bad Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bad puns

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

​

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A bad workman blames his fools...


**

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I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

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A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

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I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

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I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

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Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.


Dancing, she replied.


The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, I have good news and bad news.

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A boy asks his mom, "Is it bad to have a penis?"

She says "No, why"


"Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"

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America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

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A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is.

Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?

Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."

Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"

Mom: "Then you'll get more."

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America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

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A bad workman blames his fools.

*

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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

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Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

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I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

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Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

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EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

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A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'

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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

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If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

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My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

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LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

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Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

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A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

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[META] Ever since the sub returned, it's become a hive of circlejerking, reposts, and bad quality.

I'm so happy things were able to stay the same.

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What are the most funny Bad jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bad? Well, here are the best Bad dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bad pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes