Backs Jokes

Following is our collection of rabid humor and backside one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Backs puns for adults, dirty looking back jokes or clean frosty gags for kids.

There is an abundance of back jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 47 funniest jokes on backs. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any nozzle witze you can hear about backs.

The Best jokes about Backs

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

A little old lady was walking down the street...

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags.


One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.


A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."


"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."


"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"


"Oh, heavens no!" she said.


"My yard backs up to the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms.


So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"


"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"


"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common?

They both want you to tell them Y.

Bacon tree

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other

"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"

"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"

Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.

"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"

"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"


Where do Egyptians go when their backs hurt?

The Cairo-practor

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.

After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."

Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."

What do you call two chiropractors who've got each other's backs?

Vertebros

Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry


Texan in Ireland

A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.

He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"

Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"

The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.

"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"

The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."

Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses?

Put it on the fronts.

A wealthy woman with a headache goes with her husband to a party.

After 20 minutes, she says, "Honey, I'm not feeling too well. You stay and have a nice time. I'll be at home waiting for you later.

She drives backs to her large home, walks upstairs, begins filling the tub, and walks into her bedroom. The butler is there.

She says to him, "Unbutton my shirt. Now, take it off. " He does. She says, "Take off my shoes and my skirt," so he does. She says, "Take off my bra." He complies. She says, "Now, I like you, and I won't say anything to my husband about this, but if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be fired."

A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault"

The mom reply's with, "Well... how could you have printed the accident?"

Dad looks directly at his so and says. "I really should have just pulled out."

Why can't the T-Rex scratch their backs?

Because they're all dead.

Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, How's that now?

A young guy gets paired with an elderly man for a round of golf.

The old man lines up to putt on the fourth green, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The old man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and returns to the putt.

After the hole, the young guy says, I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased .

Old guy says, Well, we were married 42 years... least I could do.

A priest was driving at night

When he saw a car in the oncoming g lane swerving wildly all across the road. The priest had to swerve himself to not get hit and ended up hitting the ditch and rolling his car into the nearby field. Fortunately, he was unhurt, just a little shaken, and climbed out of the wreckage.

The car he was swerving from stops and backs up, and a clearly drunk man climbs out.

"Are you okay?" asks the drunk.

"Yes," says the priest. "The Lord was with me."

"Well you better let him ride with me," says the drunk. "You're gonna kill him!"


If 2 vegans have beef...

It's the one who backs out still a chicken?

Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...

This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.

He got a little behind in his work.

A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.

The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.

They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second
with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him.

"Guess that song!" his oppressor demanded.

"Ah, that one's easy!," he exclaimed, triumphantly.
"It's William Tell Overture...
titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump."

A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...

He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...

With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:

"Dear God! I'm walled in!"

The french invented a new bulletproof vest

That is just as efficient as a regular one but much cheaper: it only covers the soldiers' backs

No Strings Allowed

Three strings were walking down the street looking for a good time. They come upon a bar and figure they'd go in for a drink. The first one stops & points out a sign to the others "No Strings Allowed". Well, the first one, not wanting to be discriminated against says "Screw this, I'm going in." As he enters the bar, the bartender shouts "HEY STRING, get out! no strings allowed in here," as he pulls out some scissors. The string slowly backs out of the bar and tells his friends. The 2nd string says, "i'm not putting up with that!" and goes in. Again, the bartender yells, this time coming out from behind the bar with his scissors "Hey! No strings allowed in here!" Seeing the large bartender coming towards him, the 2nd string turns and goes back outside. The 3rd string says, "well, i don't care, i'm getting a drink". But before he enters, the 3rd string musses his ends and ties himself up in the middle. He enters the bar and the bartender shouts again "Hey, No Strings Allowed." The 3rd string calmly says, "I'm no string". The bartender pauses and says, "you're not a string?" and was somewhat confused. The 3rd string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

What's the backside of the moon called?

The front.

A guy is making out with a girl and things are going well...

When he thinks, "hey things are going my way quickly, so screw second base, I'm going for third."

He tries, but the girl backs off, and she says "wow, that's a little presumptuous don't you think?"

The man replies "Presumptuous? That's a pretty big word for an 8-year-old..."

Paddy And Murphy Are In The Pub

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

A tiger can jump higher than a three story building.

Tigers have fast twitch muscles in their backs and legs, and buildings cannot jump.

A good one for parties

So Steve, Greg, and I (put friends names in of course) were walking down a dirt road when we saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. We are all thinking the same thing so I go and have my way with it and they turn their backs. After I am done Steve goes and has his way with it, while Greg and I turn our backs. Then Greg goes over the fence and we are waiting and waiting and waiting... Finally we turn around and there is Greg, with his head stuck in the fence.

A man walks in a tattoo shop

And tells a tattoo artist:
Hey, i'm a bus driver, so i want a big and beautiful bus on my back.
Artist says No problem and gets to work. 10 minutes later he backs off and tells him Here you go, its done. What, already? asks the surprised man. Well, what did you expect? There is only 3 letters!

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

So a man backs into a car...

So older man backs into a car while trying to leave a parking lot. After hitting the car, the old man looks in the mirror to see a midget hop out, obviously very angry. The midget goes up to the door and yells, "You just back into me, and I'm not happy". The elderly man takes off his glasses and responds, "Well then which one are ya".

Someone called me a massagenist recently.

I was offended; rubbing backs is a woman's job.

I heard Oscar the Grouch was getting kicked off of Sesame Street.

Apparently he was trash talking the other cast members behind their backs.

A Spanish photon walks into a bar

The bar tender asks "what'll it be?" And the photon replies "una cerveza por favor." The bartender gives him a beer and come backs a few minutes later to find it finished. He asks: "want another?" To which the photon replies "Ay, no mas!"

Oops I missed a week

Has anyone seen my last post on here about me and my brother's spime surgery?

It was about 2 weak backs

What does an abortion doctor bring to a barbecue?

Baby backs.

Classy girls are like turtles

They rarely go on their backs, but when they do, they're there for a very long time.


Was watching a re-run of Rules of Engagement and heard this.

A butcher that backs into a meat grinder

Gets a little behind in orders

Two jars of peanut butter are fighting.One of them backs off...

The other one says;YOU BUTTER BACK OFF!

The other day I bought a Harry Potter themed device that puts the feathers on the backs of my arrows, but it's made out of poo...

It's muh dungus fletcher.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

^^Joke ^^Sponsored ^^by ^^'The ^^Nut ^^Job ^^2: ^^Nutty ^^By ^^Nature'

I like my coffee like my women...

Piping hot and all over my lap in the McDonald's drive thru

(backs away very slowly, opens door without turning around, lurks out...)

Unfortunately a large population of the East Coast of the US are attaching sleds to their backs.

Now it's all going down hill rather quickly.

My wife and I crack each other's backs every morning

It's a joint effort

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes