The Best 77 Baby Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Baby jokes. There are some baby toddler jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these baby baby diaper puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Baby Jokes and Puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

jokes about baby

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

Baby joke, My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

You can explore baby nursery reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean baby birth dad jokes. There are also baby puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

What did baby corn say to mommy corn?

Where's popcorn?

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

Baby joke, Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."

Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

Baby joke, I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Quick question...

How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There's usually a dead baby.

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_

At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells

_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, Suffocation, no breathing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.

The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"

The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It's the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

The doctor handed me a baby...

The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!"

A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby

So I told them, "Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it shits itself a lot."

Baby Shark

Today's date.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."

"But what do you think we should call the baby?"

Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby. Who's the biggest in the family?

The baby of course - because he's a little Bigger.

Why did Trump throw so many plates against the wall like a baby?

He wanted to seem tough on china.

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

A family of moles on an early breakfast morning.

The big ol papa mole raises his head up out of the hole and smells the air then says "i smell pancakes!"

Then the big ol mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole, smells the air, and says "i smell pancakes!"

Then itty bitty lil ol baby mole wiggles up between big ol papa mole and big ol mama mole, sniffs the air and exclaims "I smell molasses!"

The Stork family comes home at the end of the day

The storks sit down for dinner. Mama Stork says "Father Stork, what did you do today?"

Father Stork says "I was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Mama Stork?"

Mama Stork says "I also was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Baby Stork?"

Baby Stork says "I was out scaring the crap out of college students."

(Cultural note: in many cultures, a common myth is that storks deliver babies to mothers instead of mothers giving birth)

If we get olive oil from squeezing olives, and we get coconut oil from squeezing coconuts….

Where does baby oil come from?

They say live fast, die young

But ESPN keeps rejecting my pilot episode of Baby Formula 1 Racing

If olive oil comes from olives and mineral oil comes from minerals...

What does baby oil come from?

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

A man flashes a woman at the grocery store

She says " Oh my gosh ! Thank you ! I almost forgot to get baby carrots

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.

The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"

"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''

He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches her and says, "Why were you running?"

She said I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the baby baby daddy puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working baby baby delivery piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes