Baby Jokes

Following is our collection of nursery puns and toddler one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Baby jokes for adults, dirty birth jokes and clean dead baby dad gags for kids.

The Best Baby Puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.


Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There's usually a dead baby.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.


I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_

At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells

_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

What did baby corn say to mommy corn?

Where's popcorn?

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

Quick question...

How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

Why do baby boomers like fracking so much?

Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.

A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."

The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Meβ€Œβ€Œ: *\*handinβ€Œβ€Œg babβ€Œβ€Œy bacβ€Œβ€Œk tβ€Œβ€Œo himβ€Œβ€Œ\** brinβ€Œβ€Œg mβ€Œβ€Œe thβ€Œβ€Œe onβ€Œβ€Œe mβ€Œβ€Œy wifβ€Œβ€Œe made.

My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.

We need to stop this woman.

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby.

I just haven't decided which one yet.

There is an abundance of baby camel jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes and baby puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any baby sister witze you can hear about baby.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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