Bad Dog Jokes
95 bad dog jokes and hilarious bad dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bad dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bad Dog Short Jokes
Short bad dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bad dog humour may include short bad pet jokes also.
- List if 10 worst dog breeds 1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas - I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog.. He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"
- Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
Husband: "The washing machine broke."
Wife: "And the good news?"
Husband: "The dogs are clean." - Why are all dogs bad dancers? because they have two left feet.
sorry - Dogs playing poker Why are dogs bad at poker?
Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand.
Why did John's dog win the poker tournament?
Because he's a Doberman. - A man got home from his walk and his wife said: Thank god you got home safe it's raining cats and dogs!!! The man: It's not raining that bad I didn't even step in any poodles
- Why is it a bad idea to let dogs onboard the ISS? Because they would keep barking at the vacuum in space
- Having a bad day? Just remember that in the movie Air Bud , some kid got kicked off his school basketball team... and replaced by a dog.
- Me: I reckon if we got a dog we should call it Noodles. Wife: That's silly, we eat noodles.
Me: If this recession gets bad enough, yes, we would. - a really bad joke i made up and thought it should be shared with everyone. Q.how do dogs communicate?
A. by pee-mail
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Bad Dog One Liners
Which bad dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bad dog? I can suggest the ones about kids dog and dead dog.
- My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks... Bad Minton
- My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so bad I had to take his bike away
- Why are dogs so bad at dancing? Because they have 2 left feet.
- Why was the dog bad at soccer? Because he had two left feet
- You should always feed your dog well, You don't want a bad yelp review.
- I ran over 10 miles today Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog
- What does a Gen Z dog say when something bad happens? Woof
- Too bad they won't allow dogs to graduate highschool. They're just K-9.
- I don't see what's so bad about lab grown meat... My dog's puppies taste just fine.
- What do you call a dog in a dessert? A bad dog. :(
- My dog named Minton aye my shuttlecock... Bad Minton!
- My dog used to have a bad habit of chasing people on a bike So we took it off her
- You know you're in a bad neighborhood... when the dog-houses are boarded up.
- How do you know your dog's cancer is really bad? If the vet says it's mutt-astasized.
- I'll put the mourn in good morning Sorry, that was a bad way of saying I killed your dog
Humorous Bad Dog Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about bad dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad animal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bad dog pranks.
Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."
Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Yours sincerely,
The CAT
Chuck Norris was hungry so he went to eat a hotdog.
When he saw it giggled and said: "What a bad luck! Look what a part of a dog I've to eat!"
My wife said it's either her or the dog.
​
So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...
As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.
The dog c**... looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Jogger finds a tennis ball
So Joe is out jogging alongside a tennis court. Unspurprisingly, he spots a tennis ball which has gone over the net. It's getting late and nobody's left playing, he figures they just left the ball there.
So Joe picks up the ball and puts it in his shorts pocket, to play with his dog later. He runs off, and stops by his regular watering hole to rehydrate. One of his friends spots the bulge in his shorts and asks:
"What have you got there Joe?"
"That? That's a tennis ball."
"Dear lord, and I thought having a tennis elbow was bad!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two dogs at the vet
A great dane and a poodle are in nearby kennels at a vet's office.
Poodle: "I get overly excited and pee on the floor when my owner comes home. His evil wife is having me put to sleep. What are you in for?"
Dane: "That's too bad. I got way too excited when my owner started doing Bikram yoga. I couldn't help it...I started h**... her like crazy."
Poodle: "So is she putting you down too?"
Dane: "Naw, I'm just getting my nails done."
A hot dog and a hamburger...
A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar. The hot dog says, "I've got some bad news for you and I can either sugar coat it, or give it to you straight." The hamburger replies, "Please--Beef Frank."
Help me find this joke
The joke is about a farmer returning from town and the sheriff meets him and gives him this list of constantly escalating inner connected bad news terminating with the revelation that the farmer needs to get a new dog.
