Baby Born Jokes
97 baby born jokes and hilarious baby born puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baby born that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Baby Born Short Jokes
Short baby born jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baby born humour may include short newborn baby jokes also.
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- My daughter was born this morning, July 4th. It's the day I lost my independence.
(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well). - I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
- I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead. Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
- the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
- I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born. Like my name, address, phone number.
- When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.
- What is the difference between Biology & Sociology ? If a newly born baby looks like his father, it is Biology but if he looks like the neighbor that's Sociology.
- A joke about abortion. Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday. - My friend tried to make it to the hospital before his baby was born. But he was dad on arrival.
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Baby Born One Liners
Which baby born one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baby born? I can suggest the ones about newborn and unborn baby.
- Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!
- A chinese baby was born before due date His parents named him Earl Lee
- Is it safe to say that babies born in the year 2020 will be called.... ...doomers?
- What do you call the generation born during the coronavirus? Baby Zoomers
- Even a still-born baby has it better than me. It's no longer dead on the inside.
- Did you hear about the mother who gave birth in an airplane? The baby was air-born.
- "Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies."
- What is the day when most Babies are born? Well, I was always told it's Labor Day.
- My prediction for December 21, 2012 Many babies will be born on September 21, 2013
- TIL that any baby born under water can spend the rest of his underwater.
- I know a Korean couple whose baby was born early, They named him Sudden Lee.
- What do you call a baby born with no arms and no legs? Stillborn.
- Why do babies cry when they're born? Because it's the most painful day in their lives
- What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday? Diego
- More babies are born in September More people get f*cking gifts for Christmas
Baby Born Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about baby born you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean infant baby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baby born pranks.
Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s**...?
A: Wait until it's born.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If it took a baby that long to exit the w**..., as it is taking the UK to exit the EU...
Baby's head would be so large that scientists would come to its house and do experiments on it. The head would be primarily bone, almost 99%, and weigh upwards of 85 pounds. It would be a 16 pound baby, carried by its mom to full term plus eight months, born at 17 months, with full head of hair, and a full head of teeth.
A baby boy is born
The dad is holding him in his arms right after birth
"Oh, he has no legs, but it's ok, he's still my son!"
"Oh no he has no arms either.. but it's ok, he's still my son!"
"Oh no he has no torso, but he's still my son!"
"Oh, no head..my son is just an ear, but still my son, and I love him."
The doctor turns around and tells the dad:
"Speak up, he's deaf!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Comment found on an FB
pic of a new born baby
"Hey kid, Spoiler Alert: Life s**...."
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
A Canadian in New York
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
A Native American boy goes up to his father and asks him how they are given their names...
"Father, how are our names chosen?"
"Well, when a baby is born, the father walks out of the tent, and the first thing he sees, he names his new son.
If he sees a bird flying, he names 'flying bird'. A deer jumping? 'Jumping Deer'.
So tell me, young Sheep-a-Shittin', why do you ask?"
A child and Human Origin
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At least he won't annoy his co-workers every week.
What did the mother and father camel name their baby born without a h**...?
Humphrey!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do doctors s**... babies when they are first born?
The p**... fall off the dumb ones.
My father was born in '53. He recently became a janitor...
I guess you could say he's a baby *broomer.*
I don't know why people get so upset about failed pregnancies...
I mean, the baby is still born. (sorry)
Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.
One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits a village
A man visits a village and approaches the town clerk "Have any great men been born in your joke of a town?"
And the clerk responded "well no you foolish man. Only babies have been born in my town."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the population of Detroit never change?
Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father with three daughters
is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"
First baby born with DNA from 3 people
This week the world's first baby was born with DNA from three different people using a new controversial technique developed by US scientists. The baby will be featured in the upcoming episode of Maury and spoiler alert, they're both the father.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A baby boy born without eyelids...
Recently at a baby boy was born prematurely without eyelids. The doctors decided to take him off to surgery and circumcise him and use the skin removed to make new eyelids.
