Backyard Jokes

Following is our collection of garden humor and bbq one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Backyard puns for adults, dirty playground jokes or clean robins gags for kids.

There is an abundance of driveway jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on backyard. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any reload witze you can hear about backyard.

The Best jokes about Backyard

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I'm on the fence.

"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"




He said "I am very hungry."





"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."





You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband:
"What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?"
The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like."
The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?"
The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."


A woman and a dog once fell in love.

He buried his bone in her backyard.

Two kids camping in the backyard

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.

"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.

"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.

The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"

A man digs 3 holes in his backyard...

he steps back and says "Well... well... well..."

While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.

I'll put a patio on them later.

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."


If a crack forms in your backyard.

Is it your fault?

What do you call a gay backyard cookout?

An LGBTBBQ

A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"

Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..

Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Talk about bad timing...

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, seΓ±or, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

A couple of secs

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"


"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."


So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, intercourse, puberty and menstruation.


Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"


And he carries on, "A couple is two people like your mom and me." And he goes on to describe gay, lesbianism, etc...


The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"


"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." the girl replies.

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


Did you know Hellen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard?

Neither did she.

How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

Oh little Johnny you are a real pain

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

What's Irish and lives in your backyard?

Patty O'Furniture

A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...

"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

Little Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..

"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"

A man in his backyard....

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, seΓ±or, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home

It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?

Ron, an elderly man in Florida...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."


Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

What do you do if you see your stepmother hobbling around in the backyard?

Reload.

Daddy, what's sex?

A man was in his backyard when his 8 year old daughter comes out and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

The man things for a minute and tell himself if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know, so he goes on and tells his daughter all about the birds and the bees.

Once he was done, his daughter was sitting there, wide eyed, while his wife yells from inside, "Honey, did you tell dad dinner will be ready in a couple of secs yet?"

Planting potatoes in Chicago

So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :

"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father."

Later that night, Ahmad responds :

"Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND ! I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad."

That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI agents broke into the father's house and investigated the backyard, inch by inch, without finding anything. They went away without being noticed.

Ahmad sent another email to his father : "Dear father, I am 100% positive that the land is now plowed. I couldn't have done it better myself. Ahmad."

Monkey in a Tree

A man notices a monkey is up in his backyard tree.
He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey capture and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what's the shotgun for?"
"In case I fall out of the tree first....you must shoot the Chihuahua."

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!" A week later his wife send him a letter back saying, "A bunch of police officers came to our house, they dug up the entire backyard!? To which the man responded, "Now plant your garden."

My Father always said his children are his treasures.

When he buried Debbie in the backyard it took a dark twist.

A brunette and redhead started laughing in the backyard when a blonde joined them.

The blonde said "What's so funny?" The honest brunette said, "Oh it's nothing." The tactful redhead said, "It's kind of an inside joke." The curious blonde said nothing, as she walked toward the back door.

Hi, I'm from Brazil

and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me...

So a man finds a dirty lamp on the ground...

and he starts to clean it, because he thinks it may be valuable! After a while of rubbing it a genie comes out, and says "Hey! I'm a genie and normally i'd grant you 3 wishes but today i'm really tired, so I can only grant you one."

So after a while of thinking, the man says "Alright, I've always loved Hawaii. I want a bridge that goes from my backyard to there."

The genie snorts. "That's probably the dumbest wish I've ever heard! Make a different one."

So after another long while of thinking, the man says "I want to be able to know what any woman is thinking."

The genie then replies "So do you want this bridge to be invisible from other people or....

I saw a black man walking with a TV...

...I thought, "Hey, that's mine!!"

But then I remembered, mine was tied up in the backyard.

A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard...

So he calls up an animal control center and asks, "I found a crocodile in my yard and I managed to get it in my truck...what should I do with it?" So the person from the animal control center says, "Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo." The following day, the animal control center employee figures he would call and check back with the guy to see what happened to the crocodile. He asks, "So, what did you do with the crocodile?" and the guy responds, "Well, I took it to the zoo yesterday like you suggested...and tonight I'm taking it to a movie.

Johnny and his Bugs

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Me: I love to travel.

Bank account: Like where? To the backyard?

I was going to grow a fungus farm in my backyard

but there wasn't mushroom.

And on the third day, Jesus came back.

Because he accidentally left one of his edge trimmers in my backyard.

What does Snoop Dogg keep in his backyard?

His garden hoes.

My GF is like my treasure...

I buried her in my backyard yesterday.

Strange Punishment

Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnnie's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnnie's mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnnie said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"

The dumb geologist had a gold ore in his backyard

Poor man took it for granite

Little Johnny Killed a Honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

I really wish my five year old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a tree house in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…

Took me twenty years to grow that thing!

My ex-wife used to drink a lot. One night I got sick of seeing her stagger around the backyard.

That's when I decided to shoot her a second time.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes