Babies Cry Jokes
119 babies cry jokes and hilarious babies cry puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about babies cry that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Babies Cry Short Jokes
Short babies cry jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The babies cry humour may include short crying baby jokes also.
- Quick question... How much of this "No More tear" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
- Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
- TIL babies cry in accent I also learned that going around making foreign babies cry is apparently looked down upon
- What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
- Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath
- Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…
- At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby. They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
- I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn't think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
- What's the difference between a mattress and a highway? A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.
- Parents: our baby won't stop crying! Doctor: how old is he?
Parents:one
Doctor:is he vaccinated?
Parents:no, why?
Doctor:I'm afraid he's having a midlife crisis...
Share These Babies Cry Jokes With Friends
Babies Cry One Liners
Which babies cry one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with babies cry? I can suggest the ones about babies making and crying.
- Why was the baby in africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
- why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
- Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
- Why was 1 year old African baby crying? It was having a midlife crisis
- Why does an ethiopian baby cry? It's having a mid life crisis
(Sorry If it's too dark) - How do you make a baby cry? Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Drop it again. - I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.
- Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying
- Why was the baby strawberry crying? Her mom was in a jam
- I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying
- Why do Nigerian babies cry? Midlife crisis
- Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot?
A: A baby with a razor! - Pregnant The best part about being pregnant is...you can't hear your baby cry.
- I tried reverse psychology on my child I told the baby don't cry
It worked - why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (updated) "Cuz he just got dunked on!"
Hilarious Babies Cry Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about babies cry you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sleeping baby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make babies cry pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were three women. a brown headed a brunette and a blonde. they were talking then they started talking about s**.... The brown headed one said i'm gonna have 3 baby's. The brunette said she was gonna have twins. And the blonde started crying and the other two women asked her what was wrong. And the blonde said she was gonna have baby dogs because she had s**... d**...!
A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”
Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it.
Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender.
"Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*c**... than he did. Then I showed him."
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he s**... on a pacifier and made it cry.
A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.
The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.
The frightened investor was amazed!
"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying.
Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.
I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot
A 9 month pregnant woman with triplets is waiting in line at the bank when robbers run in and start firing shots. The woman gets shot in the belly 3 times and is taken to the hospital. After the surgery the nurse tells the woman that she will be fine and that her babies are fine too, however, this is an unusual situation where the bullets are in each of her babies and after some years the bullets will come out.
Ten years later, one of her daughters comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," replied the daughter. The woman remembers what the nurse had told her years ago so she tells her daughter, "Its okay Christy. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her second daughter comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," she says. The woman again calms down her daugher, "Its okay Jenny. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her son comes crying to her. She asks, "what is it Johnny? Did you pee and a bullet came out?" Johnny says, "no. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
One day a mother skunk
Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.
"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"
Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.
"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.
He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.
"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.
"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.
The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.
Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.
Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.
"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."
So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[
So this woman had a baby boy...
...but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.
The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out."
"This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"
Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son.
"Son, I am not your father..."
"I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"
"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."
So there's a family of rabbits on the side of the road...
Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Rabbit.
They're hopping across and BAM, a truck runs over Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.
Back on the other side, there's a family of skunks. Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Skunk.
They go waddling across the road and BAM, a truck runs offer Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.
So Baby Rabbit and Baby Skunk are sitting there on the side of the road.
The rabbit starts crying. The skunk asks him what's wrong, and the rabbit says "Well, my parents are dead and I'm all alone. I don't know where I'm going, I don't remember where I'm from, I don't even know what I am!"
The skunk looks him over and says "Well, let's see, you've got floppy ears and a cotton tail and hop when you walk, you must be a rabbit!"
The rabbit feels his ears, looks at his tail, takes a hop, and says "You're right, I'm a rabbit. I feel better!"
So they sit there a little longer, but the the skunk starts crying. The rabbit asks him what's wrong, and he says, "Well, my parents are dead too! I'm all alone, I don't know where I'm going, I don't remember where I'm from, I don't even know what I am, either!"
The rabbit looks him over and says, "Well...
You're not white and you're not black, and you smell kinda bad,
You must be a Mexican!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
Can you give me a push?
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.
My Girlfriend's Hair
My girlfriend came home last night, crying, inconsolable. She had just gone to the hair salon and they cut her hair WAY too short, like, four inches too short. I said baby, what are you worried about? It'll grow back eventually. I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.
The most offensive jokes thread?
I'll start
What is the difference between chopping up a baby and an onion?
- chopping up an onion makes you cry.
Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...
...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once knew a girl so s**... ...
... she had her eustachian tubes tied and now she can't hear her baby crying.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?
Eventually the baby stops crying
Honey, give me the baby.
-Wait until he cries
-Until he cries..? Why..?
-Because I can't find him...
smart husband
Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!
Guys, do you know the difference between a bridge and a baby?
A fridge does not cry when you put your sausage in it.
