axe Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious axe puns

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit


Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."


I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.


A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"


Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."


What did one deodorant say to the other?

I can't understand you, your axe scent is too strong.


Then why did he ask?

A little boy is in the showering with his mother when he looks up and says "Mommy... what's that?"

The mother, wanting to satisfy his curiosity but not wanting to say too much, replied "That, my child, is where god struck me with the golden axe".

He looks at it, looks at her, shrugs his shoulders and says

"Nice shot. Right in the cunt."


Friends are like trees

They fall down when you hit them with an axe


Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower

Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower... he asks, "Mom, what's that slit between your legs?".

Feeling a little flustered, she replies "Oh, oh..uh, that's where your father accidentally hit me with an axe!"

"Good shot", says Johnny. "Right in the cunt".


Friends are like trees.

If you chop them down with an axe they will die.


What do friends and trees have in common?

They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.


A little boy watches his mother as she dries off after a bath.

He points at her crotch and asks, "What's that?" The mother smirks and says, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe." The boy replies, "Got you right in the cunt, didn't he?"


What's the difference between a Scotsman and a high school jock?

One has a strong accent, and the other has a strong Axe scent.


An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"


Ninja Joke

Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?


A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"

To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"

The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"


A young boy walks into his mothers room when she's changing...

and he sees her naked. "Mommy, whats that between your legs?"

"uhh... well god hit mommy with a little axe and left a little axe wound" she replies nervously.



"wow," replies the little boy, "it's a shame he hit you right in the cunt"


I came home to find an axe buried in my pc

I think it has been hacked


Little Johnny's teacher asks,

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?


Just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray... his name is Brett and he won't shut up about cross-fit.


I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe


Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.


I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.

So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.


Little Johnny

Little Johnny walks in on his mom while she's taking a bath. Pointing to her crotch he asks "mommy what's that?" Startled and speechless she says "oh, that's where daddy hit me with an axe". Johnny then says "ouch, right in the cunt!?!?"


I sprayed a spider in my house with Axe, to try and kill it.

But now it's name is Chad, and he's fucking my girlfriend...


TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.


Best joke found in a college text book. nsfw kinda

A little 4yr old boy was taking a bath with his mother when he noticed that there was something different down there.. He then looks up at his mother and asks "mommy whats that?" the mom cought off guard says "well son, that is where god hit me with his axe." the son then responds "WOW he got you right in the cunt, eh?!"


A man asks a blacksmith to refine some ore....

The blacksmith says "put the ore on the bench, then beat it. I'll do it once I've finished up at the grindstone". The man says to the blacksmiths assistant "that was rude" and the assistant replies "what can I say, he has an axe to grind".


I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter.

My lawyer said it was an axe-a-dental death.


What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.


"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"

"Well sir, that's what they call it now"


What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe


Little kid goes running into the bathroom while his mum is having a bath

He sees his naked mother and asks "Mummy - what is that between your legs?"

His mother thinks quick and replies "Oh that's where Daddy accidentally hit me with an axe"

"Great shot!" replies the kid "Got you right in the cunt!"


[nsfw] A little boy walks in on his naked mother in the bedroom....

He points between her legs and asks her, "Mommy, what's that?"
She replies, "Oh, that's where Daddy hit me with the axe!"
He says, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt!"


If I was an executioner, I'd prefer to use an axe

It'd be easier to get ahead.


What are the most funny Axe jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Axe? Well, here are the best Axe dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Axe pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes