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Back Pack Jokes

102 back pack jokes and hilarious back pack puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about back pack that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Back Pack Short Jokes

Short back pack jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The back pack humour may include short backpack jokes also.

  1. What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation? He packs his trunk and leaves.
    I should go back to studying now. K bye.
  2. Programmers wife tells him to go to the store... She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
    He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
  3. On the back of a pack of condoms it said: "Keep away from children." So now I have to get her the morning after pill.
  4. I used to tell dad jokes. But he still hasn't come back from buying that pack of cigarettes yet.
  5. Back in my day Back in my day you use to be able to go into a Shop with £1.00 and come out with 2 Chocolate Bars and a Packed Of crisp, but now these days they have Cameras.
  6. I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits, but had to take them back as the seal was broken...
  7. Olive Garden really does treat you like family... My waiter left to go buy a pack cigarettes, and he still hasn't come back yet. 😢
  8. Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore…. Too many cameras.
  9. Did you hear about the man with a stutter who went to the shop for a mars bar? He came back with 50 packs of m and m's
  10. Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church." Did you give it back?"
    "Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

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Back Pack One Liners

Which back pack one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with back pack? I can suggest the ones about sleeping bag and handbag.

  1. My dad left to get a pack of cigars He came back tho
  2. Yo momma so fat that the back of her neck looked like a pack of hot dogs.

Back Pack Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about back pack you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shopping bag jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make back pack pranks.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.


They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.


Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

There were four people on a plane.
One of them, the Pilot.
The other was the president of the United States –Obama, The oldest man in the world, and a little boy.
The plane was about to c**... and the only option for survival was to jump!
But there were only three parachutes.
The Pilot took a parachute and said, "I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute."
And he jumped off.
Then Obama grabs a and jumps saying, "Since I'm the president, I get one too!"
And he jumps.
The little boy then grabs a parachute and hands it to the old man.
The man declines, saying, "No, boy, take it. I'm too old anyway."
The boy answers, "What? No! Obama took my back-pack!"

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."


She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the c**... on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her p**... and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the c**... on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot s**... love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,
"Well, how was it for you?"
The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

A golfer bought a six pack of beer but he had to take it back...

because there was a hole-in-one

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope,
'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency,
but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares,
silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now,
again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them
with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,
rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks,
as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy s**... a penguin!'
'Grumpy s**... a penguin!'

Apparently I'm still lost....

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....

Dead Donkey joke

One day Chuck got tired of investment banking and decided to become a farmer. He packed his things and bought a Texas ranch.
Eventually Chuck bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey following week.
When the day came, the farmer showed up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'Whattaya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'That's my business.'
A month later, the farmer bumped into Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I held a raffle. People could pay a dollar per ticket for a chance to win a free donkey. I sold five hundred tickets!'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain when they found out the donkey was dead?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his dollar."

Irish guy in a parking lo

theres an Irish guy driving through a packed parking lot. Upset, he shouts "dear lord, if ya help me find a parkin spot I swear on me moothers grave that I will give up mah whiskey." Just then a car backed out of a spot in front of him. Suprised, he then shouts "Nevermind lord, I found one!"

Bagpiper at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

The pharmacist

Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.
The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.
Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
So did you follow him? asks pharmacist
Yup.
Where did he go?
Your house.

Bagpipes at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Pack your Bags

A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage.
As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, "I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."
The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the women and says, "I'm sorry, we can't do that!"
The woman says, "Well why not? You guys did it last time without me even asking?"

A twist on a classic

Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those b**..., mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

Finally his wife opened the box that were closed for 20 years , and guess what she found

a man have been married for about 20 years and he has a closed box throughout all this years , his wife were so carious about what's inside this closed box , once the man went to his work and forgot that box key, his wife has found the chance to see inside that box , when she opened it she found 3 eggs and 2000$ , after her husband came back from work she asked him about the 3 eggs , and simply answered : " each time I cheating on you i put an egg inside the box " , She said ' So you cheated on me only 3 times in the whole 20 years , That's not problem, what about the 2000$ " He replied : " Whenever i get an eggs pack sell it "

A bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeraldirector to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Wisconsin back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. >> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. >> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

The Lone Ranger is in trouble now!

The lone ranger and Tonto are riding together, when suddenly they are surrounded by a group of Apache Indians, screaming like banshees and swinging warclubs.
The lone ranger takes a look at the war-painted pack of warriors howling for his blood, and yells to his faithful sidekick, "Looks like we might have to fight them off, Tonto!"
The lone ranger looks over his shoulder to see Tonto backing his horse away slowly.
"What you mean 'we', white man?"

I'm not lost. ...okay maybe I am.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

A doctor a lawyer a priest, and a young boy are on a plane when the hits turbulence and is about to c**......

There are three parachutes between the four of them. The doctor says "Well I'm a doctor and I specialize in medicine and saving lives so I think I should live", the others agree and the doctor takes the first parachute and jumps out. The lawyer says "Well I'm a really smart man basically a genius so I think I should live too", so he grabs the second parachute and jumps out. Now its the last parachute between the priest and the little boy. The priest looks at the boy and says "You know what my child take the parachute, the good lord has blessed me my whole life and you still have your life ahead of you so save yourself and take the last parachute". The little boy says "No it's all right", the priest asks "Why?" and the boy replies "Because the genius just jumped out with my back pack".

A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store…

She has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken p**... pies, and laundry detergent.
When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.
You must be single? he asked her.
Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.
Yes, I am single , she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I'm single? she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.
cause….. he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. cause you're ugly.

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost…

I played for a homeless mans f**...

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

So there's this blonde...

and she's sick and tired of being stereotyped as the dumb blonde, so she decides to dye her hair and move to another city. After she died her hair brown, she packs up her things and leaves for the new city. Driving down a barren country road on the way there, she starts to get really hungry. With no restaurants in sight, she pulls in to the only home as far as the eye can see, a sheep farm. Thinking a sheep would make a tasty meal, she walks up to the house where the farmer is sitting on the front porch and asks him if she can guess how many sheep there are if she can have one. The farmer agrees. The woman has a knack for counting and adds up all the sheep really quickly and says "72". The farmer says "whelp, that's right, go grab your sheep and leave." The woman picks up her choice and starts walking back to her car, but before she gets in the farmer shouts after her "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A guy and a girl have been dating for a while...

and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship and have s**.... She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed.
After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack.
Later that night, he goes to his girlfriends parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he to the surprise of his girlfriend offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still saying prayers. The girlfriend leans over to him and says:
"Wow I didn't know you were so religious." He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."
(Haven't seen this one on here so I thought I would share)

Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. (xpost from funny)

Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost…

Dinner with parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a
dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s**... before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and s**....
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

First time s**...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s**... before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and s**....
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

Gone Fishing.

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."
"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."
So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"
"How did I pack?" the wife asks.
"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.
"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box."

Optimism is measured by how many condoms a guy packs for a weekend out of town.

Disappointment is measured by how many he brings back.

The smart smuggler

A shrewd businessman was crossing a border with two donkeys and some luggage. The border guard stops him and checks the packs, but finds nothing in them. He lets him pass.
This cycle repeats itself, with the businessman crossing the border back and forth, and the border guard never finding anything. Many years later, both the businessman and guard are retired and by chance meet up at a coffee house.
The guard sees that the businessman is very rich, so he asks him "Please answer honestly. I know you were smuggling something, but I can't for the life of me figure out what. What was it?"
The businessman replies: "Donkeys!"
This is a story from one of the adventures of a Persian sage called Mulla Nasrudin. Nasrudin's stories are both wise and funny. If you enjoy this one, I can post more. I had a book about these stories and remember quite a few.

A marriage in trouble

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"

THE EXPLANATION

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law
p**... in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened p**... ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
(your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing
trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife
Jean, n**... with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable,
the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down p**...!" says his mother-in-law. "There
is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"p**.... I told you there must be a simple explanation ....
She never got your E-mail!"

So, a little boy comes home to hear his sister bawling her eyes out.

...and he goes up stairs, sets his back pack down and goes into his sisters room. "What's the matter sis? What's wrong?" To which the sister replied "Dad just broke the news to me that I am adopted. Paperwork and all." So the boy says "Well, I still love you as my sister. Nothing will ever change that." The sister found that comforting, and gave her brother a kiss. Well, one kiss turned into a few and they end up having s**..., with the revaluation that they are not related and after the funs over, the boy pulls out and sees the c**... is just destroyed. So they talk about what to do, and decide on going to their father. They put their clothes on, walk down the stairs hand in hand and before they could break the news to their dad he jumped out from around the corner and yelled APRIL FOOLS!

