Bad Advice Jokes
16 bad advice jokes and hilarious bad advice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bad advice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bad Advice Short Jokes
Short bad advice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bad advice humour may include short bad idea jokes also.
- I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?
- My dad always taught me to go the extra mile... I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.
- After telling a friend about losing a court case, the friend asked, Did your lawyer give you bad advice? No. He charged me for it.
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Bad Advice One Liners
Which bad advice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bad advice? I can suggest the ones about advice and life advice.
- Bad advice to a suicidal person Hang in there
- Bad advice to give a kleptomaniac... "You should really take something for that."
Bad Advice Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bad advice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad decision jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bad advice pranks.
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.
Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.
Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.
The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad language I've been using."
Dave was very surprised by the sudden transformation of his foul-mouthed bird.
Then the parrot said, By the way, what did the chicken do?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.
Bad weather..
I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they've had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn't done anything else other than looking through the kitchen window. He was saying that if it carries on like that he will have no alternative but to let her in.
[EDIT]
TL;DR (upon advice):
The weather here is terrible. My MIL hasn't done anything else other than staring through the kitchen window. I might have to let her in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...
"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"
"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:
1) Find a woman who makes you laugh
2) Find a woman who has a job and loves housework
3) Find a woman who is honest
4) Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot
5) Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom
6) Most of all, it is **Very Important** that these five women **Never** meet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Carl is always really cranky in the morning...
"Carl, you should really do something about your bad mood," Says his boss, as Carl enters office with a long face once again.
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it, boss."
"You know how I prevent this?" Answers his boss, "I make sure to have s**... with my wife every time before I go to work. It's a great way to start off the day. Perhaps you should try this yourself."
The next day Carl enters office, he seems very upbeat.
"Good day Carl, I see you're doing much better. Did you take my advice?" says his boss.
"I'm glad I did, boss! It really helped," answers Carl. "By the way, I didn't know you lived in such a nice place!"
Six weeks ago, my brother was deployed by Afghanistan...
And today he called home.
He asked me how things were back here, and so I took a deep breath and told him the truth.
"Your cat died."
My brother was aghast, especially at how coldly I said it.
"Joe, that's not how you break bad news." Miles away, I could hear the frustration in his voice. He sighed and explained:
"You should've started with something innocent and then gone from there. Don't open with the worst news. Say something like 'Well, the cat got on the roof... we tried to get her... then she slipped and we couldn't save her'. Understand?"
I told him I understood and thanked him for the advice.
"Alright," he said, "How's mom doing?"
"Well, she got on the roof..."
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...
The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
Doctor's advice
A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"
"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"
"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No, but it will seem longer"