Comical Aww Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)
Wife: Tell me a joke.
Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
wife: what?
me: nothing, you've already told her twice.
**mutual chuckling**
wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?
me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater joke, you just made a muslim joke.
After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.
A man asks a blonde how many apples
can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".
The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.
Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Friend: Five.
Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.
A man walks into work one morning...
A man walks into work one morning with a n**... black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."
"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"
"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.
The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
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Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".
A man drives through a stop sign..
A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.
"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."
"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"
The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.
"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"
News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.
Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*
My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.
Me: You don't need makeup.
GF: Aww thanks
Me: You need plastic surgery
Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:
"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"
A little girl walks into a pet store...
A little girl walks into a pet store and approaches the clerk. "Im looking for a wabbit" she says.
The clerk, taken aback by how adorable this girl is, asks "Aww, well would you like a white wabbit, or a brown wabbit?"
The little girl replies "I dont think my python gives a thit"
You can explore aww uhh reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean aww shwitz dad jokes. There are also aww puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
"Will you be my Juliet and I will be your Romeo?"
"Aww, you love me?"
"No, I just thought the world would be better if we were both dead."
An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...
Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.
"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"
He doesn't respond.
"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"
He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."
Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."
Bad Romance
A lady approached me, and said
"Every time you smile, i want to give you my number!"
I said "Aww that's sweet. Are you single?"
She replied "No. I'm a dentist."
MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"
KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."
THE NEXT DAY
MOM: "No more TV until you finish your guitar practice!"
KID: "Aww, Mom!"
Boy: your teeth are like stars
GIRL: Aww.. thanks are they that much pretty?
Boy: no, far away from each other
The cellphone goes off in class...
Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.
Batman giving his Batmobile to robin
Batman: Robin, im giving you my Batmobile.
Robin: aww really batman? thanks!
Batman: yes, its 555-522-8626
The Cheerios
Twins, Johnny and Billy are turning 13 next week and so they were discussing growing up.
Since we are gonna be grown up now we should be able to curse
Johnny says Ok Billy you say s**... and I'll say a**....
So they head downstairs for breakfast ready for the day.
Their Mom asks what would you like for breakfast Boys?
Billy says aww s**..., I'll just have some cheerios.
Momma scoops Billy straight up spanks him and sends him to timeout.
When she comes back still flustered and asks Johnny and what about you?
I don't know what I want but you can bet your a**... it isn't Cheerios
I was chatting up this woman.
I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
What did Achilles say when he got hit by an arrow?
Aww heel no!
Kill me right now.
what did the t**... say after the botched operation?
Aww nuts.
My wife's friend had a baby...
She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."
I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...
Little Johnny: "Where does leather come from?"
Shoemaker: "Hide"
Little Johnny: "Hide? What for?"
Shoemaker: "Hide! Hide! Y'know, the cow's outside!"
Little Johnny: "Aww, who's afraid of a dumb old cow?" *wanders off.*
Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife?
Me: Honey, I already have someone like that!
Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet!
Me: Yeah, you should meet her!
A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10...
I said "you're an 11."
"Aww really?" she says with a huge smile.
I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points."
"A man with alzheimers tries to recall a joke-"
Wait, that's not how it starts
"A forgetful man tries to retell a story-"
No, no, that not it either
"A man-"
Aww, forget it
Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....
discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.
Aww, that's nothing, says Irv. I can remember this nice, dark room, and then being squeezed something terrible, and coming out into this big bright room and being spanked—it was awful.
I got you two beat by a mile, says Fred. I remember going to a picnic with my father and coming back with my mother.
A:"You are my drug"
B: "Aww because you can't get enough of me?"
A: "No you ruin my life and you cost too much."
Me: "Words can't describe how perfect you are." Her: "Aww thank you!"...
Me: "But numbers can! 3/10"
What did the oyster say when he got caught?
Aww, shucks
I decided to hand out free Twix bars to people passing by on the street.
I did this for about 10 minutes, then someone noticed I had no more in my hand.
"Aww, was that your last one?" they asked.
I replied "Don't worry, I have more Twix up my sleeve."
Someone asked me...
"Where is your father at?"
Me : "He is not on earth anymore"
"Aww, I am sorry"
Me : " He's an astronaut lol"
Savage dad
Son: D..d..d
Dad: Aww he's saying his first words!
Son: D-dad, stop m-making fun o-of my stutter.
A husband comes home drunk..
His wife shouts: "So, you're drunk again, you castaway!"
The man responds: " Aww, shut your mouth, im punished enough to see you double!"
Mommy mommy, in school they all call me liar!
Aww my Timmy, you're not in school yet.
A boy was walking his dog down the street, when one of the neighbors said: Aww! He's so cute! What's his name?
"James." he said
"Yep, that's my name!" said the boy
A couple are talking on the phone and they say:
"I'm nearly done, just doing my make-up"
"You don't need make-up honey"
"Aww thanks!"
"You need plastic surgery"
Woman in a bar says to her friend "My boyfriend cheated on me and i don't need a man like that"
Friend : Aww honey what happened
Woman : He said he prefers his wife sometimes.
What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?
"Aww Crepe."
Wife: Would you leave me for a trophy wife?
Husband: Honey, I already have a trophy wife!
Wife: Aww, thanks!
Husband: Yeah, you should meet her!
Two Arab mothers were looking at photo albums of their kids.
One mother says to the other " aww , look at them they blow up so fast"
Lion s**...
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have s**... 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aww, darn!" says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary!"
100 army men walk into a bar.
The bartender says "No, I won't serve all of you."
The army men all say "aww come on, we're good company."
Three guys were in a bar
Three guys were in a bar, then a drunk walks in and say:
"Aww beautiful, the Fantastic Four"
"But man, we are only 3"
"Because the woman is invisible".
What did the corn farmer say when his crop failed?
Aww shucks!
Mitt Romney was in my dream last night...
Real dream. We were at the airport, and as we boarded the plane I turned to him and said "Aww, c'mon man, you named your plane Airforce 1%?"
Husband opens the car door for his wife
Wife: aww you're so romantic
Husband: the door only opens from the outside
Human sees Doggo for the first time and goes "Aww"
Then he decides to name its body parts...
Jaww
Paww
Claww.
Did you know that your body is the temple of God?
Aww yeah, my body IS a temple & it's clearly harvest festival.
Now bring me the virgins.
What the dessert say when he ripped his shoe?
Aww there's a tear-amisu!
My cute kitten
Aww, wrong sub.
