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Back Scratching Jokes

41 back scratching jokes and hilarious back scratching puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about back scratching that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Back Scratching Short Jokes

Short back scratching jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The back scratching humour may include short back rub jokes also.

  1. Wife: Why is you back all scratched up? *Flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone* Me: I'm having an affair.
  2. Team Croatia is like a bunch of mosquito bites on your back Ic's all over that can't be scratched.
  3. Why was the bumble bee so frustrated when he couldn't scratch his back? Because it was a bee-itch.
  4. A blonde comes back from the golf course, she's despondent. It had been a horrible game. "What was wrong?"
    "I *scratched* . . . ON EVERY HOLE!"
  5. Perks of dating the woman with the longest fingernails You can get a h**... and a back scratch with one hand.

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Back Scratching One Liners

Which back scratching one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with back scratching? I can suggest the ones about rubbing and cat scratch.

  1. Why can't the T-Rex scratch their backs? Because they're all dead.

Back Scratching Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about back scratching you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean back hurting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make back scratching pranks.

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to y**... it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-o**..., all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it.
He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman.
With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard.
The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled:
"Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.
Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate.
Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. "Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!"
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags..!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress.
Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Panicking, he leaps out of bed in only his robe and slippers, kicks over the wastebasket, and stomps out the flames, spreading ash and cinders all over his bedroom.
A physicist wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. A bit startled, he hurries to the kitchen and returns with a large dinner plate. He places the plate over the wastebasket and waits for the fire to extinguish.
A mathematician wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Coolly, he sits down at his desk with a pen and paper and scribbles some formulas. He scratches out his work, then lights a cigarette and sits back to consider. Suddenly thoughtful, he looks at the glass of water sitting on his desk. He takes one last drag from his cig, then drops it in the glass and watches it go out. "Aha!" he exclaims, "a solution exists!" and then returns to bed.

A blonde movie star is pulled over......

The cops walks up to the car and says "driver's licence please". The blonde says "What's a driver's licence?" The cop impatiently responds, "It's that square thing with your picture on it". "Oh!," exclaims the Blonde and she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the cop. As the cop looks at it, she scratches her head revealing long flowing golden hair*. She then hands it back and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't realize you were a cop."

A young woman's car broke down in the deep South.

She realized that there was no way to get back to the city that night, so she walked over to the nearest farm house and asked the man there if she could stay over for the night.
The farmer scratched his head and said, "Well, I sure don't see no problem with this, just don't bother my two sons Joe Bob and Billy."
The woman assured him that she wouldn't, but that night she snuck into the boys' shared room and said, "Hey boys, want to have some fun?" They, being teenage boys, readily agreed.
The girl first held up two condoms and said, "Now boys, before we get started, you both gotta put on a rubber. I don't want to be getting pregnant, now!" They both complied and the t**... had s**... all night long. The woman left the next day, and they never saw each other again.
Twenty years later, Joe Bob and Billy sat on their rocking chairs on the porch. Joe Bob turned to Billy.
"Billy?"
"Yeah Joe Bob?"
"Remember that fine lady that visited us that one time?"
"Sure do."
"Do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Sure don't."
"Me either. Let's take these danged things off."

A Mexican, a Black guy and a White guy are walking down the beach...

They find a bottle and the Mexican guy decides pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out of the bottle and speaks to them and grants them each one wish.
The Mexican guy goes first and says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and I could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Mexican guy disappears.
Now it's the black guy's turn. He says, "I wish that all my African brothers and I could all go back to our motherland and be happy, prosperous and free."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Black guy disappears.
Now it's the white guy's turn.
The white guy pauses for a moment, scratches his head and says "Are you telling me that all the b**... and Mexicans are gone from America?
The genie nods his head and says yes.
The white guy makes up his mind and says, "Ok, well i'll have a Coke, thanks."

Horrible Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Why are you dancing?

Mark loses an arm in a car accident. He becomes so depressed that he decides to commit s**... by jumping off of a building. As Mark is about to jump, he looks down and sees a man, with both arms amputated, dancing on the street.
Confused, Mark goes down and asks him: "Excuse me, I'm just curious as to why you are dancing with joy when you have lost both of your arms. Whereas, I'm about to kill myself after losing just one?"
The man looks back at Mark and says: "I'm not dancing... I have to scratch my back."

There was once a poetry competition...

and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far.
For the finals the moderator says "Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."
The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his t**... and says -
"Across the burning desert sands, winds a lonely caravan.
Camels traveling two by two, destination Timbuctu"
The audience is thoroughly impressed and considers the competition practically over, but Alabama still gets his shot.
He slowly takes the stage and scratches his head for a minute before beginning-
"A camping me and Tim we went,
Met three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two"

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation." Billy-Bob replied, "But we just don't have a ladder!"
The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily:
"That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!" She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill.
Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. "Isn't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are unhurt...it must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're right...it could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...

h**... Birth

Deep in the back woods of Eastern Kentucky, a h**...'s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The r**... scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

Long Lost Twins

There's this story on CNN running about these two long lost twins that found each other on Google!
Did ya hear about it?
The o**... down in Mexico, I think, was doing that family tree thing and found out that he had a twin, Ehmal, was taken as a baby with his mother back to the middle east! And these two found each other!
Well the reporter on the CNN kept trying to run the story but for some reason Ehmal was like this anti-computer guy or something cuz he couldn't get a decent picture to the reporter!
They got faxes of pictures that were too dark and phone calls and such but no decent pictures. Frustrated she goes to her producer with the problem, wondering what she should do. Guy scratched his head, thought about it for a while and you know what he said?
Well.... If you seen Juan, you seen Ehmal.

Bottle Number 43

A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is bottle number 43." He brings out a bottle and tells John to taste its content. John does, and immediately spits it out."Yuck, g**...!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste," says the doctor. John is furious.
A month later, John goes back to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "I can't remember anything!"
The doctor starts thinking again, and John is thrilled. Aha! Got him. The doctor mumbles to John, "What you need is bottle number 43..." Even before he finishes his sentence, John had fled the clinic.

Jokes from glorious motherland USSR

A man is walking along the road wearing only one boot. 'Did you lose a boot?' a passerby asks sympathetically. 'No, I found one,' the man answers happily.
What is it that doesn't knock, growl or scratch the floor? A machine made in the USSR for knocking, growling, and scratching the floor.
It is the middle of the night. There is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door. 'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'
A shopper asks a food store clerk, 'Are you all out of meat again?' 'No, they're out of meat in the store across the way. Here we're out of fish.'
Why doesn't the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? They are afraid they won't come back.
A man fell asleep on a bus. When someone stepped on his foot, he woke with a start and applauded. 'What are you doing, citizen?' 'I was dreaming I was at a meeting.'
'What is the difference between Pravda [Truth] and Izvestia [The News]?'
'There is no truth in The News, and no news in the Truth.'

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.
The owner of the Porsche is livid with rage that this dolt hit him and wrecked his new car. So he goes into his car and comes back with a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground around the driver of the station wagon and tells him if he leaves that circle he'll beat him to death with the baseball bat.
Then the Porsche driver goes to town on the station wagon, getting all his fury out destroying the car. He bashes in the windows, dents up the hood, roof and sides and destroys all the lights. When he comes back to the driver of the station wagon he finds the guy rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Astonished, he asks the guy how he could be laughing so hard after his station wagon was just destroyed.
The guy stops laughing for a second and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle *two times*!"

Indian bar game

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

Homer wants to be a cop

Homer applied for a job with the L.A.P.D. The Chief told him everything looked good to hire him but first he would need to answer some questions.
1st Question: "What is one and one?" Homer thought about it for a few minutes and then replied "eleven". Chief scratched his head in disbelief and said "Well, that's sure right."
2nd Question: "What two days of the week begin with the letter T." Homer grinned and quickly replied, "Awe, That's easy, today and tomorrow." Chief just looked shocked and said that's right.
3rd Question: "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Homer replied, "Gosh, I don't know."
The Chief told him, "No problem, go home and work on it and come back tomorrow."
That night Homer was at the bar with his buddies when one asked if he got hired at the PD today.
"Heck, yah"... replied Homer, "And I'm already assigned to a m**... case."
:)

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a h**...'s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa, there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern
down - I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Keep holding that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The h**... scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You
reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.
The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.
That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.
The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.
"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,
"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"

Missing report

A husband went to the police station to file a missing report
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Officer: -Slim or healthy?
Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Officer: -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Officer : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Officer : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Officer : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

Husband: I lost my wife says to Inspector

Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door….an then the Husband started crying…
Inspector: Don not worry sir,… we will find your car.

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it's cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it's more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

An embarassing supermarket checkout . . .

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.
Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, Price check on Tampax, supersize please.
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word Tampax for thumbtacks.
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a competition

They both have to find a bear, and convert it to their religion. A day passes, and they meet up again to see who won. The priest shows up with his bear dressed, and holding a bible. The minister shows up with a few scratches, and the rabbi shows up in a wheelchair.
"I baptized my bear in holy water, and read the entire bible to him" the priest said.
"I tried reading the catechism to my bear, but he scratched me and ran off" said the minister.
The rabbi finally has his turn and says, "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision"

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway

maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look". He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?" Schroedinger says, "I do now".

A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.

One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.

A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...

The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:
"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."
p**..., and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerly said:
"I wish for a castle with hundreds of staff and a limitless credit card."
p**..., and he too was gone. Scratching his stubble, the boss sighed.
"I want those two g**... loafers back in the office before lunch break ends!"

A man sees his friend covered in blood and scratches

A man was walking and see his friend clearly exhausted, scratched and covered in blood.
- What happened to you?
- Well, I just came back from burying my mother in law.
- Sorry to hear that, but how does that explain your injuries?
- ... She didn't want to.