Bad Golf Jokes

41 bad golf jokes and hilarious bad golf puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bad golf that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Bad Golf Short Jokes

Short bad golf jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bad golf humour may include short round golf jokes also.

  1. Why are black Asians bad at golf? Because they can't drive and every time they walk on a golf course a cop tries to put a hole in one
  2. Whomever said having a baby is bad for your golf game... ...never realized getting out of the house for 5 hours to play a round is ultimate bliss.
  3. What's the difference between a bad golf drive and a poorly packed parachute? One is whack...f**... and the other is f**.......whack.
  4. Why are golf players bad at s**...? Because they try to finish with as few strokes as possible.
  5. What do golf and s**... have in common? They're two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at both of them
  6. My first time having s**..., was like my first time playing golf. It seemed like I was doing bad at first, but my dad helped me along the way saying, "it's all in the hips".

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Bad Golf One Liners

Which bad golf one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bad golf? I can suggest the ones about new golf and golf putting.

  1. What is good for golf and bad for socks? A hole in one.
  2. Why are Asians bad at golf? They don't know how to drive.
  3. Golf jokes and puns are pretty bad But that's just par for the course.
  4. I feel bad for the people that mow the edges of golf courses. They have a rough job.
  5. Why was the man bad at golf? He was an over-achiever.
  6. Are you bad at golf? Swing by and join the club.
  7. If a zombie is bad at golf Would it be par for the corpse?
  8. Why are Fighter Pilots so bad at golf? Too many bogeys.
  9. Why are asians bad at golf? They stink at driving.

Rib-Tickling Bad Golf Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about bad golf you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golf jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bad golf pranks.

A woman is out playing golf...

...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.
"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"
"Right between the first and second hole," she tells him.
"Hmmm," he says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened besides, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That's your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

A golfer went to a fortuneteller

He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination."
"That's wonderful!" said the golfer.
"And you'll be teeing off at eight-thirty next Friday."

A man asks a fortune teller what Heaven is like.

The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball and says "Hmmm, I see good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven has many golf courses and they are all incredibly beautiful".
"Great!" says the man. "What's the bad news?"
"You have an 8:30 tee time tomorrow morning".

So a guy decides to walk to the bar by strolling across an adjacent golf course.

So a guy decides to walk to the bar by strolling across an adjacent golf course. As he walks he picks up stray b**... and stuffs them in his pants pocket. Later, seated at the bar he notices the lady next to him staring at the huge bulge in his pants. "Golf b**...," he explains. "You poor man," the lady exclaims. "And here I thought my tennis elbow was bad."

Four priests decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and went golfing in polo shirts and khakis.

However, their game was not going well, and after a series of terrible shots, the caddy asked, "Are you guys priests?"
"Yes, we are," replied one of the priests, "Why?"
'Because,' said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.
"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"
Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"
The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad s**......"

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."
"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.
The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" he asked.
"Where did what go?"

Bad weather

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my s**... husband went golfing."

Giving up golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."
"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.
So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.
His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room

Golf Outing

Four fathers are on a golf outing. One of the fathers has to take a leak, so he wanders into the woods. The other three start talking about how their sons have been.
The first dad says "Well, i'm really proud of my son, he's become a major success in the real estate business and just got a free house!"
The second father chirps in, "Well my son is doing better than I could have imagined! He's gotten major promotions at his car dealership and got himself a free car!"
The last father says "That's great and all, but my son is a wall-street mogul and he got a killer stock portfolio that has turned quite a profit for free!"
The fourth father finally emerges from the woods. They all ask him how his son is doing. The fourth dad sighs.
"Well there's good news and bad news about my son... The bad news is he just revealed that he is gay...
The good news is that he just got a free house, car, and stock portfolio from his past three boyfriends."

jokes about bad golf