"It's not working anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to stay with my mother for awhile."
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"
The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Dad: "Go ask your sister and your mom if they'd sleep with the neighbor for a million bucks".
The boy returns awhile later...
Dad: "Well, what'd they say?"
Son: "They said that they would, but I still don't understand the difference between theory and reality".
Dad: "Son, in theory we could be millionaires but in reality we live with a couple of whores".
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid last night.
...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
A man and a woman have been married for many years, and they love each other very much, except for the fact that the husband goes to the bar every night and always comes home drunk. She's become really sick of this after awhile, so she decided to play a trick on him.
She dresses up in a devil costume and jumps out in front of his car one night when he's coming home from the bar. Startled, he screeches to a halt.
"Who the hell are you?" he says with a drunken slur.
"I'm Satan," she replies.
"Oh really? Well I think we've met before," he states.
"Really? When?"
"Well, I'm married to your sister."
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*
The lawyer keeps trying to get a blonde to play a game with him. After awhile she finally agrees.The lawyer explains the game to her. He says that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer it she will give him $50.Then she will ask him a question and if he can't answer it he will give her $500. She agrees. He ask her to say the first seven prime numbers in order. She thinks for awhile then gives him $50.She then ask him what has no legs, three arms, and is covered in fur.He thinks for awhile then gives her $500.Curious he asks her what the answer is.She gives him $50.
A blind man enters a bar, not knowing it's ladies night. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls quiet.
In a deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The woman to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
For the past couple months he's been falling in love and fucking his favorite goat from the herd. One day he decides to finally bring the goat into his home.
He shows the goat around the house for awhile and decides to show the bedroom where his wife is resting. The man drags the goat up the steps and opens the door.
He yells, "This is the pig I've been fucking!"
His wife replies, "What are you talking about Eugene? That's a goat."
"I was talking to the goat."
This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen\-year\-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year\-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."
but its been awhile.
After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is blonde.
3. I'm a 6ft tall, 175lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters. "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad. Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room. After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.
"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every once in awhile I have to bounce on top of him to push it back in," she exclaimed.
Johnny, just as puzzled as ever turned to her and said, "You're wasting your time, every day when you go to work Mrs. Jones from across the street comes over and blows it back up."
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
A young man is backpacking through Scotland and decides to stop in a little pub out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other people in the bar, the bartender and an old man sitting at the counter nursing a beer. He take a seat at a stool a couple down from the old man and orders a pint. After awhile the old man breaks the silence and turns to him...
"You see this here bar. I built this bar with me own two hands. Went out and found the finest trees, chopped them down meself. Sheared their trunks into planks of wood. Planned the surface till it was smother than a baby behind. Gave it more love and tender care than my own child. But do they call me McGregor the Bar Builder? No..."
He gestures out the window.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do you see that wall over there? I built that wall with me own two hands. Searched high and low for the right stones. Spent months piling and stacking them so they fit just right. But do they call me McGregor the Wall Builder? Nooo.."
He gestures out the window again.
"Look out upon that lake. Do you see the pier? I built that pier with me own two hands. Toiled against wind and rain and tide to drive the pilings into the sand. Poured me blood and sweat and the strength of my body into nailing every board down. But do they call me McGregor the Pier Builder? No..."
"But you fuck one goat..."
I was talking with old scotsman named McHaggen when he says to me " hey boyo you see that bridge, I built that bridge, but they don't call me McHaggen The Bridge-Builder."
He later told me "now you see beyond that bridge there's a house, I built that house, but they don't call me McHaggen The House-Builder."
After awhile he says "now beyond that house there's a church, I built that church, but they don't call me McHaggen the Church-builder"
"But, you fuck one goat!"
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.
"There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'."
The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness".
Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop.
"Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"
The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.
"It can answer *any* question! Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The CEO chortles to the salesman "Wrong! My father died five years ago!"
The computer answers "Your mothers husband died five years ago. Your father just landed a 10 pound trout."
"How about letting me have one of your women for awhile?" a pilgrim asked an Indian chief.
"That depends," the chief said, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have a wooded nickel to my name," the pilgrim replied, "All I have is a bag of corn."
The chief accepted the corn and led the pilgrim into a teepee, where he found a beautiful Indian women who offered him her backside.
Flustered, the pilgrim asked for her vagina.
"No," she replied, "That's my money hole. You get my corn hole."
The Boy asks, "Dad, what is sex?"
The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.
He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting penises into vaginas, and even shares about his sex life with the Boy's mother.
The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.
He then whips out a piece of paper.
"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"
My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share.
A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven." said Saint peter.
"Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!" said the zebra.
"Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy." Peter told him.
"Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
"Hhhmmm, I honestly am not sure, that is a question for God himself to answer, why don't you go ask him." Peter said.
"Alright." Said the Zebra.
So the Zebra goes to the Lord and ask,
"God am I a white horse with black strips or a black horse with white stripes?"
"You are what you are." God answered.
The Zebra more confused now then ever goes back to saint peter.
"Well, what did he say?" asked Peter.
"He told me, I am what I am?"
"Oh, that's an easy one, you're a white horse with black stripes!" Peter told him.
" How do you figure that?" The Zebra asked.
" Because" Peter said "If you were a black horse with white stripes he would have said, You is what you is."
One day iguana is walking through the forest and sees monkey up in a tree just puffing away on a big joint. Iguana yells up, "Hey monkey, can a brotha get a hit of that?" Monkey looks down and says, "Sure little dude come on up." So iguana and monkey sit in the tree and finish off the giant spliff.
After sitting for awhile, iguana tells monkey, "I got the cottonmouth bad, gonna go get some water." and toddles off. While drinking from the river, he's so stoned he falls in and starts flailing around. Crocodile comes over and helps him to shore and says, "What the hell was that about?" Iguana tells crocodile that monkey has got some serious weed and crocodile walks off to find monkey. He reaches the tree and yells up, "Hey, monkey!" Monkey looks down, his eyes get really wide, and says, "Shiiiiiit, dude, how much water did you drink?"
Bill is sitting at home on his computer when his wife Cindy comes downstairs. She starts telling him about her day and after awhile she realizes he is not listening at all. Fed up with all his inattentiveness she tells him, "when I wake up tomorrow I expect to see something sitting in the driveway that goes from zero to two hundred in less than five seconds."
The next morning Cindy wakes up and looks outside to find a scale sitting in front of the garage.
Funeral services will be held this afternoon.
A burglar had been planning to rob a couple for awhile. He was sitting outside their house, knowing they would be leaving soon for vacation. They leave, and he enters the house. On the first floor, he's looking around and he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you. He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and continues to the next floor.
On the next floor, he's looking around and hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you." He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and goes to the last floor.
On the last floor, he's going through their stuff, and he hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you, and he's not happy. He shines a flashlight around, and sees a parrot.
"So you're the voice I've been hearing"
"Yes, my name is Moses."
"What kind of people name a parrot Moses?" asks the burglar.
The parrot responds with "The same kind of people that name a rottweiler Jesus"
a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved over to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so he started fingering her like crazy. After awhile he got tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".
So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "it's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.
She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.
"I didn't realize you were a cop".
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Awhile? Well, here are the best Awhile dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Awhile pick up lines to share with friends.