Baby Bears Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

A 96 year old man...

After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."

"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."

"My point exactly," the doctor replied.

A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...

Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.

13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.

Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."

Puppet Theater

It's almost winter, and a family of bears is getting ready to hibernate in their den. The father and mother bears are almost ready for bed, but the baby bear just won't fall asleep.

**Baby Bear**: Daddy! Daddy! Do the puppet theater!
**Father Bear**: No, it's past your bedtime. Go to sleep. Besides, you've seen it a million times already.
**Baby Bear**: Please daddy, just one more time and I'll go right to sleep. I promise.

Father bear sighs and reaches up on a shelf, where two skulls are sitting. He puts them on his paws and moves the jaws so it looks like they're talking:
- "Dude, do you think there's any bears here?"
- "What are you? Retarded? Why would there be any fucking bea-"

Goldilocks and the Three Bears (American Football Fans Will Understand)

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce after the fiasco with Goldilocks, but they must decide custody of baby bear.
The judge takes baby bear aside, and asks politely, "Would you like to live with Papa Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear answers, "Papa Bear beats me!"
"Oh no." the judge replies. "Then you can live with Mama Bear."
"No!" Baby Bear exclaims. "She beats me too!"
"Oh dear." Says the judge. "Well then, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears because they never beat anyone!"*

*This isn't true as the Bears are the best team ever.

There's 3 bears..

Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear.
The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide:
"do you want to go with your momma baby?"
Baby replies : " no because she beats me!"
Judge: " How about with your papa?"
Baby:" No he beats me too!"
Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?"
Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears"
Judge:" why the Chicago bears?"
Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!"

I'm from Chicago, a homeless guy told me this one on my way home from work because I have a bears patch on my bag. Found it funny but it hurt!

Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.

Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?

Baby Bear: No, she beats me.

Judge: Ok how about your Papa?

Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...

Judge: Then who do you want to live with?

Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!

Here's one for the mothers out there: the three bears retold

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....



Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.





Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.



Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F****NG PORRIDGE YET'

Instincts

One day there was a papa bear, a mama bear and a baby bear walking down a forest path. They were happily following the path home until they came to a fork in the road. They were not sure which way to take.

The papa bear chimed in and said "My instincts tell me that we ought to follow the left path!"

The mama bear replied to this "My instincts tell me that the right path is the correct way to go".

The baby bear, listening to both his mama's and his papa's input, replied "My end stinks too, but it's not telling me anything."

The kid and the bussdriver

So a kid gets on the bus in downtown San Francisco, he takes the seat closest to the driver. He then proceeds to talk loudly out in to the air saying: If my mother was a mummy bear and my daddy was a daddy bear i would be a baby bear. The bussdriver looks at him and thinks "mmkay...?". The kid keeps going thru more and more animals. If my mummy was a mummy dolphin and my daddy was a daddy dolphin i would be a baby dolphin. At this point the bussdriver is starting to get pretty mad. But he keeps silent, thinking the kid is a total nutjob. And the kid just keeps on going. After a couple more minutes, the driver can't take it anymore. He slams the brakes, turns around looking directly at the kid and yells "Well you little shit what if your mummy was an idiot and your daddy was a complete fucking moron, what would you be?! The kid looks the driver in the eye and without so much as a blink he says "Probably a bus driver"

A Native American walks up to the Chief of the reservation and asks him...

"Chief, why do you name the babys of the tribe what you do?"
The Chief replied "Ah, yes. Well before every birth I go deep into the forest and wait for the Gods to give me a sign on what to name it. For example, if I see a soaring eagle fly by, then I name the infant Soaring Eagle, if I see a bear I name him Great Bear... But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Cheesy Jokes

What sort of cheese would you use to entice a bear from a cave?

Camembert



What sort of cheese can hide a small horse?

Mascarpone



Why did the cheese get beat up by the stone?

Because the Roquefort back



Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus?

Because he couldn't get his stilton



What did the mexican say to the cheese thief?

That's nacho cheese!



What is a cannibal's favourite cheese?

Limburger



What kind of cheese do you find in Psychiatric Institutions?

Emmental



I bought a load of smelly cheese for a dinner party the other day. It didn't go down to well, there's stiltons left...



What is a paedophile's favourite cheese?

Baby Bell.



What does a vain cheese say when it looks at itself in the mirror

Halloumi!



I was in the supermarket yesterday and someone threw cheddar at the back of my head, I said "wow, thats mature"

Then someone covered me with milk,
I thought how dairy?



These are just a couple of cheese jokes I can remember, they aren't very good, I have some Feta.

Why can't Smokey The Bear and his wife have babies?

Because every time she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.

A baby polar bear walks up to his dad and asks

"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"I don't know...go ask your mother." Dad says says brushing him off.

"Mom, am I 100% polar bear?" The little bear asked his mother.

"Well, your dad is a polar bear. I'm a polar bear. All your grandparents are polar bears. So yeah... you're 100%. Why do you ask?" Says Mom.

"Because I'm fucking freezing!".

A guy calls his girlfriend on the phone..

- Boyfriend: Sweetie, do you know how much I love you?
- Girlfriend: How much baby?
- Boyfriend: I would go thru fire, swim in the ocean full of sharks, climb all the mountains, survive in the desert like Bear Grylls, fight with bears and lions, even fight with Chuck Norris and all of the expendables cast if I have to, just to see your beautiful smile..
- Girlfriend: Aawww, you're so sweet! Why don't you come over?
- Boyfriend: How about tomorrow baby, it's starting to rain..

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"



And then the train hit them.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear?

It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal.

Am I a real polar bear?

A baby polar bear says to his mum, "Mum, am I a real polar bear?" and his mother smiles at him and answers, "Why yes sweetheart, of course you're a real polar bear. Your father is a real polar bear, his father before him, and as far back as I can remember, we are all real polar bears, through and through. Why ever do you ask, honey?" To which her son replies, "Because I'm fucking freezing."

What do you call a baby cub before it starts teething?

A gummy bear

Once Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear had upset stomachs.

They went to the doctor who gave Papa Bear a big dose, Mama Bear a medium dose, and Baby Bear a little dose, and asked them to come again the next day.



The next day, the doctor asked them about the condition of their stomach.



Papa Bear said, "Me very thankful, me did a tankful."

Mama Bear said, "Me very grateful, me did a plateful."

Baby Bear said, "Me broken hearted, me only farted."

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

Because he was barefooted!!!

A little Native American boy...

...went to his father to ask how little Native American babies get their name.

"Son, when your oldest brother was born we looked out the teepee and we saw two fighting bears, so we named him Fighting Bear"

"When your other brother was born we looked out and saw a running deer, so we named him Running Deer"

"Why do you ask Pooping Dog?"

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.

What was the bear's favourite pick-up line?

Hey baby, what's ursine?

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.


The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby.


Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

What are the funniest baby bears jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Baby Bears? Well, here are the best Baby Bears puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Baby Bears pick up lines to share with friends.

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