Awesome Jokes

Following is our collection of superb humor and spectacular one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Awesome puns for adults, dirty badass jokes or clean incredible gags for kids.

There is an abundance of dancin jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on awesome. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any great witze you can hear about awesome.

The Best jokes about Awesome

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

fight club

I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ


Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

I hate being bipolar.

It's awesome

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.


What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman...

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife

I thought it was an awesome trade.

On average, a single male has sex 89 times a year.

Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!

A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"


The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.


My buddy has big news...

He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm banging twins."

"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"

"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."

A son says to his father...

A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"

The father replies "No son, you're autistic."

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear, the other's an awesome year.

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too.

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

I hate being bi-polar...

It's awesome!

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Wow that's awesome," his boss asks, "What do you have in there?" The guy answers, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

I got married to an antenna...

The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!

The Parrot Says ...

A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?"
And the parrot says: "Africa."

The grace of the hunt

Two brothers, who are hunters, get invited to a very famous Hunting club by their father. Once there, they mingle with the members and have an awesome time. Tons of drinking, lots of stories about big game hunting. As the night was nearing it's end, the young men's father asks them if they would be interested in speaking to the club's oldest member, and they, of course, jump at the opportunity. Their father points them to a very frail looking elderly man sitting in a recliner. The young men introduce them selves, tell the old man some of their stories, and all three of them clearly enjoy each other's company. Just as the young brother's were about to leave, the old man starts to tell them his greatest story.
" I was hunting alone in the African wilderness. I found myself with no food, water or shelter. As the day was coming to an end, i barely managed to gather enough wood for a fire. I start to doze off with my rifle in hand, when i hear a rustling sound behind me. I jump to my feet and, just as i turn around, a 600 pound, male lion jumps out at me and lets out a great big ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! And, i just crapped my pants"
The young hunters look at one another. Finally, one of them says " I mean, sir. Given the circumstances anyone would have done so".
"NO!" the old man replies, "Not then, just now when i said ROOOOOOAAARRRR!!!"

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you mean?"

**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"



Husband stayed home all Easter.

An engineer sees a fellow engineer on a new bike...

An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle.


"That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks.


"Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'"


The first engineer replied "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you!"

Two guys who haven't seen each other since High School meet...

**Guy 1**: Hey George! Haven't seen you in such a long time! How's it going? You went to study Philosophy like you always wanted?

**Guy 2**: Yea! I have a license in Philosophy!

**Guy 1**: Oh, that's awesome! And your sister told me that you also studied Journalism after that?

**Guy 2**: Yes. I'm thinking of even getting a Master's in Journalism.

**Guy 1**: Good job George, I'm proud of you. Keep it up! I'll have a Big Mac now please.

Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!

A guy says to his best friend "Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!"
His best friend asks him "Why are you scr*wed?"
The guy responds "Well my girlfriend took me out to dinner with her parents, and gave me a h*ndjob under the table..."
His friend says "DUDE Thats awesome! Why are you screwed though?"
The guy says "It was a glass table."

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a sniper is awesome

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because D-shells are too big and B- shells are too small.



*A random elderly woman just stopped in the street in front off where I was sitting and told me this. Awesome*

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye

I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.

Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"

Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"

Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"

Noah: "What school?"

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

3 men go to a hotel late at night

Only one room is left and there is only one large bed to sleep on, the men decide to go and share it.

The morning after...

Man on the left: Guys, I had an awesome dream last night. I hooked up with this smoking hot blonde and got a handjob!

Man on the right: whoa, what a coincidence... I had a similar dream but with a red head!

Man in the middle: That doesn't even touch the dream that I had! I was a professional skier!

After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.

"Honey, I used to be a Christian."

I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."

"Good! I like being a Christine."

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language?

Anticlimactic

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds

"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

Two homeless guys

Were walking along by the train tracks one day.

Guy#1 said "man, the other day I had the best day ever. I found $100 and I was drunk for a week straight."

Guy #2 said "nice man, that's awesome. The other day I had an great day too: I was walking along and I saw this beautiful naked woman lying by the side of the road. So I brought her behind some bushes and made love to her for a week straight."

Guy #1 said "woah, man, that's awesome. Did you get head too?"

Guy #2 replied, "no, man, I couldn't find it."

Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.

Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.

One student persisted.

And got the answer - the dictionary stated:

"Dumbass" - the person who looks up for the word "dumbass" in a dictionary.

Our joy was limitless.



I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs!

I can't put 'em down!

What do sharks say when something radical happens?

Jawesome!

So I met this girl at a party. Kate.

