Babysitter Jokes

Following is our collection of night humor and std one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Babysitter puns for adults, dirty herpes jokes or clean toddler gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mother jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 43 funniest jokes on babysitter. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any molest witze you can hear about babysitter.

The Best jokes about Babysitter

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.

I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

My wife told me she has the body of a teenager

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw her washing daddy's face the other day."

My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter...

I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

Daddy's Fat

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

"I have to do that, or dad's belly gets really fat, bouncing on his belly keeps him skinny."

That's not going to work.

"Why baby?"

Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again!

Mahatma Gandhi wanted to be a babysitter...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Nevertheless, in his final years he decided that he wanted to be a babysitter and sent an application to the Babysitter University. Unfortunately they rejected him, stating that they could not accept an applicant that was "A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis".

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy. He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.

The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.

The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going to work because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."

Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?

Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."

Boy: "But that won't work."

Mom: "Why not?"

Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."

Why did Superboy never need a babysitter?

He always had super vision.

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

Little Johnny goes to his mother...

"Mommy, Mommy! do you know that my new babysitter is an angel?"

"Oh why do you say so?" replies the Mother.

"Because this morning, while you were out, she was standing all naked in your room on the bed under the crucifix you and Dad keep on the wall screaming \-I am coming, oh Lord, I am coming!!!\- luckily Daddy was behind holding her down"...

Little Billy came home early from school to find his mom naked, just getting out of the shower...

"Hey mom, what's that bushy thing between your legs?" he asked. "Oh that's just my sponge," his mom replied. A few days later Billy had a friend over, "mom, show Tommy your sponge." Billy's mom replies, "oh, I can't, I seem to have misplaced it." Billy says "oh I'll go ask the babysitter where she put it, I saw her cleaning daddy's face with it the other day."

So,Yesterday, my dad caught me having sex with the babysitter....

2 Hours later, my mom caught all of us.

"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"

"Of course not, silly!"

"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: *"Turn the light off and suck it"*?"

What's the difference between a man and a child?

The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

I asked the babysitter how our son had behaved.

She said, "He's been fine, I haven't seen him since he went out for a walk."

How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?

She swallowed

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Grab my kids and my clown statue and get out of there!*"

I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."

He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"

I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

What do you pay a babysitter?

The Nanny McFee

Looking for a flexible babysitter.

My girlfriend only does missionary.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.

And calling you a "home intruder".

A little boy was in the bath with his mom.

The boy said "What's that hairy thing, mommy?", She replied, "That is my sponge honey". "Ohhh," said the boy, "The babysitter has one too. I saw dad washing his face with it!"

[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with out my teddy" "OK ill sleep together with you". With the bed sheets covering both of the the boy says "I like to put my finger in teddys' bellybutton" "OK"..... a while passes the babysitter exclaims "UM .. UM that's not my bellybutton" the boy smiles " that's not my finger"

So I found out this guy was literally throwing my throw pillows.

I really regret hiring him as my babysitter.

What's the worst part of being a babysitter when a kid pees on the floor?

Urine Charge.

I just hired a hot 19 year old babysitter for my little daughter

when she arrives,the fact that I dont have a little daughter will only be her second biggest surprise of the night

I am so immature

That I hired a babysitter for myself

What do you call it when a child develops a crush on their babysitter?

Stockholm syndrome.

Why does Dj Khaled's son have a babysitter?

He never plays himself

My wife and I were leaving for our night.

The babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

What do you call a sheep babysitter?

A baa-nana

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

My babysitter once tried to molest me

Goes without saying I stopped letting him babysit my kids after that.

My Asian babysitter protected me from a dog once.

She told me, don't worry, I eat dogs like that for breakfast

I threw a party for my babysitter...

but she couldnt come.

My Dad really needs to stop setting such a high bar all the time.

My friend hates his black, annoying babysitter.

He really hates naggers.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes