Baby Jokes
181 baby jokes and hilarious baby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some fun baby jokes to tell at your baby shower, nursery, or toddler birthday party? Look no further! Here are some of the best and funniest one-liners about babies that are sure to make the parents-to-be giggle.
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Funniest Baby Short Jokes
Short baby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baby humour may include short birth jokes also.
- Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
- A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
- I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues: 1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby - I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
- Mr. Bigger and Mrs. Bigger have a baby. Who's the biggest in the family? The baby of course - because he's a little Bigger.
- A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, Suffocation, no breathing.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
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Baby One Liners
Which baby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baby? I can suggest the ones about daughter and boyfriend.
- Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
- Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.
- "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
- Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
- Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
- dark Humour is like anti-vax families There's usually a dead baby.
- Jesus' life told by the bible 1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet - Why was the baby in africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
- Babies are born with 4 kidneys. When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
- What do you call babies with guns? Infantry
- What do you call a group of babies? an Infantry
- Baby Shark Today's date.
- What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
Having A Baby Jokes
Here is a list of funny having a baby jokes and even better having a baby puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
- I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
- I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
- I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is." - Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
- I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.
- My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
- My daughter was born this morning, July 4th. It's the day I lost my independence.
(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well). - My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
- I'm really conflicted about abortion. I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.
Baby Making Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby making jokes and even better baby making puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white
- Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies? Swallows.
- Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left... - The doctor handed me a baby... The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!" - I can't stand abortions I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
- Why can't Asian couples have Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.
- As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby. But let me give it a shot.
- A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..." The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
- A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby ...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
- How do you make a baby cry? Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Drop it again.
Baby Boy Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby boy jokes and even better baby boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised... ...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
- Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
- I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby When I came back the boss asked So was it a boy or a girl?
I said I don't know, I'll tell you in 9 months -
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed. - A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes." - A logician's wife is having a baby... She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.
- Two babys at the birth ward... ...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"
- A logician's wife is having a baby The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father.
His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies: "yes" - Why do American hospitals circumcise baby boys? In the US, it's customary to leave a tip.
- A programmer's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".
Baby Born Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby born jokes and even better baby born puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because he wasn't born yesterday
- Why does the population of Detroit never change? Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.
- I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
- I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead. Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
- My mum loses it when I tickle my baby brother's feet It's something about waiting until he is born or whatever..
- Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!
- the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
- I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born. Like my name, address, phone number.
- A Chinese baby was born way too early.. So, his parents named him Sudden Lee.
- When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.
Playful Baby Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about baby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean boys jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baby pranks.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7?
I still love vista, baby
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...
...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby.
I just haven't decided which one yet.
A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...
She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".
The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's s**.... I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"
A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby?
At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
What did baby corn say to mommy corn?
Where's popcorn?
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.
We need to stop this woman.
Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill
Let's Imax and c**...
Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*c**... you, say daddy!
Baby: F*c**... you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*c**... you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*t**....
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...
"My mom is gonna kill me."
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant
Apparently it just changes the color of the baby
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their p**...?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..
His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"
Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?
Because I want to drop a baby in you.
Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
I smell maple syrup!
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .
molasses."
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
I like my women like I like my microwaves...
Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a v**....
Repost.
Why do baby boomers like fracking so much?
Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.
I stole a stripper's kid.
It was like taking baby from a Candi.
Quick question...
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
"Hand me downs"
Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?
Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em
You'll never be able to go back in time and kill h**... as a baby.
You'd be way too short and weak.
My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.
I said, "It's likely w**...-temperature."
Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.
Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners.
My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
I've lost 7lbs this week.
Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".
What do you call a fat baby?
Heavy infantry
Boy: [kissing g**... couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...
...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?
Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?
Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?
Dad: Shut up Cinderblock
I just made love to my girlfriend
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my c**..., tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased
I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own u**....
My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.
Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.
Me: *\*handing baby back to him\** bring me the one my wife made.