She's really awesome and about as gorgeous as they come. Anyway, we went out a couple times and really hit it off and I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend about a month later... Then just a couple weeks ago this other girl, Edith, started working at the hospital in the same department as me and had been showing quite a bit of interest. She's just as awesome and attractive as Kate but she has a little more of a bad girl streak in her (which is my kryptonite) so I couldn't make up my mind of who I wanted. So I decided to go out with Edith to see it out and not tell Kate that I was going to do this. Eventually Kate found out about Edith and stopped talking to me completely..which is understandable. But then Edith got mad that I was seeing her while I already had a girlfriend and now SHE'S not talking to me. So now I have no one....I guess the moral of the story is: You can't have your Kate and Edith too..

I went to see a Topless Ventriloquist last weekend.

She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.

Then did you jump?

A young soldier finally got his first jump in at Airborne school. The young man proudly calls home from Ft Benning to tell his dad all about it.
"hey dad, I finally got my first jump!"
"awesome, tell me all about it" said the enthusiastic father.
"well pop, first they load all of you into a C130 and you take off in a very fast and violent climb"
"sounds scary. So then did you jump?"
"No dad, not yet. After that ascent the jumpmaster yells 10 minutes!"
"and then you jumped?"
"not yet dad. After that we all stood up and hooked up our chutes"
"did you jump then?"
"not yet dad. After that the jumpmaster yells 30 seconds and that's when you stand in the door"
"then you jumped?!"
"no dad, after that the jumpmaster yells green light go!"
"and then you jumped!"
"nope, not yet. I froze in the door. The jumpmaster looks at me and says, 'if you don't jump out that door I'm going to shove this baseball bat up your ass!'
"then you jumped?!"
"well, a little at first."

My boss pulled up in an awesome new car today

"Wow, that's a really nice car, sir. I'd love to drive one of those..." I said.

He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, then I can get an even better one next year."

I got a new deodorant today.

The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".

Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell AWESOME

3 guys are waiting while their wives give birth

A nurse emerges from the back and says, "Mr. David, come on back, your wife has delivered two beautiful babies!"

"Wow! Twins, huh? That's interesting, I'm from the twin rivers." Said Mr. David

After another hour, a second nurse comes into their room and says, "Mr. Smith, you wife has had healthy triplets!"

"That's awesome!" Replied Mr. Smith, "I'm from the three islands, Jonu, Frot and Trik." And with that he went back with the nurse

The third man begins sweating and praying. The first nurse returns to see if he's fine and if he needs anything. He looks terrified so she asks what's wrong.

"I'm from the forest of 1,000 trees!!"

Cans of paint

A man knocks on his neighbor's door:

"Hi. I noticed you painted your bedroom last month and since we have a similar house, I thought I'd ask you how many cans of paint you bought."

"Sure thing! We bought seven cans"

"Awesome, thanks!"

A few days later, the man knocks on his neighbor's door again, looking a bit ticked.

"Hello again, what's up?"

"Well, the other day, you told me you bought seven cans of paint for your bedroom, right?"

"Right"

"Well, the whole room is painted and we have three cans left".

"Oh, you too?"

My son came out to me yesterday. I'm so disappointed.

I love my son, but this is tearing me up inside. I always thought I would be able to handle something like this, but this really is tough. It impacts so much of our relationship and family time. I mean, I had planned this big family dinner Sunday evening. (I smoked an awesome roast pork, I was so excited.) But I had to cancel it because of his choice. And it IS a choice. I don't know what to do at this point. Seriously, how have any of you handled your child going vegan?

A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"

To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome!

An American moves to the Scottish Highlands...

An American moves to the Scottish Highlands. After 3 months he gets a knock on his door from one of the local residents.
"So I heard ya just moved here, an' I wanted to tell ya I was throwin' a party. Do ya want to come?"
"Sure," the American replies, "A party would be awesome!"
"But I have ta warn ya, there's gonna be some dancin'!"
"But that sounds great! Why wouldn't I come?!"
"Well, I also have ta warn ya: there'll be some fightin'!"
"Oh, that's no problem! I was a boxing champ in college, it would be great to get back at it!"
"Well, ok then.... But I still have ta warn ya: there'll be rough, dirty sex!"
"Well, I haven't been with anyone for a long time, so some sex would actually be pretty enjoyable. But... I have to ask: how should I be dressed?"
"Ah, just come as ya are. It'll be just you and me!"

Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier.

I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "raper".

I guess his name is a double-edged sword.

Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!"

Daddy, is god a Man or a Woman?

Father: God is both.

Boy: Is God Black or White?

Father: God is both.

Boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?



*Note* I know this joke is outdated, but a very close friend told it to me a couple years ago and as she recently passed away, I'm posting it here so people can know she was awesome.

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes