Bad Signs Jokes
54 bad signs jokes and hilarious bad signs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bad signs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bad Signs Short Jokes
Short bad signs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bad signs humour may include short warning signs jokes also.
- I've been a bad girl, she said, I need to be punished. So I signed her up for a Comcast account.
- So two Irish men were walking down the street... ... and they saw a sign saying tree fellers wanted. One of the men said to the other, "too bad we're a man short"
- The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences. The good news Is
- Bad pun #3 I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop but when I got home all the signs were there.
- You know this country is in bad shape When the Statue of Liberty has to work part time as a sign spinner.
- I used to think it was no big deal that my gums bled whenever I flossed, but I talked to my dentist about it and she said that it can actually be a bad sign. So now I never floss.
- Deep freeze prevents things go bad And my mother in law definitely showed signs of going bad, officer.
It was a logical thing to do. - What do dark jokes have in common with maggots? It's a bad sign if they're coming out of your mouth.
- Did you hear that Vince Gilligan (of Breaking Bad fame) is now working for Nickelodeon? The first show he's signed on to do is The Adventures of Skinny Pete & Pete
- Even though I'm an Atheist, this made me laugh. On the sign in front of one of the churches in my town:
TOO HOT TO CHANGE THE SIGN
GOD GOOD, SINNING BAD
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Bad Signs One Liners
Which bad signs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bad signs? I can suggest the ones about red flags and signs.
- I got called into my boss's office for a bad billboard I created It wasn't a good sign
- If the letters fall off your company's logo... ...maybe it's a bad sign.
- Good news! I finally signed up for a 401K! Bad news: I work for a marathon organization
- I know alot of jokes in sign language. To bad no one has ever heard them.
- I have this joke in sign language which is super hilarious Too bad you can't see it
- What do you tell someone who is bad at sign language? You have bad hand writing
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Bad Signs Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bad signs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean red flag jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bad signs pranks.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.
I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.
I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Bob and Jim.
Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...
It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
Joke Of The Day!
A physicist goes to a conference and starts a conversation with a black man.
"So, how are you liking the conference?"
"It's alright. I anticipated a little more."
"Well I hope it isn't too bad."
"I just find it all a bit weird. What brings you here anyway?"
"Well I'm a physicist, so I thought I should drop by and refine my thinking. How about you?"
"Physicist? I came because the sign said "Black Holes. But I don't see any African women...."
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A man is at the doctor's office...
The doctor walks into the room and says,
"Well, I've got bad news, and more bad news. Bad news is that the tests showed signs of cancer. The other bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man responds,
"Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Two men wanted to go to a nearby park
They drove about 5 minutes to get there. Once they did, they found a sign which read "Park left".
"Too bad," they said to each other as they turned around to go home.
A kid is sitting at a bus stop eating candy.
An old lady comes up to the bust stop and sits down. As they're waiting for the bus, she watched the boy eat the candy. One after another, by the dozens. 10 minutes pass, and the young man is showing no signs of stopping. Concerned, she looks over and says:
"Young man, eating candy is bad for you! You sould stop."
"Well my grandpa lived to be 104!" he replies.
"Did he eat this much candy often?" she asks surprised.
"No, he minded his own business."
Fool or be fooled
A greedy guy was walking and passed by a hospital and there was a sign that says "pay 100$ for a treatment and if we couldn't treat you we give you 200$ back"
So he decided to fool them and get extra money so he goes in and says to the docter i lost my taste buds and the doctor calls his assistant and says i want a (pp7) potion and the man says it tastes very bad and the doctor says congratulations you got back your taste buds
So the man decides to get revenge and he goes to the same hospital again and said to the doctor i lost my memory so the doctor says to his assistant and says i want a (pp7) potion and the man said isn't that for the taste buds? And the doctor says congratulations you got back your memory
Sorry for the long post (:
Q: Why do you when you sign to a Dating site ? A: More bang for your buck !!!!
(Wow, that was bad)
A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...
On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.
The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool.
The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.
(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)
A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . .
They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted".
One of them turns to the other and says, "d**.... Too bad there's only two of us."
So...Liverpool F.C. sign new striker...
A real new hot shot from Afghanistan, the new wonder kid.
He has his debut and scores a hatrick.
After the game he calls his mum and tells her the good news.
"Mum, Mum I scored three goals in my first game!"
His mum replies..."Son that's all very good but I have some bad news."
"Over the Weekend, your father was shot by a s**..., your sister r**..., and I was robbed whilst shopping"
"Oh Mum I am so so sorry" the son says...
"SORRY!!!! It's your fault we moved to Liverpool" shouts the mother.
A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him to a private school
All the sudden inthe private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,
"Why were you doing so bad in a
public school, and when we switched you to a
private school you did good?" The kid says,
"because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed
to a plus sign."
When I was a young boy, I was bad at Maths
I was so bad that I was expelled from my school for failing that subject so often. Because of this, my father sent me to Catholic school and after going for a year, my grades improved. The reason being, the second I walked through that door and saw the guy nailed to the fricking plus sign, I knew this school meant business.
I hate to be a bad loser
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast s**... Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
A woman walks into a pet store..
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!
A father is concerned with his son's bad grades in math
so he decides to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the first marking period, the son has an A in math.
The father is pleased, but he asks his son, "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
The son replies, "I knew they meant business when I saw the guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign!"
My buddy Jacob is a bad driver
So Jacob got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.
Jacob said, "this is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast"
The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork and the other man took a big swig and passed the bottle back. And my buddy Jacob said, "no thanks. I'll wait for the cops to show up first"
The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.
"This is a bad sign" they remark.
Star sign
Doctor: Choose a star sign.
Patient: Capricorn.
Doctor: Too bad you got cancer
Brain Dead
A man got into a car accident and was rushed to hospital. At the hospital, the man's doctor declares him to be brain-dead. Soon, the man's wife shows up at the hospital. The doctor gives the wife the bad news.
"What now?! What are my options?" Sobs the wife.
The doctor replies, "Well, unfortunately, you have two options. You can ship him off to a long-term care centre and hope for the best. Or, alternatively, you can sign this form to unplug him and donate his organs. In my opinion, I believe that o**... donation is the no-brainer option."
The old homekess man
I saw this old homeless man at a parking lot outside of Walmart holding up a sign.
I felt bad for him and gave him a dollar. The old men then smiled and gave me back my money with an extra dollar.
I was confused so i said " sir this money is for you " as i handed back the $2.
He smiled again and gave back $4. Whatever i gave him he multiplied it by 2.
At this point i got annoyed because I'm thinking that the old man is making fun of me.
I thought to myself that I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
I pulled out $100 and gave it to him.
He smiled again and picked up his cardboard sign and crossed out #10 and wrote 11. Then he said " Thank you and God bless you."
I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.
The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.
I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.
I saw a lady protesting at the capital grounds with a sign that read " vaccines contain aborted fetus' "
I couldn't believe it, how can she be protesting something like that I thought.
I marched right up to her and said "you think that's bad? Johnson and Johnson makes organic baby oil"
A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran
A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.
The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, ¡Muchas gracias, señor!
Banana
A shopkeeper puts up a sign advertising a deal on bananas: one banana for $3 or three bananas for $10.
A man takes a look at the sign and notices that the bundle is a bad deal, so he decides to order one banana, then another banana, then one more, saving $1. Feeling smug, he asks the shopkeeper why she would have the three pack cost more. "Aren't you losing money?" He asked.
The shopkeeper responds, "you just paid $9 for three bananas, didn't you?"