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
Jar Full of $10 Bills
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gimme a triple shot of Jack
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Duke!!
A new boyfriend is having dinner at his new girlfriends house. He walks in shakes hands with everybody, and then they sit down and begin eating. A few minutes into the meal, the boyfriend realizes that he really needs to f**..., really badly. He quickly glances around, and notices the family's dog, Duke, is sitting right next to him. He takes advantage of his good fortune, and quickly let's out his f**.... Everyone at the table stops eating, looks up, and says, "Duke!" Relieved, the boyfriend begins eating again.
Several minutes later, the boyfriend realizes that he has to f**... again. Luckily, Duke is still by his side, so he once again quickly let's his f**... go. "Duke!" the family cries once again. The boyfriend is now very pleased with himself that he is blaming Duke for the farts, and not getting blamed himself.
Several minutes pass, and once again, the boyfriend decides that he needs to let one rip. The boyfriend once again releases his f**..., and in reply the family shouts, "Duke, get away from him before he craps on you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Anything but Guinness...
A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says "I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"
Clerk: "Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"
Guy: "I don't have anything bad to say about the taste or anything like that, it's just that the last time I drank a case of Guinness to myself, I blew chunks!"
Clerk: "I don't think Guinness is your issue... If you drink a case of any beer to yourself you will blow chunks!"
Guy: "No sir, you don't understand. See, Chunks is my dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I feel bad jerking off on Christmas...
...but that's a s**... name to give a dog anyway.
I just figured about why dogs are so bad at math
Because when we answer a question we have to pause, but when they answer a question they have four paws.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.
After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."
Things you don't want to hear while undergoing an operation
* Did he say the right or left leg?
* I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school.
* Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog!
* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
* Oh no! I just lost my watch.
* Argh! There go the lights again...
* That's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
* What do you mean you want a divorce?
My best friend slept with my girlfriend.
A man was sitting in a bar feeling depressed.
Bartender: Whats wrong man?
Man: I found my best friend in bed with my girlfriend...
Bartender:What did you do?
Man: I kicked her out of my house and broke up with her.
Bartender: No, what did you do to your best friend?
Man: I pointed my finger at him and said "Bad dog".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"
"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having s**... with my best friend"
The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"
"What about your friend?"
"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bad night of drinking...
Three men walk into a bar and sit beside each other with their hands over their faces, obviously in distress.
Bartender - "Looks like you guys had it rough."
Man 1 - "Could we please just have some water, our wives are coming to meet us later but we drank so much last night that I can't even look at alcohol right now. I don't even want to be in here."
Bartender hands them all glasses of water, "Tell me about this big night you had, I'm bored out of my mind."
Man 1 - "Well, we all met after the game last night to celebrate and drank way too much. In fact, I got so drunk that I blew chunks!"
Man 2 - "That's nothing, I got so drunk that I stole a cab and picked people up for rides. Lucky I didn't get arrested!"
Man 3 - "Psh, I beat you all. I got so drunk that I picked up a p**... and had s**... with her in my bed, while my wife was there! Luckily she's a deep sleeper."
Man 1 - "You guys don't get it! Chunks is my dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".
Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?
" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men wisely spend one dollar..
Two men only have a dollar to spend. They both decide to spend this dollar on a beer. One of them leaves and comes back with a hot dog.
"Why did you buy a hotdog? You were supposed to get a beer!"
"Listen, I'm going to put this hot dog in my zipper. We will go to all the gay bars around here and I'll get down on you. The bartenders and people will love us so much that we will get free beer all night!"
The two men ended up going to 9 bars, getting free beer the whole way. When they get to the tenth bar o**... looks to the other and says..
"Hey, my knees are starting to hurt from getting down on you so much."
The other guy replies, "You think you've got it bad? You lost that hot dog 4 bars ago."
I drank so much I blew Chunks
Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.
Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.
Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...
A guy is sitting in a bar...
