Back Door Jokes

A man Walk in to a Bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.
The proprietor comes out
Trash man says: 'where's ya bin'
Asian proprietor says: 'I bin to Hong Kong'
Trash man says: 'no... where's ya wheelie bin?'
Asian proprietor: 'I wheely bin to hong kong'
Trash man: 'ok... so how about: where's ya dust bin'
Proprietor: 'I dust bin inside doing some paperwork'
The trash man, defeated, left without the trash.
Disclaimer: it's such an old joke but it's always been one of my favourites.

A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.

His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"

I was following an ambulance today

Going down the road with the lights on and siren blaring. We were on a highway with a high speed limit so I could keep up without being too close.
The ambulance goes around the curve ahead of us and the back door flings open. A cooler rolls out and lands on the side of the road.
I figured they would have saw it but I pulled over where it landed anyway. I got out and picked the cooler up. A little dented but still closed and intact.
I opened the cooler and found it was full of ice, and what appeared to be someone's severed toe. "Surely they noticed the door open and will come back shortly" I thought.
I waited for an hour and no sign of them so I decided to just give up waiting and call a tow truck.

the ambulance and the toe

Last night I was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home.
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw an ambulance with its lights on. I pulled over and as the ambulance passed by, I noticed the back door open up a little. The ambulance hit a small bump and out fell an ice chest.
I quickly pulled off the road and rushed over to the ice chest and opened it up. Inside was a human toe in the ice. I knew I wouldn't be able to catch the ambulance so I got in my car and rushed to the nearest gas station to call 911 (my cell phone was dead). They told me they'd send a car right away but all of their police cars were in use and told me just to wait 20 minutes.
So I waited 20 minutes for the tow truck to show up.

Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink...

the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again.
"BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!"
The barman, again, doesn't want to disturb his customers, and escorts Bernard, discreetly, out the back door. "Bernard, you've had enough tonight. Go back home!"
Again, he stumbles in through the door, collapses on the chair and repeats his demands.
"Bernie, how many times am I going to have to tell you...you're drunk! Go home!"
Bernie fixes his wandering eyes on the barman and exclaims in exasperation, "Shishhhh, man! How miny baars do you work at??"

Christmas

His teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmastime?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: What A Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas .

A cowboy walks into a saloon

A cowboy walks into a saloon as he's passing through town. As he sits down with his drink he notices a few rough looking locals at a table staring and pointing at him and looking generally unfriendly. He finishes his drink, and not wanting any trouble he decides he'd better get back on the road again. He walks out and notices that his horse is no longer tied to the hitch, so he turns around and heads back into the bar. All of the guys at the table are snickering and laughing and staring at him again.
The cowboy loudly says "I'm gonna grab another drink and I'm gonna sit here and drink it, and when I'm done my horse is gonna be back on that hitch out there. And if it's not on the hitch out there when I'm done I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I don't want to have to do what I did back in Texas."
The place falls silent and a couple of locals slink out the back door. He finishes is drink, and sure enough his his horse is back on the hitch. He hops on it, and starts trotting down the road. The bartender walks out into the road and says "Hey Mister! What did you have to do back in Texas?"
The cowboy stops his horse, and looks at him.
"I walked home."

Man goes into a bar and gets way too drunk,

After already having 7 or 8 pints the man walks up to the bartender, and asks for another Pint. The bartender apologizes and tells the man he can no longer serve him because he has had too much to drink. The man, upset, leaves the bar and stumbles down the street. About 15 minutes later he walks in the side door of the bar, goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a pint. The bartendender apologizes again, but politely asks the man to leave. The man leaves, wanders off into the street, and just a few minutes later he enters through the back door of the bar. The bartender is now angry, "Sir, I already told you twice, I can't serve you, please leave my bar." The intoxicated man exclaims, "Not you again! How many bars do you work at!?"

A little boy was afraid of the dark...

One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Can't serve drink to the drunk

A man, clearly the worse for drink, staggers into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman says to him "I'm afraid I can't serve you, as you are obviously drunk. Would you like me to call you a taxi?"
Mumbling something or other along the lines of "no", the man clumsily makes his way back out the door without causing any fuss.
A few minutes later, the man comes back in through the side door of the pub, and tries to order a pint.
"I'm afraid, sir, that I still cannot serve you as you are drunk," comes the reply, "are you sure you don't want me to call you a cab?"
Once again the man mutters and makes his way out through the door he came in.
Several more minutes pass, and who should come in the back door of the pub but this same boozed-up individual. This time staggers up to the bar, looks the bartender in the eyes, and a look of surprise spreads over his face.
"Jesus," he manages to say, "how many bars in this town d'you work in?"

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead".
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.
"That will be L1000, please".
"A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man.
"Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.”
The guy swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.
Again the bartender says,”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”
Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man…”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."