Man walks into a bar.

Man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While finishing his pint he notices that the music from the corner is from a Dog playing a Piano and a Frog singing impeccably.
The man is stunned and turns back to the Landlord.
He asks the landlord "Excuse me, how much for the Dog and the Frog? I'm a talent agent and this is just the act i am looking for"
The landlord replies "They are not for sale, i couldn't part with both of them"
The talent agent thinks about this and says "Ok, i will give you a hundred grand for one of them"
The landlord thinks about this and then agrees to sell him the frog, the Agent excitedly he pays the landlord and packs the Frog safely away and disappears off down the road.
One of the regulars turns to the landlord and says "Why did you sell the frog and not the dog?"
The landlord looks at him and smiles "Do you know how hard it is to teach a dog ventriloquism AND play the piano?"

Homeless and thirsty.

Two homeless guys were sitting around and wanting a drink. With only a couple bucks in between them they realized that was barely one beer. Hobo A takes the money and heads out. He comes back with a pack of hot dogs. Hobo B yells at him for bringing back food instead of beer. Hobo A says "Trust me. Just put one of the hot dogs in your pants." They walk into a bar and order a couple of rounds. when the bill came Hobo A unzips B's pants and starts s**... on the hot dog. The bartender yells for security to throw them out immediately. Without paying the tab they get thrown out and goes to the next bar. They repeat this for 5 bars. Once they got back to their sleeping area Hobo A says "See? I told you it was a great idea! Good and drunk for free!" Hobo B says "You have no idea. I lost the pack of hot dogs in the first bar!"

Back in the day I could go to the store with $5 and come home with a gallon of milk, a lb of baloney, 3 packs of cigarettes and a 12 pack. Can't do that anymore.

There are to many security cameras these days.

A woman buys a pack of cigarettes....

And leaves the store to light one up and enjoy it. But as she was trying to take a drag of the wonderful cig, the rain extinguishes it, forcing her once again to light it, only again for the rain to stop her from enjoying it. So having given up on smoking at present she begins her walk down the sidewalk. As she is walking down the sidewalk, she happens upon another women happily enjoying her smoke in the rain.
"excuse me miss. But how do you keep you cigarette lit in this rain?" She asked.
"easy," says the woman " I just put a c**... over it to keep the rain off."
Flabbergasted by this idea the woman rushes back to the convenience store.
"did you forget something?" Asked the owner
"yes," she replied "I need condoms!"
"what size ma'am?" Asked the shopkeep
"anything large enough to fit a camel!" She said.

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's *SemperFi* tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.
"This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the patron.
"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar.
"If," says the armless man, "you'd reach in my right-hand pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more."...
**"Where is the men's room?"**
The bartender's face suddenly turns flush...
"Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks - there's a gas station on the corner."

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance.

The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."

Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the b**..., mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

Back in the day, I took $5 to the store and came out with..

3 bags of chips, a pack of snickers, 2 bottles of coke, a newspaper and a bottle of whisky.
And today? CCTVs everywhere!

A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......

The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.

Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.
Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:
"if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?"
"fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it".
After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says:
"if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?"

My girl told me that she has daddy issues...

So i left for a pack of smokes and never came back.

A man is going fishing one day.

After awhile, he ran out of worms to use as bait. He noticed a cottonmouth with a frog hanging out of its mouth. Knowing frogs make good bait, he caught the snake. He picked it up by the back of the head since it couldn't bite him with a frog in its mouth. The man removes the frog and thinks "how do I let the snake go without being bit?". So, with his free hand, he reaches into his box and pulls out his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man is able to release it without getting bit. Hours later, he's done fishing and packing stuff up when he feels something on his foot. He looks down and it's the same snake, with two more frogs.

One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a l**... shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 p**....
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no p**...
I made $300,000.. ...

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

Five years and she was leaving.

The dough was walking down the steps with her packed bag refusing to look back. The baker wanted to know what it was he had to say, but there were no words for him to find there. He reached a hand out at the air behind her and whispered, "Please, I knead you."

My mom asked me to get a pack of cigarettes

Nice try.
Last time anyone in my family did that they didn't come back.

Simple economics

A man travelled to the USA in hopes of bettering his life for him and his family. When he arrived he opened up a furniture shop and a lingere shop.
After 6 months he was doing very well and wrote to his wife:
Dear wife,
Please pack up and come to me in the USA. I have sold 100 matresses and 5000 p**... and have made $100,000
Love your husband
Upon receiving the letter his wife writes back:
Dear husband,
Maybe it is better that you come back home. I have made $3,000,000 with 1 mattress and no p**....
Love your wife

Bartering with Beer

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"

Heard this gem from a coworker yesterday

A man and his wife are out grocery shopping when the husband stops in beer section and gets a 24-pack for $10.
The husband puts the 24-pack in the cart and his wife stops him and say "We can't get that, we have to stick to the budget!" so he puts it back on the shelf.
Later on the wife stops in the cosmetics section and gets a container of face cream for $20. When she puts it in the cart, her husband stops her and says "We can't get that honey, it's not in the budget".
The wife says
"This face cream is what I use to look good!"
The husband says
"Well the beer makes you look good for half the price!"

An Native American was walking into the store

As he neared the store another native american was walking out.
Seeing this man the man entering shouted out " Hello friend, What did you get on this fine day?"
The man leaving turned his head toward the first man and replied back "Why i got a 12 pack for the old lady"
The first man put his fist to his chest and said "Wow, what a good trade!"

A guy buys a pack of cigarettes

He reads a warning on the pack "smoking causes erectile dysfunction" he rushes back to the seller and says "hey, give me the ones that causes cancer"

Moving out

About a month ago, I turned 21 and my parents said that I should consider moving out. Although they didn't directly say that I should leave, I could tell that they wanted me to move. I agreed with them. My room was too small for me anyways, so I packed my clothes, my TV, and my laptop. I finalized my plan and left two days later. It's been about a month and my new place is okay, but there is only one problem. There is no heater, so I may have to move out of the basement and go back upstairs to my room.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things!

I just won the Lottery!'
Martha shouts back, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
The man replies, 'I don't care, just as long as you're out of the house by noon!'

A young woman goes grocery shopping...

She wanders through the store more or less aimlessly, finally arriving at the checkout, where she places her items on the conveyor belt: Ramen noodles, a two-pack of toilet paper, a bottle of cheap wine, some grapes, a frozen pizza and a chocolate bar.
The cashier looks at her items, looks at her, looks back at her items and says, "Let me guess, you're single".
"Yeah, you're right", the woman admits, "but how did you know that?"
"Well...", she responds, "you're ugly"

I was packing up for vacation

When my wife yelled from down stairs "YOU BETTER NOT BE TAKING EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK". I yelled back "thanks for reminding me i will go get the wrench"

Three guys - Steve, Bill and Charlie were working on a high rise building.

Steve falls off the rise and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says "Ok, I'm pretty good at handing such sensitive stuff; I'll do it."
2 hours later he comes back carrying a six pack of beer.
Charlie asks "Where did you get that Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady that her husband is dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Steve's widow.
She said, "I'm not a widow.
and I said, "wanna bet me a six pack?

My dad said jokingly, I'll see you next year.

Then he left to go get a pack of cigarettes... It's 2019, and he's not back yet.

Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

Father and son are shopping in a grocery store and the son asks dad what are these for?

*pointing at the condoms*
Dad: oh well son, remember the birds and the bees? Well those are something you use for protection
Son: what's this 3 pack?
Dad: those are for high school kids, just getting starting.. 1 Friday, 1 Saturday and 1 Sunday
Son: this 6 back?
Dad: These are for college students.. 2 Friday, 2 Saturday, and 2 Sunday
Son: and these?
Dad: oh the 12 pack? These are very special. These are for married folks.. 1 January, 1 February, 1 March...

A woman goes to the store

She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know you're single". The woman is surprised and laughs "That's crazy! How can you tell just based on my items?!". The cashier replies, "its cause you're ugly"

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I'd stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn't have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

A car, screaming down the street...

A car, screaming down the street, broadslides itself to rest on the front lawn of a house.
The driver jumps out and runs, full-bore, into the home
"Honey!", he yells up the stairs, "'Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"
She yells back down, "Oh that's wonderful!! What should I pack? Beach clothes? Cabin clothes?"
He yells, "Doesn't matter! Just get out!!"

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!
Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...

...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.
Mr Penguin decides to walk around and window shop. He soon finds an ice cream parlor and gleefully orders a cone. Since he has flippers he has a hard time holding the cone, and ends up smearing ice cream all over his beak.
Mr Penguin makes it back to the auto shop and the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
And Mr Penguin says "Oh no, I just ate some ice cream."