Baby Birth Jokes
120 baby birth jokes and hilarious baby birth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about baby birth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Baby Birth Short Jokes
Short baby birth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The baby birth humour may include short childbirth jokes also.
- It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
- A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby ...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
- Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
- I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
- A logician's wife is having a baby... She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.
- Two babys at the birth ward... ...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"
- Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
- A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck. The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."
- The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice. I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
... - My wife gave birth the other day. Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.
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Baby Birth One Liners
Which baby birth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with baby birth? I can suggest the ones about baby delivery and baby born.
- Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. We need to stop this woman.
- My computer gave birth today Now I need to buy a baby monitor
- What method is used to give birth to baby pirate? Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh
- Did you hear about the mother who gave birth in an airplane? The baby was air-born.
- What did the mother give to her clinically obese newborn baby? A wide birth
- Vegas Baby If a woman gives birth to a child in Vegas, does the child stay there?
- My wife called and said she gave birth to a baby goat. Come on, she was kidding.
- Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
- If an actress gives birth to Harvey Weinsteins Baby... would it be a #metoo-product?
- I had just given birth to my baby and it started crying.
- A Man Gave Birth to a Baby Boy Today, The baby came out head first.
- Kim Jong Un has given birth to a baby boy... His name is Kim Jong Dos
- How do you explain a man birthing a baby? Taco bell for lunch
- I realized why home births are so convenient. The baby was always in the living w**....
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Baby Birth Jokes
What funny jokes about baby birth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean giving birth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make baby birth pranks.
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident."
"Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident."
"Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
Yo mama so ugly that when she delivered a little baby after birth the baby saw mum and screamed "It's a gorilla!".
Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby.
Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.
A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go d**...!"
After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
A baby boy is born
The dad is holding him in his arms right after birth
"Oh, he has no legs, but it's ok, he's still my son!"
"Oh no he has no arms either.. but it's ok, he's still my son!"
"Oh no he has no torso, but he's still my son!"
"Oh, no head..my son is just an ear, but still my son, and I love him."
The doctor turns around and tells the dad:
"Speak up, he's deaf!"
Birth of Jesus
Mary: the King of Kings!
Wise men: the Lord and Saviour!
Joseph: who's white baby is this?
Dead Baby Jokes?
A mother who has just given birth waits expectantly for the nurse to return so she can hold her baby. A few minutes pass, and the nurse enters with the baby in her hands. The nurse then drops the baby on the ground, stomps on it's head and kicks it out of the window. The mother starts screaming 'My baby, my baby!!'
The nurse looks at the lady and says 'April Fools! He was already dead!'
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy...
5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had s**... with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
maternity ward
A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
Birth
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their d**...?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
A Canadian in New York
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
A chinese couple moves to Africa
and the woman soon becomes pregnant. 9 months later, the woman gives birth to a half African and half Chinese baby. The man names the baby Sum Ting Wong.
Pronounced 'Dead' on arrival ... oops!
The soon to be new parents known as Mr. & Mrs. D. were so excited, as they were just about to give birth to their brand new daughter, whom they'd already decided to name Dea D..
Just a few minutes later, a healthy baby girl popped out but was unfortunately pronounced 'Dead' on arrival by the attending nurse who apparently had significant issues with letter spacing on medical charts.
The three fathers
A jew, a turkish and a german guy are all waiting in the hospital, while their wifes are giving birth to their sons.
Through a mistake in the hospital, the three babies get confused and none of them knows which one is his.
The german guy says: "No problem dudes, I got this" and walks into the room with the babies.
Three minutes later, every father is holding his son in hands. The other two ask: "How did you do that!?"
"Easy", said the german, "I came in and yelled 'Heil h**...!'. My son raised his arm, the jew s**... himself and the turk cleaned it up."
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
What?
I took my neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Wong to the Hospital for the imminent birth of their new Baby. When the Baby was born, it was Caucasian. What's wrong with that, you might ask? Two Wongs don't make a White.
(groans expected......and justified)
A woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble.
Out of habit, the parents looked over the newborn baby, then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon
Two babies are discussing their births at a nursery
One turned to the other and said "Mine was a total mess. How was yours?" "Ah," the other baby said, "At first it was really difficult but I managed to pull through."
What ever happened to dead baby jokes?
They all seem to have died off soon after their birth.
A Chinese couple recently gave birth to a 7lb, 6oz baby girl, who suffers from albinism
Just goes to show that sometimes, two Wongs CAN make a white.
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.
She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".
Somewhere in this world, a woman is giving birth to a baby every 3 seconds.
We have to find this woman and stop her.
I don't see why women complain about giving birth.
Clearly, men have the hardest part in making a baby.
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
There were some complications with the birth of Micheal Phelps' baby...
Every time they brought him out he'd do a flip-turn and go back in.
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
BLOND FATHER
A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.
The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
Blonde father
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, All right, who's the other father?
In recent news, a woman flying with Turkish Airlines gave birth to a baby girl midflight.
In keeping with the times, the baby girl was promptly dragged off the plane by security.
They should name April the Giraffe's baby "United"...
...you know, for dragging the birth out.
A woman waited to find out the s**... of her baby...
After giving birth in a birthing pool, the baby floated to the surface with no arms or legs.
It's a buoy!
Three men, a Republican, a Brit and a Jamaican
all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however, unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Brit wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Jamaican looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Brit, "but one of them in there's a Republican, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
A blonde gives the final push while giving birth in a hospital.
The doctor tells her the gender and is about to lay the baby in her arms. The blonde says, Can you please do a DNA test before I get too attached? My boyfriend's been cheating and I want to make sure it's mine.
Women.
Women will always say, the most excruciating pain in Life is Child Birth, I think different, I say the most excruciating pain in life is a kick in the b**..., after a couple of Years A Woman will say, shall we have another Baby, do Men look up and say can I have another kick in the b**...??..
Blonde childbirth
It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!
My Wife and the worst pain.
My Wife said to me yesterday, I think the worst pain in the world is child birth, I said no, the worst pain in the world is a kick in the b**..., she said how do you work that out? I replied, well after a couple of years, you will say, can we have another Baby? I do not look up and say can I have another kick in the b**.....
A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...
The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."
After my wife gave birth, I asked the delivering doctor when we'd be able to have s**...
He replied that I should wait until the baby was at least 7.
I knew a girl who always confused her birth control and anti-depressants
She had the sweetest little baby.
What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?
A mid-wife crisis
Finally figured out why babies shiver in the moments after birth
It's all about being acclimated to the w**... temperature.
A Chinese couple have a baby.
After the birth, the nurse brings the baby around so that the proud mom and dad can see it for the first time. When the nurse passes the baby to the mother, the parents notice that the baby is Caucasian. "Not our baby!" the father protests. The nurse says, "Of course this is your baby, your wife just gave birth." The father says, "No not our baby. Two Wongs don't make a white."
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
Woman: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your baby is a red head.
Woman: Oh no! Well what's the good news?
Doctor: He's dead
When you're mother gave birth
I heard that when your mother was giving birth, she accidentaly s**... all over the floor...
You seem to be fine, but how's the baby?
Did you hear about the woman who went into labor at the docks and had a 15lb baby?
It was a wide birth.
An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.
The nurse comes out of the opperating room as say "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly takes off his hat and says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"
A woman on a flight gave birth to a baby.
As soon as the baby was born, the baby said, "I had more leg room in the w**...."
Did you hear about the pregnant redhead with a yeast infection?
She just gave birth to a healthy baby gingerbread man.
Offensive warning
An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man are waiting at a hospital as their wives had just given birth. A midwife comes in and explains that the name tags have been messed up and they will have to work out which baby belongs to who. The English man, by right, goes first and chooses what is clearly the Pakistani child. When the baby's father points this out to him, he says I know, but there's a Welsh kid in there and I'm not taking any chances
A woman who is a month pregnant falls into a deep coma. Three months after giving birth, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?
Woman: Of course, the good news.
Doctor: You had twins, both girls, and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them.
Woman: Oh, that drummer... What did he name the girls?
Doctor: Anna 1, Anna 2
My mom had trouble giving birth to me because I was an overweight baby
That's right, I was a stuck-up-c**....
Did you hear the one about the Jewish baby?
Well.. he wasn't ACTUALLY Jewish, but at birth, he was accidentally sewn together at the hip with his mother.
My wife always wanted a son with a foreign sounding name.
So, after she
gave birth she decided on Mark but
with a C.
I just went now to register his name!
l am so excited on my way home to see
little baby Cark!
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn't laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I've persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she's in labor with our fourth and I've finally got her laughing...
...I think I've really improved the delivery!
(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)