The surgery went great except he came out a little cocked eyed...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more s**... until the baby is born
I asked, "What did your dentist say?"
Three men are arguing 'when does life begin'
The first man goes, "At the time of conception."
The second man argues, "No, it is when the baby is born."
The the man tells them all, "No, no, no, no -- You have it all wrong. Life begins when the wife takes the children and they all leave for vacation."
A baby is born
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The rate of babies born with h**... addiction has skyrocketed
to a number almost as high as those babies.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:
"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are babies born after nine months?
Because they run out of w**...!
I was born in 1988, so you might think I'm a millennial
But please don't assume my generation. I actually identify as a baby boomer.
A married couple goes to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
The doctor comes in and tells her, "I've got good news and bad news" Worried, the woman asks for the bad news first. He says, "I'm sorry but your baby was born a ginger." The woman responds,"That is bad news, but I suppose I can get used to it. What's the good news?"
"It's dead!"
Wife: "Get me a coat hanger, I don't want the baby anymore."
Hubby: "Are you crazy? It's too late for that! May I remind you our child has already been born?"
Wife: "It's not too late to let it play with the wall socket."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a p**... baby born addicted to h**...?
A freeloader that got the hook
I was born with performance anxiety and fear of failure.
All babies come out crying. I came out like, Am I doing this right?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is my name daisy..
A baby cow asks her mother why is my name daisy? The mother says Because when you were born a daisy landed on your head. Another baby cow asks why is my name rose? The mother than says again, because when you were born a rose fell on your head. Than you hear DURDUHUEIJWJAI. ..mother cow- shut up brick
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
A child asked his father:
"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.
Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".
What in this world is born with four legs, then two, then three?
Humans. You crawl as a baby, walk as an adult, and walk with a cane as an elder.
Ernie's baby
My friend Ernest III had his first born, a little boy. But it was born out of wedlock, so he named it "insincere".
A Baby is born!!
Doctor yells out in excitement " It's a Boy!"
Baby replies (cause babies can talk)
" How dare you assume my gender!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... couple, both bona fide r**..., had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Did you hear about the baby born with a broken arm?
He was trying to hang on until after the wedding.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A baby cow walks up to a mom cow and says
"Mommy,why is my name rose",the mom says "because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head".a 2nd cow asks "why is my name lily?" the mom says "because a Lilly fell on your head when you were born".a third cow comes over and says "dur glu fo dur.".the mom then says "shut up cinder block!"
The night my daughter was born my wife told me to change the baby
I said "we just got her, don't you want to at least give her a chance to impress us first?"
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two robots had s**... due to a bug in their programming and soon thereafter a baby robot was born.
He was a son of a glitch.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Our small town made national news when a baby was born here that was part animal.
It had a deer face and a bear a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".
Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."
As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?
Little Johnny goes to his dad with his girlfriend
"How was I born daddy?", Asks Johnny.
"An Angel came and delivered you to us while we were on vacations", hid dad replied.
"And my sister?", Johnny goes on
"Angel gave her to us in the bedroom", his dad replied again.
Johnny turns to his girlfriend and says, "See.. Nothing happens, babies aren't born that way! Let's do it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not This Time
A man is blessed with four beautiful daughters but he always wanted a son. So he and his wife get to work and they try and try and finally are able to conceive a son. When the son is born, it's one ugly baby. The husband is visibly upset and suspects his wife cheated on him and decides to confront her. "We have 4 beautiful daughters and now look at our son. He is as ugly as can be. I want you to tell me the truth, did you cheat on me." His wife looks at him and says, "No my dear, not this time!"
To sum up healthcare in America
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.
A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor
Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.
-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see anything in here! says the doctor.
To which the farmer says:
-No doctor I'm outta here, I think the lantern attracts them!
*Enjoy a poorly translated Romanian joke
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Speaking of foreskins.....
A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids. This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Due to the lack of suitable donors for the skin the doctor used the boy's f**..., post circumcision. I saw him the other day and other than looking a little c**...-eyed he seemed okay.