Bad Putting Jokes
109 bad putting jokes and hilarious bad putting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bad putting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Bad Putting Short Jokes
Short bad putting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bad putting humour may include short bad good jokes also.
- I happily dad joked my fiancé While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.
To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!" - There Once Was A Poet Named Bates, His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line. - The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes. You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.
- I got an email telling me that it was vegan month... I felt bad putting the message in spam.
- Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
- To the guy that's bad at building fences... Oops, wrong place for this post.
Figured i'd put it in the right place and re-post it for you. - When you put the punchline before the rest of the joke. How do you know when you're a bad comedian?
- I just heard a new Fibonacci joke: it was as bad as former two Fibonacci jokes put together.
- I knew my prostate exam had gone badly... when the doctor gently put his hands on my shoulders.
- Saw 4 guys jumping this old lady I felt bad and had to jump in and help.
She put up a fight but noway 1 old lady could beat all 5 of us
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Bad Putting One Liners
Which bad putting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bad putting? I can suggest the ones about bad ugly and bad produce.
- People say being a waiter is a bad job... ... but, hey, it puts food on the table.
- Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
- Bad luck Steve Irwin. Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays. - Steve Irwin put on sunscreen. Too bad it didn't protect him from harmful rays.
- So this ray of light broke bad. It was put in prism.
- Why was the farmer angry? Because his cows put him in a bad moooo'd.
- Where do you put a badly behaved spaceman? On the astronaughty step.
- How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures? He puts them on the nautilus.
- I put a new mattress on my bed and it got really angry. It has a very bad Tempur.
- Had a real bad Charlie horse the other day Had to take it out back and put it down
- Pepsi put Ray Charles on their cans. Too bad he can't see it.
- Why did the waiter put a rubber band in my soup She was a bad waiter
- What kind of food just puts you in a bad mood? Feel-awful
- I'll put the mourn in good morning Sorry, that was a bad way of saying I killed your dog
- - Mum, grandpa is gone bad. - Don't worry son, put it aside and eat only the potatoes.
Bad Putting Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bad putting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad medical jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bad putting pranks.
David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?"
After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor".
The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair".
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news".
The doctor replies, "He's dead".
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
So the lone ranger and Tonto are being chased by the bad guys...
To see if they're being closed in on Tonto puts his ear to the ground to listen for the sound of horse hooves.
"Kimosabe, no soldiers chasing us, buffalo come."
"How do you know that?"
"Ear sticky."
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
I met an older woman in a bar last night...
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'
Bagpipes at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
two dogs at the vet
A great dane and a poodle are in nearby kennels at a vet's office.
Poodle: "I get overly excited and pee on the floor when my owner comes home. His evil wife is having me put to sleep. What are you in for?"
Dane: "That's too bad. I got way too excited when my owner started doing Bikram yoga. I couldn't help it...I started h**... her like crazy."
Poodle: "So is she putting you down too?"
Dane: "Naw, I'm just getting my nails done."
Jim and Mary.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Jar Full of $10 Bills
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...
I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
Please no daddy
"No daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and s**... it again, it will make me sick like it did before."
"Come on sweetheart, its not that bad. Your mum's cooking has improved a little bit."
Too bad Ray Rice didn't kill his wife,
The Ravens would've just put a statue of him in front of the stadium.
The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1
Lawyer Mom: Your Honor, my client is accused of m**... in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?
Everyone looks around at each other, confused.
Judge: Um, no?
Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) Well then how can any of you tell my client that m**... is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?
Why women say they're bad at Tinder? That's like being bad at whistling. You just put your lips together and blow.
I had a r**... exam once.
It didn't go so well.
Apparently the doctor was having a bit of trouble with some blockage, so he put one hand on my shoulder to help with leverage. I could tell it was going badly when he put his other hand on my shoulder as well.
I overcooked some pasta earlier - it got all soggy and mushy. Making the best of a bad situation, I put it in a mug and tried to down it.
I soon gave up though - it was an act of *Fusilli Tea*.
Multiple-choice test results
I got a 11 out of 200 in a multiple choice test and the teacher was fuming with anger.
To demonstrate how bad I did he took out an empty answer sheet, put a shoe mark on it and fed it into the marking machine.
The result is 18 out of 200...
Why is Al Gore bad at dancing?
You can't put passion into an Al Gore Rhythm (algorithm).
Anyone? Anyone?
I was really bad in my school band.
So bad they kicked me out and put me on the registered sax offenders list.
Bad holiday joke
I love Hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything, but the lemon juice in it reeks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: dentures made of chrome. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.
He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".
I couldn't quite put my finger on why trigger warnings annoyed me.
Yeah that's it. Nothing to see here folks. Move along. It's really as bad as you thought.
Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars?
putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to
What does Bill cosby and a bad Jenga player have in common?
They both like to put their wood where it don't belong.
My girlfriend suggested we watch all five seasons of Breaking Bad back to back
So I put two TVs on opposite sides of the room.
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Bad taste
Did you hear Donald Trump is putting a ban on telecommunications from the middle east!
It's called the Teleban.
A nun asks another
What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?
Nun: I would lift up my dress
Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?
Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down
Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?
Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.
Why is a dog with a bad foot like adding 6 and 7?
Because he puts down three and carries the one.
People used to say my jokes were bad until I put a cape on them
Now they're super bad
Credit to Jeff Lewis Neal from the rise guys Morning Show
A place got lit on fire
But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"
My memory is bad so I put 'incorrect' as my password.
Whenever I type a wrong password it'd say 'Your Password is Incorrect'
I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a p**... of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.
… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.
Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
Angry Priest: "What will you do if you encounter the burning bush?"
"I'm gonna put some anti-fungal cream on that bad boy."
TIL: The last time Roy Moore went to the gym, he noticed a hole in his new trainer big enough to put a finger in...
...Too bad she made a formal complaint.
I met a guy who always had to put everything in alphabetical order
He said he had really bad CDO
Why are black Asians bad at golf?
Because they can't drive and every time they walk on a golf course a cop tries to put a hole in one
If I stopped looking at my phone all the time and started to put that time into more important things like....
My computer with a bigger screen, then my eyesight wouldn't be as bad
While my wife was at work I had to take our parrot to the vet to put him to sleep.
His last words were Your wife's not home is she? Have you been a bad boy?
Processor has had a bad day..
Processor: Hey man, I've really been having a bad day.
Graphics Card: Ya'know man, I can really put things into perspective for you.
My girlfriends vegetarian food isn't too bad
But I think it would taste better if she just put some soul into it..
Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?
Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.
A bad book is just like a sick pet.
Eventually you feel like putting it down
By- Neeteesh bapat
After hauling a deer on the back of my car, I was disappointed to find the meat had gone bad.
Guess thats what I get for putting it on the spoiler
This old lady was in front of me at the store.
Cashier rang her out and it totalled $250. Her card kept declining. I felt so bad for her.
After I cherry picked her basket I helped her put it all back.
To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...
You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.
He has only given me three tablets.
A cake in an oven
Society needs to stop discriminating, we don't question a baker having a cake in the oven but as soon as I put 4 children and 2 horses in a volcano im the bad guy
Phil Swift has a new product
He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zooms out, and inverts itself, showing Phil standing under an airplane ."I'm on an airplane!" The pilot of the plane looks out the window and says,
"Weird Flex but okay."
I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids' present in the piñata
The dog might get hit
I feel bad for kids of gay parents
They have to put up with twice the amount of dad jokes.
Putting the new dry cleaner shop next to the Planned Parenthood was probably a bad idea.
All those discarded wire hangers in the dumpster aren't helping the cause.
A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.
'You OK?' asked Bill, another of the gang.
'Not really,' sighed Pete. 'This morning my wife told me that she's rationing our s**... life – she's cutting me back to just once a week. I can't believe it.'
Bill put a consoling arm around Pete's shoulder. 'You think you've got it bad – she's cut some guys off altogether!'
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter t**...?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.
He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"
Cake Day Joke!
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!
She said, I can teach it good manners.
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, Did you learn your lesson? It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?
A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says I'd like to submit a joke of my people
The receptionist looks at him and says listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I'm not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.
Mushroom: so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says 'tell me about yourself' and he says 'well I'm a fungi!'
Receptionist: yeah that jokes bad but it's just not gonna cut it, we can't put it in,
We don't have mushroom.
The butcher shouldn't put the names of the cows on the packaging.
I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.