Baby Jokes
181 baby jokes and hilarious baby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some fun baby jokes to tell at your baby shower, nursery, or toddler birthday party? Look no further! Here are some of the best and funniest one-liners about babies that are sure to make the parents-to-be giggle.
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Funniest Baby Short Jokes
Short baby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baby humour may include short birth jokes also.
- Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
- I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby - I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
- Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby. Who's the biggest in the family? The baby of course - because he's a little Bigger.
- A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, Suffocation, no breathing.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
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Baby One Liners
Which baby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baby? I can suggest the ones about daughter and boyfriend.
- Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
- Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.
- "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
- Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
- Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
- Jesus' life told by the bible 1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet - Why was the baby in africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
- What do you call babies with guns? Infantry
- Baby Shark Today's date.
- What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
- A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."
- What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?
- I've lost 7lbs this week. Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".
Baby Boy Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby boy jokes and even better baby boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised... ...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
- Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
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Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed. - A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes." - Two babys at the birth ward... ...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"
- Why do American hospitals circumcise baby boys? In the US, it's customary to leave a tip.
- My boss let me have a day off work because my wife was having a baby The next day he asked me if it was a boy or a girl, I said i'd tell him in about 9 months
- I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her 'special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently. Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!
- What would be a good backup name for a baby boy? Justin Case
- Shania Twain just had a baby boy She named him Choo Choo
Baby Born Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby born jokes and even better baby born puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My daughter was born this morning, July 4th. It's the day I lost my independence.
(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well). - I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
- I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead. Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
- Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!
- the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
- I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born. Like my name, address, phone number.
- When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.
- A chinese baby was born before due date His parents named him Earl Lee
- What is the difference between Biology & Sociology ? If a newly born baby looks like his father, it is Biology but if he looks like the neighbor that's Sociology.
- Is it safe to say that babies born in the year 2020 will be called.... ...doomers?
Baby Girl Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby girl jokes and even better baby girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.
- TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a... Baby shower.
- [nsfw] I knew a girl who had a miscarriage while taking a shower It was the worst baby shower ever
- My girl asked me what I thought about babies Apparently "depends on how they're cooked" was not any acceptable answer
- Best pickup line ever Girl are you a gorilla exhibit because I'm about to drop a baby in you?
- I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums." "Erm...what?" she asked.
I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me." - Hope y'all like! A guy walks up to a girl and says "Hey baby, I'm a pescatarian."
She says "that's the worst pickup line I've ever heard."
So he says "whatever, there's plenty of fish in the sea." - What do you call a Jewish baby who isn't circumcised? A girl.
- A girl and a csgo map Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.
- Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.
Baby Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby name jokes and even better baby name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left... - Mr and Mrs Lee unexpectedly had their baby early So they named him SUDDEN LEE
- Tip: Call your baby a normal name Me: Are you still mad your parents called you tip?
- My girlfriend asked me what my favourite baby name is. Apparently "Not Yet" isn't a suitable suggestion.
- What did the lawyer name his baby? Sue
- Baby sister told me this one attn Harry Potter fans Sister: "Harry's godfathers middle name should be 'Lee'"
Me:"wait, whose the godfather?"
Sister: "Sirius Black"
Took me a minute. - A Canadian and a Saudi Arabian had a baby... They named it Yasir Youbetcha
- "And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree." "I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?"
"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree." - I wanted to name our newborn after my father but my wife said Dad is a weird name for a baby.
- Normal people use their children's names to set their email passwords. Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.
Playful Baby Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about baby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean born jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baby pranks.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Have you ever tasted a baby wookie?
It's good, but still a little Chewie.
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...
...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...
she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
I'm sorry..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a mother who had three daughters...
...one day the first daughter walks up and asks,
"Mommy, why am I named Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then the second walks up and says,
"Mommy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then third walks up and says,
"DURRUGFLARGLERDAAARGGGH!!!"
"It's ok Cinderblock. I still love you."
My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...
Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
"I must go," said my friend.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill
Let's Imax and c**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*c**... you, say daddy!
Baby: F*c**... you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*c**... you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the population of Detroit never change?
Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their p**...?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day
...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a v**....
Repost.
Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase...
...so I could unzip your genes.
Why do baby boomers like fracking so much?
Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.
Quick question...
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
Trinity: "I really can't stay." Neo:
"Baby it's code outside."
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
Slept like a baby last night
Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
"Hand me downs"
Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You'll never be able to go back in time and kill h**... as a baby.
You'd be way too short and weak.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.
I said, "It's likely w**...-temperature."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A stork brings a baby to a couple...
...but a s**... takes one away.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.
Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners.
It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.
Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
Hey baby, call me Colgate
Because 9 out of 10 dentists recommend me in your mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
A baby is born
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy: [kissing g**... couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
Why was 1 year old African baby crying?
It was having a midlife crisis
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...
...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?
Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?
Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?
Dad: Shut up Cinderblock
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just made love to my girlfriend
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my c**..., tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased
I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own u**....
I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...
She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
What do you call a wet baby owl?
A moist owlette.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dark Humour is like anti-vax families
There's usually a dead baby.
My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.
Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?
Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
