The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Guess who came crawling back
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
A little upset to find out he came back
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Then plug me back in, see if that works.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
Because you don't turn your back on family.
A guy in the back replies
You don't have enough bullets
She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
Quick answers please.
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
We'll return him back to you.
But when I came back home, they were still there.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
A man and his wife are talking.
W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?
she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops
Reintarnation
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
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