Babies Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

What do you call a group of babies?

an Infantry

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white

What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies, what type of bird brings no babies?

A swallow

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

Why can't Asian couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?

The Swallow.

If a white bird makes white babies and a black bird makes black babies, what bird makes no babies?

A swallow

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".

Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 86% water...

...I can walk on babies.

Therefore I am...

...In prison.

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

I'm undecided about abortion

on one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice. Do we really want that?

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Definitely not 9, my basement is still dark

A young blonde comes home from school

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

What kind of bird does not make babies?

A swallow

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm...

In prison.

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

A: Because 36 would be too many.

what sex position produces the ugliest babies?

ask your mother

If a stork makes white babies, and a crow makes black babies, what makes no babies?

A Swallow

A child and Human Origin

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"


So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."


The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."


The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"


His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.

On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, Mom's probably going to kill me

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies?

Swallows.

Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything

What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers?

Infantry.

What sex position makes ugly babies?

Ask your parents

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."

what sexual position produces the ugliest babies??

ASK YOUR MOTHER, SHE'LL TELL YA

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them.

Hey girl, are you Harambes enclosure?

Because i want to drop babies in you.

A man visits a village

A man visits a village and approaches the town clerk "Have any great men been born in your joke of a town?"


And the clerk responded "well no you foolish man. Only babies have been born in my town."

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

[Safe For Work] A child asked his father, How were people born?

So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.
The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me!
His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

A dark sense of humor is like a hospital.

Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

The McDonalds

When I was 8 I brought in my tomogatchi (**ignore spelling**) to a McDonald's. my family sat down to eat and I saw this girl with a tomogatchi too. She stares at me then goes into the bathroom. I wait a minute then follow her in. She was waiting for me. We linked our games and had tomogatchi babies together.

Still to this day, the most sexual thing I have ever done.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."

The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.

The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"

"No" says the Englishman, "but there's no way I'm going home with a french one!"

What are the funniest babies jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Babies? Well, here are the best Babies puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Babies pick up lines to share with friends.

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