Finally had a baby
A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine. Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries." They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again. Again she said, "You can't see it till it cries." Now they were really confused, but they stayed a bit longer. As they were preparing to leave, they asked one last time, and again the answer was, "You can't see it till it cries." "Well, why is that?" "Because I don't remember where I put it down."
I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face...
...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
A man is taking his son for a walk...
A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.
He says "Calm down, Carl."
The baby continues to cry and make a scene.
"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.
After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.
"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."
"No, I'm Carl."
A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.
A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'
'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.
'Good grief,' he thought.
He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess.
As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'
Why do babies cry when they're born?
Because it's the most painful day in their lives
What's common between a crying baby and a gun?
You must not bring either to the movies.
A woman pregnant with triplets is shot three times...
by a mugger in the stomach while she's walking home one night. The doctors save her and the babies but tell her that eventually the kids will have to have the bullets removed.
Well, they're born healthy, three strapping sons, and they grow normally and she forgets all about the bullets until one day one comes down, crying his eyes out. She asks him what's wrong and he says, "I was peeing and I peed out a bullet." She tells him the story and, satisfied, he goes on his way. Then another son comes down crying his eyes out. She asks him what's wrong and he also says, "I was peeing and I peed out a bullet." She tells him the story too and, satisfied, he goes on his way.
Then the third son comes down, crying his eyes out, and she says, "Let me guess, you were peeing and you peed out a bullet?" He shakes his head and replies, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog."
What happens when you shake a baby?
It stops crying...
How is a baby like an onion?
If you cut it into little pieces, it might make you cry.
What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?
A dead baby.
Three Pregnant Ladies
Three Pregnant Ladies are discussing their unborn babies.
The Brunette says "I am having a girl because I was on the bottom when my partner and I conceived"
The Redhead says "I am having a boy as I was on top with my partner"
The Blonde starts crying and the other two ask what is wrong "I am going to be having ten puppies!"
My Wife Handed Me A Crying Baby and Asked Me To Change Him.
So I drove to the Hospital and asked for a replacement.
A senior citizen gives birth
Modern medicine has allowed women to give birth at an even older age than than they had been able to do so before.
Using this new in vitro technology, a 65 year old has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says not yet.
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says not yet.
Finally they say, When can we see the baby?
And the mother says, When the baby cries.
And they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?
The new mother says, because I forgot where I put it.
My girlfriend was nervous about meeting my parents.
I told her that was normal. The first time I met them, I cried like a baby.
Baby Kangaroo and Laptop!
A baby Kangaroo was crying. Some kangaroo asked about its MOM.
Baby Kangaroo said mom is carrying a Laptop in her bag where I was staying.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does a Somalian baby cry?
It's having a mid life crisis.
I apologize for nothing.
How to get a baby to stop crying
How do you get a baby to cry?
Drop it
How do you get it to stop crying?
Drop it again
I didn't have a mid-life crisis but did have a beginning-of-life crisis...
... I cried like a baby for nearly a whole year!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"
Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"
Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"
Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"
*a baby cries in the corner*
Dad: Shut up Brick!
So a doctor is delivering a baby
He walks out of the delivery room, said to a worried looking man:
" we tried our best, your wife survived, but your children...."
After hearing the news the man started to cry, then the doctor said:
"today is April's fool's day! And I'm just kidding with you"
The man's face brightening the doctor continued:
"Your wife is dead too"
A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....
The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."
I cried like a baby when I got fried in job!
Sorry fired.
A mother and a baby is in a train
The mother is breastfeeding the baby, but he suddenly stop and cries.
In an attempt to calm her baby, she said "shhh, be quiet, do you want me to give this milk to the uncle over there?" while showing the baby a man that sits in front of them.
The baby then stop crying and go back to drink the milk.
Then, it happens again and the mother said the same thing to calm the baby. This happens about four times before the man in front of them finally speak:
"Ma'am, would you or would you not give me the milk? the train has passed my stop a few hours ago"
I had just given birth to my baby and it started crying.
Blonde childbirth
It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!
An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.
The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"
I was born with performance anxiety and fear of failure.
All babies come out crying. I came out like, Am I doing this right?
Little Johnny and His Baby Sister
Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.
Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.
"From Heaven," replied his mom.
"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blond, brunette and redhead are sitting in the gynaes rooms
So the blond asks the redhead. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl.
To which the redhead replied. Yes it's a boy.
Confused, the blond asked why. Because when we conceived we were doing it m**... style .
So, she asked the brunette. Do you know what baby you are expecting ? She replied yes it's a girl because when we conceived I was on top
To which the blond immediately started crying and saying
My God, I am getting puppies
Why was the Anti-vaxxer's baby crying?
Because he wasn't going to live long enough to see this joke reposted again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.
"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....
How do you stop a baby crying?
Put it in the blender
My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with baby monitors...
For crying out loud!
Tonight I'm going to sleep like a baby!!!
Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.
What's purple and makes every woman cry?
A miscarried baby.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do I doIf stop the baby won't stop crying?
Use more l**....
When a normal baby is born, it cries, "Wah! Wah!"
When a French baby is born, it cries, "Oui! Oui!"