baby Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious baby puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

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Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, Honey, go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

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A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

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My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

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Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

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A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

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A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

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I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

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"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

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My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.

Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.

Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.

"Miss, are you sick?"

"No, but the last guy was."

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Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

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Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said,

"Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

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Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There's usually a dead baby.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The Englishman replies, "I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance."

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An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

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Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

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The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

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I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

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Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

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I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

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My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

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why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us.

Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here.

A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,

Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:



Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

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An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"

And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

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My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

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A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments.

Comment breakdown:

* "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it"
* "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering"
* "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason)
* Some stuff about my mom
* Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)

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Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."

So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.

So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.

"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:)

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A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

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I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

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Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

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The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

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German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied:
"Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

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Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

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Hung Like a Baby

I got married last week my fiancΓ©e and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiancΓ©e came up to me and said

" I have to admit something.... My boobs are not really this big, I have been stuffing my bra the whole time!"
I responded "it is Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!" "I have something to admit as well.... I am hung like a baby!"

she also said "it is OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!"

So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her "your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!"

I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said "I thought you were hung like a baby"

"I am 7 pounds 6 ounces 19 and a half inches"

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A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

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I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

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A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

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My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

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A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.

A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"

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We can't have sex.

This guy went to a bar...long story short, he met this broad and they went back to his place. Before they got undressed to do the horizontal mambo, he said, "Listen, I'm sorry but I don't think we should have sex right away". "Why's that?" she said.

"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to know each other first, and then when we feel we're ready, we'll do it."

So the girl agreed, but only because he was a good-looking dude and pretty nice.

Several dates later, they make it back to his place again, and after some conversation, they decide it's time. She undresses and slides into bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.

She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete shock and awe.

"B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"

"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."

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A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

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A lady walks down the street with her breast naked

Someone tells her:

"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"

She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:

"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"

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What did baby corn say to mommy corn?

Where's popcorn?

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

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My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

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I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

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Quick question...

How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

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Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

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The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."

The little girl smiles and goes on her way.

A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"

The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

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A little black kid covered himself with baby powder.

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder and ran up to his mom screaming, "Mama, mama! Look, I'm white!". His mom was very upset and gave him a spanking and told him, "Go and tell your auntie what you told me!"
So he ran up to his auntie and said "Auntie, auntie! Look, I'm white!" His auntie got even angrier and belted him, and said "Go and tell your grandmother what you just told me"
So he ran up to his grandmother and said "Grandma, grandma! Look, I'm white". She got even angrier and beat him harder than both his mom and aunt combined.
After she was done, she asked him, "So what have you learned from this?"
And the kid responded, "I've only been white for about ten minutes and I already hate black people".

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Breastfeeding a Baby

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

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Hey baby are you a communist?

Because I can feel an uprising in my lower class.

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I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because they weren't born yesterday...

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Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

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Why do baby boomers like fracking so much?

Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.

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My Daughter Wanted a Puppy

I was walking through the park a few weeks ago with my daughter, when she pulled at my hand and pointed over to what was 2 dogs having sex - she asked me "daddy what are they doing", to which I replied "they are making a puppy".

Anyway's a few weeks later I was in the bedroom on top of my wife making passionate love to her, when my daughter burst in the room and said "daddy what are you doing", I said "we are making a baby", to which she started crying, and then whimpered "daddy please turn mummy over, I really want a puppy"...

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A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."

The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"

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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

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My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

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Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.

We need to stop this woman.

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When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

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I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

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Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

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Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby.

I just haven't decided which one yet.

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A pregnant woman is hit by a private car....!

She is sent into a coma for 2 years. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

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A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"

"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

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Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

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A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.

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Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

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What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

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After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage!

This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

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I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

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After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

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Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, the nurse realized that she had forgotten to place tags on the different sheets. She informed the doctor of her mistake and that she was unable to recall which baby was which. The doctor was something of a scientist and believed that there was a parenting instinct which would allow them to identify the babies. He said they would let the couples go in, look at the babies, and take whichever one they identified as their own through this inherent, natural drive.

The English couple went first, returning almost immediately carrying the darkest skinned child. The nurse, recognizing this, approached the English couple to inform them;.

"Sir, no offence, but I believe that this child belongs to that Pakistani couple over there"

"Yeah, I know mate, but I heard that the other couple over there is Irish and I'm not taking any chances"

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If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby; what bird brings no baby?

a swallow

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

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The German Baby Joke

So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him.

Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid".

"Wolfgang," the couple say, "you have never spoken before, why do you speak now?"

And the boy says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory"

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One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry

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Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.

Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?

Me: They prefer to be called executioners.

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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7?

I still love vista, baby

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Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!

Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: F*ck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a b*tch.

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I smell maple syrup!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .









molasses."

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"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.

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I was delighted when my wife suggested we bring a third person into our relationship...

"Your friend Katie perhaps?" I mused. "I've always had a bit of a thing for her."

She replied, "No, you prick!! I meant a baby."

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A pregnant woman falls into a coma..

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: That's not too bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: Denephew

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

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A girl asks her mom where babies come from.

The Mom replies, When a man and a woman love each other very much, they have sex. Sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina, that's how you get a baby.

The daughter is confused and says, But the other day I went in your room and you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, honey.

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What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

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What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?

Eventually, the baby grows up and stops crying.

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A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..

His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"

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A dad was teaching his baby how to talk...

Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!


Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!

Baby: Fuck, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

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A women was in bed with her lover...

when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to." she said, "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Joneses bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to bed.

Around 2 in the morning, the husband got out of bed went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Joneses for 2 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

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What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?

Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

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A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...

Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

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A stork brings a baby to a couple...

...but a Swallow takes one away.

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There was a mother who had three daughters...

...one day the first daughter walks up and asks,

"Mommy, why am I named Rose?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."

She walks away. Then the second walks up and says,

"Mommy, why am I named Daisy?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."

She walks away. Then third walks up and says,

"DURRUGFLARGLERDAAARGGGH!!!"

"It's ok Cinderblock. I still love you."

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Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

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Have you ever tasted a baby wookie?

It's good, but still a little Chewie.

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If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.

I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.

I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow.

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What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

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White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...

He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....

"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"

"Mmm yes".

"See they are all white, but that one black one?"

"Mmm yes".

"Does that help you to understand?"

"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."

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A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

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A soon-to-be bride asks her fiancΓ©

"Honey what exactly is a penis?"
"That baby, you'll see the night after our wedding."
Then comes their wedding night and the new husband and wife go to their hotel room. The husband takes his pants off and proudly shows his organ to his wife.
"That honey, is what we call a penis."
To what the wife answers, "Oh I know, it's like a dick but much smaller."

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It's the first day of 3rd grade...

Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade.

As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana.

The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'

Next Samantha said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. Once again the teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'

Then the teacher asked Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the Shit.'

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My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature.

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A man had 3 daughters.

A man had 3 daughters.

The first daughter walks up to her dad and says "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"

"Because a rose petal fell on you when you were a baby." Replied the father. The first daughter smiles and skips off to play with her dolls.

The second daughter walks up to her dad and says "Daddy, why is my name Tulip?"
"Because a Tulip petal fell on you when you were a baby." Replied the father. The second daughter smiles and skips off to play with her dolls.

The third daughter walks up to her dad and says "Hhhhhnnngngngnggggddddddrrrrruhuuhuhhuhhuhdadgh!"

"...Go to your room cinderblock." Replied the father.

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A mother has two daughters and a son.

A mother has two daughters and a son. One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".

Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".

Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".

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Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

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I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

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WARNING: dark jokes ahead

My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old.
I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway


Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYY!!??". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"



A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it.

Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
A: They never get old.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.

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I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn't prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

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What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'

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What did baby corn say to momma corn?

where is popcorn?

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Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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What are the best Baby puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Baby? Well, here are the best jokes about Baby to have fun with.

Joko Jokes