backwoods Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious backwoods puns

Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm not lost. ...okay maybe I am.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Apparently I'm still lost....

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I'm still lost…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. (xpost from funny)

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I'm still lost…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played for a homeless mans funeral

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:

Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn't pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.

They stopped at a backwoods general store and asked the scruffy, gap toothed man behind the counter if he could make change for an $18 bill.

The old man took it and looked it over carefully.

Sure. I can make change. Do you want two $9s or three $6s?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeraldirector to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Wisconsin back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. >> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. >> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubba says "What the hell does a taxidermist do?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bubba smiles at him and says to his friends "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bagpipes at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Self-proclaimed "west virginia backwoods Redneck" told me these were the best jokes ever, tha. Waid "birds's gotta eat, just like a worm."

what do you call a deer with no eyes? ... .

No eye deer.


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One of them Deevorces

A backwoods country bumpkin goes to his lawyer and says, "Sir, I wanna git mahself one uh them thar deevorces."

The lawyer says, "Ok, well, you need grounds for a divorce."

The farmer says, "I has grounds sir, a hunderd an fitty acres of it."

The lawyer says, "No, I mean, you need a case!"

The farmer says, "I has one-uh them too! Keep mah doc-u-mints in it!".

The lawyer says, "No.... No.... You need a to file a suit."

The farmer says, "Sir, I has the suit, wear it tah church err'y Sumday."

The lawyer sighs. "Ok, let me put it to you this way... Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer says, "No sir, wife's a white woman, 'bout 5 feet tall... Had herself a nagger baby though..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hold this lantern . . .

In the backwoods of Appalachia, Mr. Johnson's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Backwoods jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Backwoods? Well, here are the best Backwoods dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Backwoods pick up lines to share with friends.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Joko Jokes