And in walks a friend he hasn't seen in a few weeks. Being curious as to where his buddy has been, he asks what's been going on. His friend replies "after that last bender we had I figured it was time to lay off the sauce for a while". The first guy asks "what was so bad that you felt the need to cut back?" Well, says the second guy, after we got hammered I went home and blew chunks." That's nothing to be ashamed of says the first guy, we've all done it. The second guy gives a mournful shake of his head and says "you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men shouldn't feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing it d**......
Because that's almost an hour in dog time...
I went to the zoo the other day...
It was just a really bad zoo overall, just a run down old place. It had only animal too, a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Hi. I am here. First post, go easy on me.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... ed
One day a little boy was at the park with his grandfather when he saw two dogs having s**.... He asked what they were doing and was told that was how they made puppies. Later that night he had a bad dream and when he went in to his parents' room he saw them having s**.... When he asked what they were doing he was told they were trying to make him a baby brother or sister. Disgusted, he demanded "Well flip her over, I'd rather have a puppy!"
Have you heard that some bad dogs are running around burning down dog-houses?
It's a rash of arfson.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
The weather is so bad today, it's raining cats and dogs
Maybe a PetSmart blimp wasn't such a good idea after all
Why is a dog with a bad foot like adding 6 and 7?
Because he puts down three and carries the one.
What do Chinese Dogs and baseball pitchers have in common?
Whenever that have a bad day they balk a lot
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Haven't seen this one here yet
**How to install a southern home security system**
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. Leave a note on the door that reads:
Bubba,
Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.
-c**...
Why didn't the client tip the server?
Because they didn't have enough cache!
(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)
What kind of dog parties with the Amish?
A rumspringa spaniel (it's okay, they won't even see how bad this joke was)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
Bartender: You look terrible. What's the matter?
Man: I just walked in on my wife having s**... with my best friend.
Bartender: That's terrible! How did you react?
Man: I threw her out of the house with all of her clothes and told her I'd be sending divorce papers in the morning.
Bartender: Good for you, that must have been difficult. What did you do to your best friend?
Man: I waved my finger at him and said bad dog!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his 6 year old son are walking in a park
They see a couple of dogs having s**... and the son being curious asks his dad what they are doing. The dad responds they're making a puppy and the son seems satisfied with that answer.
Later that night after they go home, the boy has a bad dream and goes into his parents room. When he opens the door he sees his dad on top of his mom and he asks them what they're doing. The dad responds Mom and I are making a baby and the son says flip her over, I want a puppy .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A night of drinking
After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night
Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!
Girl 2: That's nothing! When I got home I couldn't even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bathroom walls!
Girl 3: You think that's bad. When I got home I went straight to bed and woke up with p**... all over me and my bed sheets.
Girls 2 and 3 are laughing hysterically after hearing about their crazy night when Girl 1 quietly interrupts and says I don't think you two understand, chunks is my dog.
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
As a kid growing up in the Vietnam I could always tell how well the economy was by what type of dog food my parents bought.
Chihuahua when it was bad, Black lab when it was good.
So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.
As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.
However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won't let him by.
Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous. The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:
Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?
I got a really bad costume idea for your dog.
1) Get a baby doll
2) cover it in fake blood
3) Attach it to the dog somehow
4) Say your dog is dressed as a Dingo for halloween.
My dog used to chase everyone who passed by in a car.
It got really bad, up until the point I had to take his car away.
My dog likes to chase this man on a bike
It got so bad, I think I have to take his bike away
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING i**....
I couldn't believe it.
I was in tears.
I could never trust her again.
I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.
Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.
I said, "bad dog".
Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?
Get a dog and name him 10 kilometres so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.
(Doesn't work in America though.)
I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids' present in the piñata
The dog might get hit
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neutered dog wants to jump in the pool soo bad.
he just doesn't have the b**... to do it.
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with my best friend
I told her she had two minutes to get dressed and get out of my life.
Then I turned to my best friend and said, "Bad dog! Bad, bad, bad!"
4th of July picnic
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."
