brunette fifty dollars. After some time the brunette feels bad and says, "I cheated. I saw that story on the news two hours earlier. Here is the fifty dollars you gave me." The blonde says, "So did I, but I figured she would be smart enough to not jump this time."
Pope Benedict and Pope Francis are about to watch the World Cup Final...
Francis says, "sorry, but I spoke to Jesus last night and he said he'd do all he can to help Argentina win." Benedict says, "that's too bad, I spoke to Satan and he said he'd do everything he can to help Germany win." The game starts, and Francis says, "is that referee Italian?" Benedict says, "Yep. Hail Satan."
A kid is sitting at a bus stop eating candy.
An old lady comes up to the bust stop and sits down. As they're waiting for the bus, she watched the boy eat the candy. One after another, by the dozens. 10 minutes pass, and the young man is showing no signs of stopping. Concerned, she looks over and says:
"Young man, eating candy is bad for you! You sould stop."
"Well my grandpa lived to be 104!" he replies.
"Did he eat this much candy often?" she asks surprised.
"No, he minded his own business."
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.'
Prison ain't so bad
A newly arrived prisoner is sitting in his cell when his cellmate, a lifer who has been inside for 20 years, walks in and sees that the young guy is distressed.
Lifer: Don't worry kid, prison ain't so bad. Do you like to work with your hands?
NewMeat: Sure
Lifer: Well,on Monday we get to work in the Arts and Crafts building. You can paint,do woodworking, pottery whatever.
NewMeat: O.k. that's cool.
Lifer: Do you like Gourmet food?
NewMeat: Sure
Lifer: On Tuesdays a Chef comes in affixes anything you want to eat.
NewMeat: Sounds good
Lifer:Do you like movies?
NewMeat: Yeah
Lifer:Wednesdays we get to watch the latest films that are released to theatres.
NewMeat:Allright that's cool.
Lifer: Do you like Music?
NewMeat: Absolutely!
Lifer: Thursdays we get a concert from big name bands like U2 and Foo Fighters.
NewMeat: Wow!! that is cool!!
Lifer: Are you gay?
NewMeat: Uh, no I'm not gay
Lifer: Oh....... well you're not gonna like Friday's at all.
I feel bad for people who payed $100 to watch the fight.
if they wanted to see a c**... black dude and a well-mannered asian cuddle they should've just rented Rush Hour
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.
She could have learned how to defeat the n**....
'Weeds' is a gateway show...
...watching it can lead to binging on more serious programs like 'Breaking Bad'.
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
Did you hear about the kid who brought a home made watch to school?
He had a real bad time...
Baseball in Heaven
Two kids, Adam and John, absolutely love playing baseball. They play every day of their lives until years down the road Adam and John are now two old men who sit in the park feeding the birds and watching kids play baseball. One week later John passes away. Adam is sitting at the park alone when he hears Johns voice.
John -- Psst, Adam, its John.
Adam -- John buddy I miss ya! Hows heaven?
John -- Its great! But there is good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Adam -- The good news.
John -- There's baseball in heaven!
Adam -- That's great! What's the bad news?
John -- You're pitching next Monday.
My dad had the worst temper when he watched sports. One day it got so bad he ripped off his shirt and began shouting racial slurs...
Really ruined my little league game.
My girlfriend suggested we watch all five seasons of Breaking Bad back to back
So I put two TVs on opposite sides of the room.
A blonde and a redhead watch the news...
A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had
to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The
TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a
rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I
bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde replied "You're on."
Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her
money.
The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "That's okay, I
cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night." The
blonde turned to her and said "Well so did I, but I didn't think
he would jump twice in a row!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...
They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.
Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...
A pregnant woman is hit by a car....
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a m**...! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
UGH I was just forced to watch a s**... commercial about something called a Snuggie...
I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.
I heard you liked bad boys
Well this one time I was watching Disney junior and it said to go to their website with a parents permission...
I didn't ask my parents
An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...
Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.
"Hey... what was that for?" he protests
"For 60 years of bad s**...!" she says.
They go back to rocking.
A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the leg.
"Hey... what was that for?" she cries.
"That's for knowing the difference!"
A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news
A Blonde and her boyfriend are watching the 9pm news, the anchor is showing a video of a girl threatening to jump off a cliff. The guy turns to the Blonde and says "I bet you $500 she jumps" "you're on" the Blonde replies.
2 minutes later the girl jumps and dies.
As she is pulling money out her purse, the boyfriend says "I feel bad taking your money, but I watched the 6pm news and I saw this story" "me too" the Blonde answered, "but I didn't think she would be s**... enough to jump off again"
Why did the horseman Pestilence, take his horse to the vet?
Because it was disease ridden.
Side note: I tried posting this awhile back and worded it badly, its original though i made it up while watching Supernatural.
A Priest with a golf addiction...
awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing in a group watching a street performer juggle.
The performer notices that the four gentleman have a very bad view of the show and gets up on a wooden box, and shouts into the crowd can you guys see me better now? He asks.
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja
I was watching a movie where the acting was so bad
that it turned into a football (soccer to us yanks) game.
A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.
St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."
The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."
St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"
Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."
snap
Friend: \*says bad joke or something i dunno\*
Me: Boy, I oughta thanos snap you out of existence!
Friend: What you watched Infini---- \*disintegrates\*
Me: Snap.
This is a bad one
I was once at a party. After some time I noticed that I lost my watch. I was looking for it everywhere. I finally saw it laying on the floor on the other side of the room. When I got there, I witnessed how some guy stepped on it, while harassing a girl. Filled with rage I went up to him and punched him on the nose. No one treats a girl like that. Not on my watch!
P.s.: not mine I found it in the comments on pornhub
Just a hotel bar...
There was a bar on the 42nd floor of the hotel. A dude drinks some whiskey . Then he says watch this. To a dude. He jumps out a window and right before he hits the ground he softly lands and comes back up to the bar. Puzzled, the dude asks how did you do that? The man says just drink some whiskey. The dude has some whiskey and jumps out the window and lands with a SPLAT!!! The bartender says Superman, your such a bad person when you are drunk.
Yoda was watching the NBA draft while eating some badly prepared noodles. When Marvin Bagley was drafted he exclaimed...
s**... Ramen Too!
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theater to watch a mime show.
The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.
The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row. He then ask, "Can you see me now?"
The men Respond:
YES
OUI
SI
JA
Ah, blondes.
Two blondes are driving through farm country. As they are chatting and enjoying the scenery, they notice something unusual and pull over to investigate.
There they see, in the middle of a wheat field, a blonde sitting in a boat rowing furiously but obviously not going anywhere.
After watching for a few minutes, the first blonde says this really p**...me off. Dumb blondes like that one give the rest of us a bad name!
The second blonde says I agree. And if I could swim, I'd go out there and kick her a**...!
A man goes to see the doctor about a serious cough…
The doctor examines him, runs some tests, and leaves the room. A few minutes later, the doctor returns.
I've got some bad news for you, the doctor says. You don't have much longer to live.
Oh my god, the man replies. How much time do I have?
The doctor says, Ten.
What do you mean, 'Ten'? the man asks. Ten months? Ten weeks? Ten days?
The doctor looks at his watch and says, Nine.