baby Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious baby stories

What are the best baby puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Baby? Well here is a complete list of the top baby jokes:

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7?

I still love vista, baby

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A pregnant woman falls into a coma..

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: That's not too bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: Denephew

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Have you ever tasted a baby wookie?

It's good, but still a little Chewie.

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Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

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What sex position makes an ugly baby?

Go ask your mom

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I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.

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2 Transformers got married

Soon thereafter, they had a baby Transformer. But at that moment when they had a baby, they suddenly could not be seen anymore.

They had become Transparents.

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The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

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moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

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The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

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I like my women the way I like my microwave... ...

...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.

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Using what sexual position often causes a couple to have an ugly baby?

I don't know, ask your mom.

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What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband?

Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

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A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary

That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom naked and starts playing with her nipples.

"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"

"I wanna to suck them dry," he says.

She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"

"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.

She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"

"I think I did a pretty good job at both."

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Arnold Schwarzenegger's computer

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 8, he replied: "I still love Vista, baby"

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Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

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I have a baby sized penis.

7 pounds, 8 ounces, 22 inches long.

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Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

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My wife and I finally finished baby-proofing the house.

Let's see that baby try and get in here now.

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So two people are about to have sex for the first time

and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, but do you thell baby bunnieth?".

The pet store owner smiles and says, "Why, yes, sweetheart! We sell all kinds of baby bunnies. Now... what kind of baby bunny would you like? Would you like a baby grey bunny? Or a baby white bunny? Or would you prefer a pretty brown bunny?"

The little girl replies, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

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Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old.

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Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now.


How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!!

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A young couple adopt a German baby.

A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."

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I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby....

...the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

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Do you know why Dead Baby jokes never get old?

Because they die so young.

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Baby, I'm gonna love you like a snowstorm...

I'm gonna give you 10" and you won't be able to leave the house for three days.

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[All credit to Ana Kasparian from the TYT Network] So, I heard Kim Kardashian is having Kanye West's baby...

At least she let him finish.

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A woman gets on a bus...

with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

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So I told a premature baby joke at an open mic night but I don't think the crowd liked it.

Apparently it was too soon

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What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.

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What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?

Baby kangaroos.

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Everyone is going crazy over that Kim and Kanye named their baby "North West" I believe she's going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left

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A logician's wife is having a baby...

She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.

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So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

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maternity ward

A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."

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Two babys at the birth ward...

...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"

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Who is a Project Manager?

Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.

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There are 4 babies: 1 German, 1 Filipino, 1 Jewish and 1 Chinese. (Possibly offensive)

All 4 of them look and sound exactly the same, hair color, skin color, size, everything.

You are only allowed to tell them apart by saying 1 word.
What word is it?


Answer:
You shout "Hitler!". The German baby will salute, the Jewish baby will cry and shit his diapers, and the Chinese baby will order the Filipino baby to clean it up.

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A Native American boy goes up to his father and asks him how they are given their names...

"Father, how are our names chosen?"
"Well, when a baby is born, the father walks out of the tent, and the first thing he sees, he names his new son.
If he sees a bird flying, he names 'flying bird'. A deer jumping? 'Jumping Deer'.
So tell me, young Sheep-a-Shittin', why do you ask?"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best baby jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about baby. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty baby gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these baby jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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