Background Jokes

Following is our collection of recorder humor and backstory one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Background puns for adults, dirty apps jokes or clean touche gags for kids.

There is an abundance of spotify jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 44 funniest jokes on background. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any experience witze you can hear about background.

The Best jokes about Background

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled "Who slept with my wife?"

and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."

The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


A boss announces to his staff: I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee!

A voice in the background says: I'm offering 200!

A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....

...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it. 
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.

A meeting at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope,

'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency,

but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,

thinks for a moment and answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares,

silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship,

are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now,

again thinks for a moment and then answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.



Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them

with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope!

Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,

'I'm sorry, my son,

there are no dwarf nuns

anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,

rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,

tears rolling down their cheeks,

as they begin chanting......



'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies, Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."


I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

CIA final test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists:
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."

Both my parents had sex changes

Now I have a transparent background.

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

Blonde Loyalty Test

I don't remember exactly how the joke was worded... maybe you guys can help me out if it doesn't come across well...

A blonde was completing spy training and for the final stage, the proctors had to test her loyalty to the agency. So, they tied a stranger to a chair, gave her a gun, and said "with no background on who this man is, or what he has done, you have to trust us that he needs to be killed." Then they left the room and immediately heard a gun shot, followed by some struggling. After a few minutes, she exited the room and the proctors said congratulations. She replied, "Thanks, but why would you give me a gun with a blank? I had to do it with my bare hands."

At a recent job interview I was asked about my background.

I got my phone out and showed him that it was a picture of a dog eating spaghetti.

What did one Muslim say to another in a supermarket?

Nothing very interesting, they are both completely ordinary members of society who should not be judged based on their ethnic background and skin colour.

And then the building exploded.

Potential Employer: We're going to need to do a background check, see if you have a police record.


An interviewer asked me, "What's your background?"

I said, "Right now? A window."

Satan Visits Three Men on a Boat

Note: This works with any race or ethnic background, but I will tell it as I first heard it.



There are three men on a boat. A Macedonian, a Bulgarian, and an Albanian. Mr. Satan shows up and tells them that he will kill them if they can't throw something he can't find into the ocean. The Albanian throws in a grain of rice. Satan jumps in the water and comes back with the rice after a few hours. He kills the Albanian. The Bulgarian throws a grain of sand into the ocean. After a few days, Satan retrieves it and kills the Bulgarian. Satan looks expectantly at the Macedonian, who then proceeds to throw an Alka-Seltzer into the ocean.

Magic Elixir of Life

A man was walking through Sarasota selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life."

Of course there were complaints and the police arrested him. They ran a background check of him and found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in England . . . . in 1660.

Seller: 500$ for this parrot

Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out he can't talk!!!
Auctioneer: Dont worry he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

Guy walks into a bar with a unholsteret gun

Entering he waves it in the air shouting
"This is a 8 round loaded 1911, now tell me who slept with my wife!"

Shortly after you hear a yelling from the background.

"YOU NEED MORE AMMO!"

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from
her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him
to death with the chair.'

I want the trumpets from Uptown Funk to play in the background wherever I go.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

Scooby and the gang on Family Fortunes

The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal, she ponders for a second and then a voice in the background goes "Rhino!"

The host says "I know you do Scooby, but it's not your go..."

The Unknown Celebrity

The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decided "why not?" And so, the Pope and the driver switch spots and pull out of the airport. On the freeway, the Pope gets a bit too excited and starts to push more on the accelerator. Suddenly the a siren rings out. The Pope pulls over and pulls out his passport. The cop walks up and the Pope rolls down the window. "What seems to be the problem officer?" The officer immediately recognizes His Holiness and runs back to squad car. He quickly radios into headquarters. "Boss, I just pulled over a huge celebrity! What should I do?" His captain radios back, "Well....who is it?" "Sir, I have no idea. But it has to be some one big....he's got the Pope driving for him!"

my son just told me he is a transgender

I literally fainted to the background and realized:
#I'M A TRANSPARENT

A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background:

Krautsourcing

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

Someone gave me a white noise machine to help me sleep. It didn't work.

Then again, its hard to sleep with Vanilla Ice playing in the background

A Chrome tab is just like a traumatic event

It hangs in the background, unnecessarily taking over your memory.

A child overhears their parents saying his game would cost an arm and a leg! The child really wants that new game, he would do anything for it

*Ambulance siren sounds in the background*

Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing

Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.

My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and they took them out a few months later. During the time after the surgery she couldn't walk and got around in a wheelchair.

July 4th, after her surgery, my brother was watching fireworks with her and her family. Ed Sheeran's song "Thinking Out Loud" came on the radio. Without missing a beat my brother makes eye contact with her and sings:

"When your legs don't work like they used to before"

my old man had a joke from his days in the Air Force

Background: my dad was a biomed tech and did work for all branches throughout many areas.

One day, he's at a Navy submarine repair station. as him and his buddy are walking in, 2 Navy guys see em and say 'Air Force? what are you guys doing here? where are they going to put the landing strip?'

the other Navy guys says, 'fuck that, where are they going to put the golf course?'

Burglar breaks into my house: Give me your values and you won't get hurt! Me: Yea right buddy- Alexa, call the police!

Alexa: Shuffling songs by, The Police.

('Roxanne' plays in the background as I'm shot 9 times)

The film director kept noticing people in the background hamming it up.

He shouted, "I said not to hire extra-verts!"

Notice all the dead crows on roads?

I was talking to the local game warden and he gave me the background why crows have been dying near roads

 

Turns out the DEC asked a local university to figure out why. The professor went out and studied crow behavior, and specifically why so many were dying. After a few months he realized crows hunt in pairs; one was always in the air looking for danger while the other was on the road eating.

 

The crow in the air could always warn when a car was coming by going *cah cah cah* but they hadn't figured out how to say *truck*

What type of water does President Obama swim in?

Barackish.

Background: I'm a dad and I thought of this while watching a PBS Kids' show about brackish waters.

What's the new French flag look like?

A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

I saw a picture online that had Dre, Seuss, and House cropped into the background.

Clearly it had been doctored.

Why the png can't get a decent job?

Because he fails the background check.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes