Bacon Jokes
169 bacon jokes and hilarious bacon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bacon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bacon Short Jokes
Short bacon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bacon humour may include short pork jokes also.
- I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! " - My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy
- How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan? You take away their brooms.
- Dad at breakfast: Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet! - Programmers wife tells him to go to the store... She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk. - Why I dislike this sub: There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.
- The difference between being Involved vs. Committed Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.
- What did Hannibal Lector have for breakfast? Kevin Bacon.
...
And Jon Hamm.
^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out. - 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon. - If you had to choose... Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
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Bacon One Liners
Which bacon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bacon? I can suggest the ones about pork chop and asparagus.
- Smoking will kill you ...
Bacon will kill you...
But, smoking bacon will cure it. - How do you get canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan? You take away the broom.
- How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.
- My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.
- My bacon kept curling in the frying pan so I took away their little brooms and rocks.
- What is green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers
- I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
- Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
- A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon... hamnesia
- Why did the bacon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk.
- What tree does bacon grow on? Porcupine
- What's the biggest Jewish conundrum? Free Bacon!
- Eggs and bacon A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.
- A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine. He got a little behind in his orders.
- What bacon makes you sneeze? Peppa Pig
Bacon And Eggs Jokes
Here is a list of funny bacon and eggs jokes and even better bacon and eggs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kevin Bacon once had a friend named Johnny Eggs They were known as Kevin and Johnny.
- Every morning, I always stack my pancakes, bacon, eggs and biscuits on top of each other…. So I can have a balanced breakfast.
- Roses are red. Violets are blue… Poetry is hard. I'm hungry hmmmm
Hard
Hard boiled eggs
Mmmm bacon and eggs
Sorry where was I? - Eggs and Bacon lead some very interesting lives Eggs went to college but Bacon Strips
- My grandmother passed away. Grandfather tried to stay positive about living the single life.
He said: "Who needs a wife anyway?
-How hard can it be to boil Bacon and Eggs?" - A guy came up to me and asked if I would chuck bacon, eggs, fries, beans and toast at him! I said; "what do you want a brunch in the face?!"
- A man fell into a hot vat at the Cadbury factory. He was bacon 'n eggs.
- What do you call eating bacon and eggs on Christmas night? Yule's Brinner
- My New Years Resolution EXERCISE
EX ER CISE
EX AR SIZE
EGGS ARE SIDES
FOR BACON
BACON!!! - Do you have eggs for breakfast? Kevin bacon
Bacon Eggs Jokes
Here is a list of funny bacon eggs jokes and even better bacon eggs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you get when you throw eggs at the police? Bacon and eggs.
- I had an awesome bacon and duck-egg roll today but now my hands smell fowl.
Eats Bacon Jokes
Here is a list of funny eats bacon jokes and even better eats bacon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I love bacon. Everytime I eat it I get a lard-on.
- What's the difference between British Columbian prostitutes and bacon? Pigs don't eat bacon.
- People who eat bacon... People who eat bacon have a higher risk of a heart attack.
People who don't have an increased risk of bringing the twin towers down. - I eat so much bacon my friends gave me a nickname... Kermit the frog.
- What do you call a Russian cattle that does not eat bacon and prays five times a day? A Mos-cow
- I don't get why people find push button, receive bacon amusing I just want to dry my hands, not eat breakfast - with wet hands
- My dad keeps giving me slack for eating so much bacon
- I like to start each day with a well-balanced breakfast. So I stand on one foot and eat a pound of bacon.
- What do you call a primate who loves to eat bacon and make honey? Haram Bee
- I hate it when I'm running on the treadmill and I accidentally hit the stop button... and I have to get off and go eat a bacon double cheeseburger.
Bacon Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny bacon day jokes and even better bacon day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So an old-timer goes out for breakfast... And the young whippersnapper of a waiter asks "What will you have, Sir?"
"Bacon my day, sonny!"
[Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works] - they once said an apple a day keeps the doctors away... But todays world all doctors are muslim, so i find bacon works better!
- On a hot day, what did the pig say to the other pig after he came back from the car? "It's bacon in there!"
- Why did Kermit the Frog split with Ms. Piggy? Because she wouldn't rub it rub it.
(blame Happy International Bacon Day)
Rib-Tickling Bacon Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about bacon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bread jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bacon pranks.
When does the narwhal bacon?
Not on January 18th.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you confuse a Jew?
Put the bacon on sale for half-off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a Jewish dilemma?
Free bacon.
Let the downvotes rain down on me.
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head...
... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
The man said: "I'm worried about my brother."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
There's a pig on the farm tanning...
And the farmer walks up to him and says, "Hey pig, what are you laying out in the sun for?"
The pig then says, "Oh no reason, I'm just bacon!"
I am *very* proud of this joke.
I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...
[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]
Have you tried Stalin bacon before?
*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*
Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.
I like my bacon how I like my choice of copilot....
....Chewie
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
What should you do with your sick pig?
make it into cured bacon
Breakfast Wife
(Overheard at work)
I was eating breakfast at a dinner with the old lady when the man at the next booth says to his wife, "Please pass the sugar, sugar".
A short time later at the booth on the opposite side of me, the man says to his wife, "Please pass the honey, honey".
Annoyed, my wife says to me "How come you never talk sweet to me like that?"
"Ok", I say, "Please pass the bacon, pig."
What did the pig say when his wife left him?
"Don't go bacon my heart"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bacon....
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.
Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
I had to get rid of a friend...
I had to get rid of a friend at college this week. He did nothing but steal my hoodies and eat bacon in every class. I asked him why, and he responded "Keep your friend's clothes, and your enemy's kosher".
What do you call bacon wrapped frog legs?
The Muppets
My waiter asked, "would you like sour cream, bacon and chives on your potato?"
"That's a loaded question."
My wife is a vegan. I'm not.
I don't care if she makes more money than me. I can still say that I'm the one who brings home the bacon.
When Snoop Dogg fries bacon, he listens closely...
... fo' sizzle.
The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.
Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.
Why did the butcher get fired?
For bringing home the bacon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on....
Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
The legionnaires
Two French legionnaires are walking through the desert, lost, when they happen across an oasis. One turns to the other and say "look! Zat tree 'as back on eet!" In excitement they run towards the tree but as they approach bullets start striking the ground around them. As they are running off the second turns to the first and says "zat was no bacon tree, zat was an 'am bush"
I am a big fan of Canadian bacon...
...but I have yet to find out how they turn Americans into cheese.
What did the bacon say to the sandwich?
This club can't even handle me right now
Holy moly, Swear to god, Just met a girl called Mercedes Bacon. I had to come share this here.
How often do you meet your three favorite things in one....
P.S. the name is a true story, a girl that I just met.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So i used to work with a Muslim
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.
"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"
"Will you e**... bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,
"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.
So I let him go. I'm not having anyone steal my breakfast
A man walked in to a diner
He sat down and ordered bacon, eggs, toast, and a coffee. The waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve toast here."
He got up and said "well if you don't serve toast, I must leave at once."
He was lack-toast intolerant.
Just need to grow
I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn't get bacon seeds anywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Repost because I s**... up) You know how Muslims can't eat pork?
I mean if I couldn't eat bacon, I would want to fly a plane into a building.
(Yeah this joke bombed)
Ordered a sandwich..
And I asked for a liberal amount of bacon. The employee cried, set the sandwich on fire, then went outside to protest.
I need to learn to be careful using the word liberal.
Even though there's a picture on the hand drier,
I have yet to receive my 3 strips of bacon
I've never panned for gold...
But I have put bacon bits in my salad.
You know where Russians get their milk?
MOSCOW
(Credits to the game Blood & Bacon)
Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon?
I hear it's the nicest bacon around.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurassic Pork.
i used to suffer from chronic adhd
as i was saying bacon makes everything better.
What would happen if pigs could fly???
The price of bacon would go up!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Mohammed's wife leave?
Because he couldn't bring home the bacon.
I just found out what the LGBTQ stands for
Lettuce, Garlic, Bacon, Tomato, quesadilla
Bacon related humor...
I'm way too proud of this:
I like my women like I like my bacon,
Salty and bad for me.
I learned what LGBT stands for!
Lettuce Guacamole Bacon Tomato
What did the slice of bacon say to the tomato?
Lettuce be together now!
What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?
Bacon and scrambled legs.
Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.
I got a few jokes...
My life.
My Girlfriend.
And my education.
Good thing I have bacon.
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are like bacon.
They look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they slowly kill you.
I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...
Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole
What did the pig say to the other pig in the sauna?
Man I'm bacon here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shopping for singles
I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''
Bacon has a special place within my heart.
I call it cholesterol.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do rich h**... always have in the morning?
Bacon and AIDS.
Why is it called Canadian bacon?
Because they're really sorry it's not real bacon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIFU by cooking bacon n**...
It quickly turned into frying sausage.
A Muslim walks into a bar
and orders a bacon sandwich and a beer.
"Isn't that forbidden in your religion?" the bartender asks.
"Yes, but my sins will be forgiven in... 9 minutes.. and 30 seconds."
Greasy love
Don't go bacon my heart. I couldn't if I fried.
