Bad Food Jokes

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.

Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.

Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

Teacher: "If you bought 8 hotdogs,9 cheese burgers and 7 fillet o fishes and you ate 8 hotdogs 9 cheese burger and 7 fillet o fish what do you have at the end?"
Little Johnny: "A bad blatter issue."

Chuck Norris was hungry so he went to eat a hotdog.
When he saw it giggled and said: "What a bad luck! Look what a part of a dog I've to eat!"

Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!

Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick!

Why was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin.

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some Bad Venison

Why must you be careful when making Indian food?

Because you don't want to end up with bad Korma.

Vow of Silence

Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."
The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."
Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."

A guy is out hunting...

He sees a bear and shoots at it. He misses, and suddenly slips and falls down the mountainside. His leg is caught in a bear trap, and the bear is coming right towards him. He cries out, "Lord, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I promise to repent now if you make this bear a Christian!" The bear skids to a halt, drops to his knees, clasps his paws together and says, "O Lord, I thank you for the food I am about to receive!"

he's not all bad: after an 12 hour shift at a local food kitchen, mayor Rob Ford selflessly turned down a hot meal.

"I've got more than enough to eat at home"

Ethnographic expedition lost in the Sub-Saharan Africa

An Ethnographic expedition lost in the Sub-Saharan Africa. The head of expedition, a prominent Russian scientist, Artem Pizdobolov, have bad news and good news to tell his comrades. First the bad news, he said. We run out of food and water. There left only camel's dung. Tell us a good news fellow travelers asked in desperation. The good new is that we have that camel dung in abundance.

A company of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert...

The Captain assembles his men and says: "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is... we have run out of food and there is nothing to eat but sand. The good news is... there's plenty."

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

Chatty Monk-A fine joke...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his t**... and says, "Bad food". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says, "That's not surprising," the elders say, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

Gandhi, as you know, would walk barefoot everywhere...

...and as a result he developed these massive callouses on his feet. He would also fast, from time to time. Because of this lack of food his bones became extremely brittle. It would also give him hallucinations from time to time. Finally, Gandhi never really had the time to clean his teeth and he became cursed with really bad breath.
In summary, Gandhi was a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Is it bad that I've never heard of Ethiopian food?

Of course not! They haven't either!

Did you know that food coloring is very bad for you?

If you happen to drink too much you will dye.

Ever hear about the nun who was always spilling food on herself?

They say she's got a bad habit.

Never serve bad food at a bris

Otherwise the rabbi won't leave a tip

I don't know why people say food in the military is bad...

I was given a big chicken dinner!

How'd the stomach know the food went bad

It was a a gut feeling

Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :(

Talk about explosive diarrhea.

you want to know what's my favorite food?

too bad. that's naan of your business.

Researchers today said food cooked too long that turns to black produces high levels of acrylamide, a cancer risk.

And I just thought my wife was a bad cook.

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking, junk food and s**... that ..

I've finally decided to give up reading

Don't know how to cook

I don't really know how to cook, so I just end up eating frozen food. I usually get some turkey and store it in the freezer for the next day. However, one day I've heard about the dangers of eating frozen food and how it badly affects my health, it was at this moment that I realized that I had to quit cold turkey.

A d**... dies of food poisoning.

Why? Bad korma.

Prison is like a Children's party...

...bad food, worse s**....

If you've never eaten Ethiopian food don't feel bad

Because they've never had it either

I asked my friend about his bad experience with Mexican food.

He said he didn't want to taco about it.

What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common?

Both end in a wok of shame

What's the difference between l**... sold by an overweight transgender person and a food that raises bad cholesterol?

Nothing. They're both **trans fatty acid**.

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison"

There are two bad-for-you items on the shelf disguised as health food.

One looks at the other and says "act natural".

My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own f**.... After that, we never played Monopoly again.

As a kid growing up in the Vietnam I could always tell how well the economy was by what type of dog food my parents bought.

Chihuahua when it was bad, Black lab when it was good.

WHAT DO YOU CALL RACCOON WHO ATTEMPT TO MATE WITH GARBAGE BAG

THIS IS VERY BAD. TO THIS RACOON YOU MUST SAY "DO NOT PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD."
h**... h**... HEE HEE

The good news about going to the movies with your mom is that she's going to be good at sneaking in food...

the bad news is that it's always going to be a little quinoa.

My girlfriends vegetarian food isn't too bad

But I think it would taste better if she just put some soul into it..

I fed chicken nuggets to my chickens.

Bad idea. What a waste of food.

I had to go to the doctors because I grew antlers after eating Mexican food...

He told me it was a bad quesadilla.

My wife had to cook to the first time the other day.

The food smells so bad, that all the flies in the neighborhood pitched in and bought us a screen door so they couldn't get back in.

Bad Diet

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"

3 man in heaven

3 man are in a house in heaven. There is one rule, if you step on a pink cloud something bad will happen to you.
They are all hungry and one person decides to get some pizza. He comes back with a ugly woman. The other look at eachother confused and asked what happened. The man with the ugly woman says that he stepped on a pink cloud.
The second man decides to get some food, but also comes with a ugly woman and says that he stepped on a pink cloud.
Than the third man goes and tries to get some food. But this time he comes back with the most beatiful woman. The other two are very confused and ask what happened. The beatiful lady says that she stepped on a pink cloud.

A nun joins a monastery...

She vows to say only two words every year.
After the first year she approaches the mother and says "bed hard". The mother nods and sends her away.
After the second year she approaches the mother and says "food bad". The mother nods and sends her away.
After the third year she approaches the mother and says "I quit".
The mother replies "Good! Because all you've done is b**... since you got here"

I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb

I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"
He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"
I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal
He stopped and said "well, my sister, she hasn't eaten in 3 days either"
I thought for a second and went, "hmm I don't know, I don't really have a very big lawn"

4th of July picnic

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents