Awoke Jokes

Following is our collection of slumber humor and groggily one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Awoke puns for adults, dirty morning jokes or clean morn gags for kids.

There is an abundance of sleep jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 31 funniest jokes on awoke. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any woken witze you can hear about awoke.

The Best jokes about Awoke

When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...

it was hard to grasp.

Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ

I should sleep with my mouth closed

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....

...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"

The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."

The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."

"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.

"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Sherlock says

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Watson?"

Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!


Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''

''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

LIAR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out.
A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy"
The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong.
She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"

Sherlock and Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here!


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson.

"Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see billions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Holmes and Watson on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.

What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, wake up and tell me what you see?"

"I see millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that, Watson?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"

Holmes rolled his eyes. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"

So I live next to a prison...

One morning I awoke to the sight of a little person breaking out of said prison, hastily climbing down the fence to freedom.

Sipping my coffee I thought to myself "*Well that's a little condescending".*

One day a teacher asked her students to use geometry in a sentence

The teacher was baffled that nobody could come up with just one sentence, and finally asked one quiet student in the back to say one... The student looked at her and said:

Once there was a little acorn and it was planted in the ground and grew and grew until one day he awoke and said "gee I'm a tree!"

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

A blonde, brunette, and redhead escape from prison.

They made their way down the nearest road looking for somewhere to hide out for the night. After a couple of miles, they come upon a Barn on the side of the road. They thought "why not?" and slept in the barn for the night.

Unfortunately they overslept and awoke to find police investigating the grounds around the barn outside. "Better take a look inside" they heard a cop say. They decided to each hide in an empty burlap sack in an effort to evade the police.

As the cop searched the interior of the barn, he came upon 3 filled burlap sacks. Being lazy, he investigated the sack with the brunette with a kick from his boot. "Woof!" said the brunette. "Ah, just a dog in this one," said the cop. He then kicked the one with the redhead in it. "Meow!" she said. "Just a cat in that one," the cop said. He then kicked the one with the blonde in it. The blonde confidently exclaimed, "Potatoes!"

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.

He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.

After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you would value 4 brazilian lives so much"

Trump responded "Just tell me, how many million is a Brazilian?"


The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"

Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"

My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car.

He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."

There are 3 men stranded in the wild...

and one day they see an abandoned house and go inside. When they go inside however, they realized that there's only one bed. The floor was filthy, so they had no choice but to sleep on the same bed. The next morning, the two men sleeping on each side of the bed awoke and started to notice an acute pain coming from their privates. The man in the middle however, told them he had an intense and wonderful dream about skiing.

Today I awoke with a song in my heart.

Someone had hacked my pacemaker.

My daughter had a sleepover last night. I awoke to a mess of rice scattered all over the floor...

...turns out they were having a pilau fight.

My goodness, said the grain of wheat as she awoke and found herself in a loaf of bread...

I've been reaped.

I was awoken last night by a strange, "cluck cluck cluck" sound and feathers falling on my face...

Must have been a poultry-geist...

Adam awoke from a deep sleep...

He was up and Adam.

Last night my daughter had a sleepover and I awoke to a mess of rice laying all over the living room floor

...they must've been having a pilau fight.

So, I went out and had a few drinks..

I decided to take a bus home. So this morning I awoke and I don't know what to do with the bus parked in my driveway.

I was awoken at the middle of the night by a woman bashing at my front door and screaming "help me, help me I've been raped"

After about 5 minutes of this I'd had enough and decided to let her out

I awoke and alerted my co-pilot he was on another bearing...

..."Yaw going the wrong way!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes