baby Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious baby puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

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My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

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Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

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A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

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I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

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"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

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My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

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Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

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Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There's usually a dead baby.

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An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

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Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

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The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

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I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

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Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

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I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

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My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

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why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

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I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

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My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

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A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

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A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

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I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

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Are You a Gorilla Exhibit?

Because I want to drop a baby in you.

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The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

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Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

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What are the most funny Baby jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Baby? Well, here are the best Baby dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Baby pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes