Awful Jokes
117 awful jokes and hilarious awful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about awful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best of the worst with this collection of terrible, sick, and god awful jokes that are still terrific! You won't be able to help but laugh at these awful jokes!
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Funniest Awful Short Jokes
Short awful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The awful humour may include short horrible jokes also.
- Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate. - TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
- Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat
- [God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord!
- I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.
- What do you call a sexist Masseuse? A Massaginist!
It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it. - I ran my car into a pole late last night The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
- Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great... But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.
- Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library? It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.
- They Say "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life". Sure enough... All of these felony convictions are making it awfully hard to get a job.
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Awful One Liners
Which awful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with awful? I can suggest the ones about terrible and dreadful.
- What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds
- A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke. He said he'd be right back
- I own the worlds worst thesaurus Not only is it awful, but it's also awful.
- So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds. That's awfully cheap for a human baby.
- Wow, you all like my corny dad jokes? Aw, shucks.
- If there's two things I've learned in life It's that I'm awful at counting.
- This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns and I'm losing interest
- What's the best part of a waffle? The w. Without it it's just awful.
- I hate jokes about airline crashes They're just plane awful.
- What did the disappointed oyster say? Aw shucks!
- (Awful joke)What did the Elephant say while scolding her children? Tusk Tusk
I am so sorry - I once burnt down a shoe factory I feel awful when I think of the soles lost
- I just watched godzilla Vs. Kong, it was awful... ...One could even say it's Monstrous
- I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful It only covers iDoctors
- Picking herbs is an awful job... ... It's very thyme consuming.
God Awful Jokes
Here is a list of funny god awful jokes and even better god awful puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long? Polaroids.
^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful. - What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode? A bomb appetit...
My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.
God, I'm awful, sorry about that! - Everybody's pushing this Bird Box thing, but it sounds awful A new bird every month? My God, I'll go broke in a year on the millet costs alone.
- The other day someone asked me "what was the matter?" I simply replied "dark"
God this an awful joke
Amusing & Witty Awful Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about awful you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean atrocious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make awful pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...
...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"
The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."
The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In a classroom
The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a w**... nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up w**..., it will be done in a month, what's the rush'
Have you heard the joke about the girl with Progeria?
It got old pretty fast.
(I know, it's awful).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
WW2 joke. I read this conversation between two Counter-Strike players ingame...
(I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this)
Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war.
Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
Player1: My god that's awful...
Player2: Yea, he fell down from the guardtower.
Player1 has left the game
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas c**... joke
A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alien abduction
Harry, Bill, and Steve are siting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and was abducted by an alien." Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?" "All I remember is being anally probed." Ted says. Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that." Says Harry. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Steve."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
Frank's wife goes missing
Frank's wife goes missing and a week later he bumps into his friend Larry on the street. "Frank! How are you? You look a little worse for wear. Any news on your wife?"
"Hi Larry, I'm alright. They said I should be prepared for the worst."
"Oh god that's awful!" Larry sympathises.
"Yeah I know right. I had to buy all her stuff back from the thrift shop this afternoon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bank robbery
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that s**... gun anyway."
I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend...
I do miss him.
"Now then" said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot.....
"I would like to know two things: First: why did you revolt? Second: how did you get out of our cell?" One of the three men stepped forward "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful". "I see. And the cell, what did you use to break the bars?" "Toast" replied the leader,
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
Why don't frogs use screws?
Because they prefer rrrrrivets.
*been using lots of rivets on a project lately when I came up with this awful dad-style joke. But I'm 40 and a dad so I'm a fully-licensed dad joker ."*
My sister-in-law has step-children
and that's awful, why won't she use regular stairs like everyone else
A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed
The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.
The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.
Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.
My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...
So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.
A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...
he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.
My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously."
I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.
What's the difference between awkward and awful?
Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
A couple are dining at a German restaurant...
A couple are dining at a German restaurant, and so far it has been awful. The appetizers were cold, the beer was warm, and the main course has been in preparation for over two hours.
They call over their waitress to complain about the appetizers and the beer, and to ask where their entrees are.
She frowns and replies, "The wurst is yet to come."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Awful pick up line
Are you my big toe?
Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.
Apparently, if a bear attacks, you are supposed to play dead.
You know, that sounds an awful lot like something a bear would say...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...
The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.
"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"
The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"
"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout b**... BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"
A picture worth millions
A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it awful to be an egg?
You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.
If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool
...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.
Now you've got a swing.
My first three wives...
"The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."
"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"
"I did," I say,
"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful"
I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
He died doing what he loved
Is an awful thing to say at the f**... of a drug addict who overdosed
Lil piggy is sick
A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"
A doctor's appointment
A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."
Kid says to his mom: "I wish I was never born, my life is a joke!"
She replies: "And the delivery was awful!"
'Will you kids stop making that awful racket!'
Said the quality control officer at the sporting goods factory.
I got fired from work today..
My boss said my communication skills were awful.
I didn't know what to say to that.
I feel awful. I just tried to make pancakes for my kids but they were way too flat.
They shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man witnesses a m**...
The police bring him in to a sketch artist, the sketch artist asks him questions about the m**... until he finishes his drawing. The sketch artist then asks the man "does this look like the m**...?" the man replies with "it's an awful good drawing and all, but it looks nothing like the picture I took".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.
Now it's considered kid stuff.
What kind of poultry is good at dancing?
A twerkey!
Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time.
Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when
the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"
Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well he's in your cat"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
A man marries a women who is a very good cook..
Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."
Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"
"Awful" He replies.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?
It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Looks like I'm going to need to have the drug talk with my son.
Because the p**... he sold me was really awful.
A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,
But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a m**... Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a good thing h**... didn't kill more black people.
Because I'd feel awful every time I said I wanted to bake brownies.
Mozart runs into a bar...
He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.
The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?
Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!
(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )
What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?
Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on s**...?
Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today, after a quick search, I realized that I'm actually related to a lot of people on Reddit.
Either that, or it turns out that there are just an awful lot of nice grandpas who s**... at building cabinets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just don't get how the german people could fall for h**... and the n**...
There were an awful lot of red flags.
Little Johnny
An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,
"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"
Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"
Little Johnny: "Run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Oh my God! That's terrible! Are your grandparents or your uncles or aunts or any of your relatives at home?"
Little Johnny: "No! All of them run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "What are you doing all day then?"
Little Johnny: "Drive the tractor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old lady in a bus
OL: stop the bus. I need to p**....
BD: gran, I can't stop the bus. We're 30 mins to a rest stop. Hold it in. It's just your imagination.
OL: really, stop the bus. It's peaking.
BD: it's just your imagination.
5 mins later, BD stopped the bus as he smelled something awful.
BD: gran, did you just s**... on my bus? It smells awful.
OL: O come on son. Drive along now, it's just your imagination.
