Awhile Jokes
98 awhile jokes and hilarious awhile puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about awhile that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Awhile Short Jokes
Short awhile jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The awhile humour may include short whilst jokes also.
- If you ever trip in public... ...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."
- You know the only good thing about quarantine? I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.
- I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard. I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.
- Why did it take up until last year for volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States? Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out
- How do you tell the difference between an alligator or a crocodile? It depends if they see you later or in awhile.
- Baby skin isn't as soft as they say it is. Or maybe my rug is fake...
(Repost but haven't seen it in awhile!) - I'd been suspicious of my wife for awhile so tonight I asked her if I was the only one she'd slept with last year. Thankfully she said yes. The others were 7s and 8s.
- So I had been seeing this girl for awhile... And things were going really good at first.
But then I lost my binoculars. - Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love... They date for awhile, get engaged, and then get married. The wedding ceremony itself wasn't that great, but the reception was amazing!
- Ever since I made a joke about koalas there's been a couple jokes popping up every once in awhile, but you know what I'm sorry. This sub has become a little un-bear-able
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Awhile One Liners
Which awhile one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with awhile? I can suggest the ones about simultaneously and aloud.
- I can't remember the last time I listened to Staind but its been awhile.
- Why do centipedes live so long? It takes them awhile to reach their last legs.
- I'd tell you this joke I have about a chair... ...but I'm just going to sit on it awhile.
- Haven't listened to Staind since middle school... ...it's been awhile
- Can't remember the last time I had a Staind song stuck in my head It's been awhile
- I tried out necrophilia for awhile The relationships felt so lifeless
- It's taken me awhile... pqwNfycKm9Sw8QdGCuzlgH9Q7q2ojOAEOtPHIrSf8daxA
- What happens when the Avengers are in trouble? They need to stay Loki for awhile
- How often do I drink Blue Moon? Once in awhile.
- What do you call a booger that you've been squishing for awhile? Boograr
Laughable Awhile Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about awhile you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean whist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make awhile pranks.
Two blondes and a car
Two blondes come out of the mall after a couple hours of shopping, and when they get to their car they realize they locked the keys inside. Luckily, they had bought some clothes so they grabbed a wire hanger and began taking turns attempting to pick the lock. After a good 30 minutes, they still hadn't gotten inside, and after trying for awhile, one girl hands the hanger to her friend and sits down next to the car. She sighs, looks up and worriedly says to her friend, "Uh oh, we'd better hurry; it looks like it might rain and the top's down."
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck...
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had s**... for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'
At a cinima
a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was f**... herself furiously. He moved over to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so he started f**... her like crazy. After awhile he got tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked. "Great," she said, "but these c**... are still itching!"
A group of blondes are chanting "31 days" in a bar...
so after awhile the bartender gets curious and asks one of the blondes "why are you ladies chanting 31 days?". The group parts and the blonde responds "you see this puzzle here?? we finished it in 31 days! and the box says 2-4 years"
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?
Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one!
Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street
The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?"
The rabbi replies "out if what?"
Do you know who you're talking to?
John starts his first day at a law firm.
In his office, he grabs the phone,
John: Get me some coffee, quick!
Voice: Sorry, you've connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to?
John: No?
Voice: I am the Director of this law firm..
John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you're talking to?
Director: No?
John: You don't? Excellent *hangs up*
The doctor told me I couldn't lift large objects for two weeks after surgery.
Guess I'll be peeing sitting down for awhile.
Go fly a kite
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"
The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."
Why do gay guys have a really good fashion sense?
Well, you would think so after spending so much time in the closet..
Read this somewhere awhile ago and made me laugh XD
A man walks into a doctor's office with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his bottom.
The doctor examines him for awhile but doesn't say a word.
Finally the man can't help himself and asks "Doctor, is this a problem?"
The doctor replies:
"Problem? It is just the tip of the iceberg!"
A penguin is driving his car..
..when he hears a strange noise, and takes it to the mechanic.
The mechanic says it will take awhile and suggests the penguin go across the street to grab some ice cream while he waits.
So the penguin eats his ice cream with his flat little fins and tiny bea, then he goes back to the shop to talk to the mechanic.
The mechanic says, It looks like you blew a seal.
The penguin says, NO, that's just ice cream!
-Heard it from a guy at work.
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?
So I have had this joke in my mind for awhile but cannot figure out the best delivery...
Why is it ok for police to keep r**... kits in their cars?
but if I have one, I am some sort of criminal.
Our homemade guacamole turned darker green after sitting out for awhile
Seems like after hitting the air, it guacsidized.
One Second
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*
For awhile
I'm thinking about going out tonight...I haven't seen those blurry people that ask me how much I've had to drink for awhile!
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?
Because the Doctor can never see him.
10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?
Because one more would be one-f**... bowl of chili!
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?
Because he was Snowd en!
(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)
I got the job even though I kept telling them I'm not a plumber.
It took awhile to sink in.
A boy asks his dad the difference between theory and reality..
Dad: "Go ask your sister and your mom if they'd sleep with the neighbor for a million bucks".
The boy returns awhile later...
Dad: "Well, what'd they say?"
Son: "They said that they would, but I still don't understand the difference between theory and reality".
Dad: "Son, in theory we could be millionaires but in reality we live with a couple of w**...".
"Daddy every time you go on a business trip mommy likes to bird watch"
"Oh yeah? Where's her favorite spot to bird watch?"
"The bedroom"
"What do you mean?"
"Well every time you leave mommy comes home with her bird watching friends and when they go into the room after awhile I hear her friend say " s**..."
Did you hear about that Reese lady?
Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...
Guy 2: Witherspoon?
Guy 1: No, with her knife.
Classic that I haven't seen for awhile
Two s**... are racing each other to get to the egg first
After awhile one s**... says, "Shouldn't we be there by now?"
The other s**... says, "I don't think so, we just passed the esophagus."
I used to complain about the bright car lights in my rear view mirror
I removed it awhile ago, and haven't looked back since.
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
While meandering in the candy aisle at the store my wife says, "you know what I haven't seen in awhile?"
Apparently, "your toes?" was not the answer she wanted.
I was in Iran for awhile and got a little bit depressed about something for awhile
so I called the s**... hotline but the rates were expensive so I did it myself.
I've been working on this amphibian joke for awhile but I'm too nervous to say it...
...it's still a work in frogress.
My girlfriend broke up with me recently, told me I only care about myself and that I "never listen to her"..
At least I think that's what she said, haven't seen her in awhile
Anti-Vaxers are meeting today to change their name
After finally debating for awhile, they all agreed on Pro-Disease.
BREAKING NEWS: Snails in Puerto Rico losing their homes just as badly as the people.
But with limited relief resources, they will have to slug it out for awhile.
When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.
I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.
Been awhile since I've seen some United Airline jokes on this sub
Guess they were dragged out of the meta
TIFU by sending the wrong thing to Africa
After working for the UN for awhile, I discovered that I was supposed to send aid to Africa... not AIDS.
This bar that was near my house turned into a f**... home awhile back.
The place isn't as alive as it used to be, but they've still got some cold ones in the freezer.
What do creepy men and spiders have in common?
They both have sticky hands after being on the web for awhile.
I hear being Tarred and Feathered can be really be really tiresome.
After awhile, you're just wearing down...
Why did the horseman Pestilence, take his horse to the vet?
Because it was disease ridden.
Side note: I tried posting this awhile back and worded it badly, its original though i made it up while watching Supernatural.
In one episode of Dexter's Laboratory, Dexter fires Dee-Dee because.....
....he can't focus properly when she distracts him. So he hires this pretty blonde girl to mimic Dee-Dee, and he asks her "I want to see you dance" "That'll be 50$ extra" Took me awhile to figure that one out
A cop lights me up for speeding
Im driving down the road and a cop lights me up
So I took off and made him chase me awhile..
Finally I give up and pull over.
The cop walks up and says, "Look, its the end of my tour, Im tired,
I dont feel like doing paperwork, If you give me a good excuse, Ill let ya go"
So I say "Last week my girl left me and ran off with a cop,
I thought you were trying to bring her back"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first orders 1 pint, the second orders a half pint, the third a 1/4 pint, and so on. This goes on for awhile until the bartender finally stops them, hands them 2 pints, and says "you mathematicians just don't know your limits"
An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?
This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.
Funny joke idea.
I don't know why some people don't like beards, they kinda grow on you after awhile.
My American Indian friend was with his sister in the back seat of my car
We sat idle for awhile and then he said, "can you turn on the i**..."... shocked, i reached around and rubbed his sisters thigh
Working in the bubble gum industry is rough...
After awhile, they just chew you up and spit you out!
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesnt scream when its put in the oven.
Old but gold, Ive been sitting on that for awhile and I see we're doing Jew jokes now.
A man walks into a bar...
and let's just say he was knocked out for awhile.
E: anyway, i'll take my leave...and not hit the bar
I tried my hand at prostitution for awhile, and I must say
I was absolutely w**...-able at it
This will take awhile
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"
A joke my dad told me awhile ago
How do you get a squirrel out of a tree?
Pull down you pants and show him your nuts.
A duck walks into a bar....
He orders a few items from the menu, and decides on what he wants. After awhile the barkeep brings the food to the counter and the duck begins eating.
When the duck gets done, the barkeep asks the duck: How you wanna pay for this today?
The duck says: Put it all on my bill.
In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.
Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The lone ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.
They recently removed the u**... from our mens washroom at work...
I really miss that u**.... I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!
The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...
appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, I've got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.
Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, Why blue?
A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...
There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.
The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable so got out and asked the boy again if he was sure there were no sharks.
The boy, looking at the couple, a little irritated now, said: Believe me, Sharks don't come where there are Crocodiles.
I was in line at a busy bank...
I was in line at the bank and it was very busy so I had to wait awhile. At the front was a lesbian couple setting up a 529 plan for their new daughter's education. Behind them was a gay man waitinf to refinance his car. A bisexual couple was behind the gay guy talking about a home equity loan. Behind them was a trans person looking for HSA advice for upcoming treatment. I just had to wait behind the LGBT queue.
Old geezers sharing jokes
Group of old geezers been getting together at the same bar for decades. They always tell each other jokes. After awhile they know all the jokes so well, they just designate a number. Like ole Joe would say, 103, and everybody would be laughing their a**... off. One day a toothless Jack said 10,587! Everyone just roared, and roared and roared! Somebody whispered to his buddy, what's so funny about dat? His buddy said, Cause we haven't heard that one before!
Two bats are going for their midnight feed
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
My dad's latest dad joke
My dad raises rabbit and goes through a lot of hay. As we're getting a new bale out a truck drives by with big round bales.
Me: that would keep you in hay for awhile.
D: rabbits can't eat those.
Me: what? Why not?
D: not good for them
Me:You mean the type of hay
D: nope, can't have those big round ones.
(This back and forth keeps going for like ten minute as I suggest why they can't have them and his just saying no)
Me: is there an actual reason why they can't have that hay?
D: (smirks) they won't get a square meal
Me:(floored)…did you just wind me up for like ten minutes to tell me a dad joke??!
D: yeah
This just happened.
9 year old: I need some water. I haven't aten any in awhile...
Me: Aten?
9 year old: oops! I mean dranken.
Me: Did you actually just correct yourself to "dranken?" Are you on cracken?
9 year old: what's cracken?
Me: Not much what's crackin' with you!
