The Best 62 Bacon Jokes

Following is our collection of Bacon jokes which are very funny. There are some bacon kosher jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bacon pastrami puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Smoking will kill you ...



Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

The bartender asks them to leave. They all ask why. Bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast here."

Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....

... and they're at death's door....

They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with strip after strip of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......

"ees... a.... Hambush"

What did Hannibal Lector have for breakfast?

Kevin Bacon.

...

And Jon Hamm.

^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out.


The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

How do you confuse a Jew?

Put the bacon on sale for half-off.

Two Mexicans were walking through the desert...

After days without food or water, one of them spot a tree on the horizon.

"Look ese" one of them says. "Is a bacon tree!"

The other Mexican becomes excited, and starts running towards the tree. When he is only a few yards away, a hail of bullets hit him, and he falls to the ground. With his last breath he shouts to his friend.

"Run ese, is no bacon tree. Is a ham-bush"

Two eggs and a strip of bacon walk into a bar

The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry - we don't serve breakfast here."

What's a Jewish dilemma?

Free bacon.

Let the downvotes rain down on me.

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Top Bacon Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore bacon hambulance reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bacon pigs dad jokes. There are also bacon puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why did the bacon laugh?

Because the egg cracked a yolk.

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its tiny brooms.

There's a pig on the farm tanning...

And the farmer walks up to him and says, "Hey pig, what are you laying out in the sun for?"

The pig then says, "Oh no reason, I'm just bacon!"

I am *very* proud of this joke.

Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...

They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.

(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)

There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole

The first mole, daddy mole, wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, "Mmmmm...I smell bacon!"
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, "Mmmmm....I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad. He takes a big whiff and says, "All I can smell is molasses!"

The Bacon tree

Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."

Why I dislike this sub:

There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.


A teacher is teaching.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

(sorry for the TERRIBLE title)

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

He felt like bacon.

Fat cow

Teacher is teaching kids

Teacher: what does the chicken give you?
Student: meat!

Teacher: what does the pig give you?
Student: bacon!

Teacher: what does the fat cow give you?
Student: HOMEWORK!!

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...

She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

What's the biggest Jewish conundrum?

Free Bacon!

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

AN egg walks into a bar......

An egg walks into a bar, along with pancakes, and bacon. The bartender looks up and alertly says.

"Sorry guys, we don't serve breakfast"

What is green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

Bacon tree

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other

"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"

"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"

Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.

"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"

"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".

[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

What's green and covered in bacon grease?

Kermit's finger

Eggs and bacon

A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.

If you had to choose...

Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?

You take away their brooms.

My bacon kept curling in the frying pan

so I took away their little brooms and rocks.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals

Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"

Johnny: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Johnny: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Johnny: "Homework!"

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

I just had a physical. The doctor said: Don't eat anything fatty.

I said, Like bacon and burgers?

He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!

Dad at breakfast:

Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!

What tree does bacon grow on?

Porcupine

I had a checkup at the doctor recently, he told me, Don't eat anything fatty.

I said, What, like bacon and burgers?

-

He said, No, fatty don't eat anything.

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

Two pigs are sitting in the sun

One says: I'm getting pretty hot!
The other says: Yeah I'm bacon!

Bacon is like foreskin

The muslims can't have it.

I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. A bacon tree ! We're saved! He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Jobs and no Hope. I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.

No food or drink. One of them spots a tree draped in bacon! He shouts A bacon tree, we're saved and runs towards it. As he gets closer it shoots him full of bullets.

Turns out it wasn't a bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

Did you hear the news? Kevin Bacon has leprosy.

It's true. Doctors say he's got a foot loose.

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?

Take away their little brooms.

A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine.

He got a little behind in his orders.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bacon ham jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bacon pork piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes