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Awesome Jokes

104 awesome jokes and hilarious awesome puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about awesome that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover awesome jokes that will make you laugh out loud! From awesome kid jokes to impressive animal jokes, get ready to have a good time. Alex shares some superb jokes that will keep you entertained for hours.

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Funniest Awesome Short Jokes

Short awesome jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The awesome humour may include short cool jokes also.

  1. Gay parents are awesome! * "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
    * "Because your other dad loves roses"
    * "Thanks dad"
    * "No problem, Richard"
  2. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.
    PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.
  3. With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
  4. fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
  5. Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
  6. I asked my wife, How do you spell invulnerable? She said, I-N-V-U..
    I said, Everyone does, because I'm awesome!
  7. Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
    Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
  8. I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME. I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
  9. TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!
  10. My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
    "Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
    "Two-thirty."

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Awesome One Liners

Which awesome one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with awesome? I can suggest the ones about nice and amazing.

  1. My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
  2. I think there should be a vote recount. It'll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.
  3. I hate being bipolar. It's awesome
  4. I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife I thought it was an awesome trade.
  5. My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  6. For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
  7. I hate being bi-polar... It's awesome!
  8. I got married to an antenna... The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!
  9. What do you need for a movie about broken bones? An awesome cast
  10. I got a new cell phone for my wife... Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
  11. Nine of ten doctors agree: Getting paid to endorse things is awesome
  12. What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language? Anticlimactic
  13. What do sharks say when something radical happens? Jawesome!
  14. I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs! I can't put 'em down!
  15. My girlfriend is beautiful and awesome at soccer She's a keeper

Awesome Kid Jokes

Here is a list of funny awesome kid jokes and even better awesome kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Most things escape baby goats.
  • Cats are like kids.... They're awesome. As long as they're someone else's.
  • Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?
  • Why don't cosplayers make awesome costumes for their kids for Halloween? Because they are virgins
Awesome joke, Why don't cosplayers make awesome costumes for their kids for Halloween?

Gather Around for Heartwarming Awesome Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about awesome you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fantastic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make awesome pranks.

One day after s**..., my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?
A German.

A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."

Daddy, is god a Man or a Woman?

Father: God is both.
Boy: Is God Black or White?
Father: God is both.
Boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?
*Note* I know this joke is outdated, but a very close friend told it to me a couple years ago and as she recently passed away, I'm posting it here so people can know she was awesome.

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

The Parrot Says ...

A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?"
And the parrot says: "Africa."

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.
Dad: Who is she?
Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.
Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.
Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.
His mom hugs him affectionately and says,
Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

My buddy has big news...

He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm b**... twins."
"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"
"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.
... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!
... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.
... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams.
... Dementia.
But I maintain full cognitive... Um. What was the question?

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome!

On average, a single male has s**... 89 times a year.

Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!

My boss pulled up in an awesome new car today

"Wow, that's a really nice car, sir. I'd love to drive one of those..." I said.
He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, then I can get an even better one next year."

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

I went to see a t**... Ventriloquist last weekend.

She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.

Little Jimmy is sitting on the floor playing with his toy trains

A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,
Jimmy! I am you from the future!
Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?
A p**...... he replied, locking the door.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman...

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye

I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.
Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"
To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

A son says to his father...

A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"
The father replies "No son, you're autistic."

After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.

"Honey, I used to be a Christian."
I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."
"Good! I like being a Christine."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are travelling in their car when they break down in the desert. They each take one thing from the car to walk back to the nearest town. "I'm taking the sandwich so if we get hungry we can eat it." says the redhead. "Okay, I'll bring some water so if we get thirsty we can drink it." says the brunette. "Awesome!" Exclaims the blonde. "I'll take the car door so if we get hot we can roll down the window!"

What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The bartender looks in amazement and says, "how awesome! Where did you get that!?"
Suddenly the parrot looks up and says, "Oh him? Africa, there are millions of them there..."

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

Boy: [kissing g**... couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!

A guy says to his best friend "Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!"
His best friend asks him "Why are you scr*wed?"
The guy responds "Well my girlfriend took me out to dinner with her parents, and gave me a h*ndjob under the table..."
His friend says "DUDE Thats awesome! Why are you s**... though?"
The guy says "It was a glass table."

Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier.

I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "r**...".
I guess his name is a double-edged sword.

Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"

Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"
Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"
Noah: "What school?"

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a s**... is awesome

Who is a "d**..."

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "d**..." as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"d**..." - the person who looks up for the word "d**..." in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.

Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"

3 men go to a hotel late at night

Only one room is left and there is only one large bed to sleep on, the men decide to go and share it.
The morning after...
Man on the left: Guys, I had an awesome dream last night. I hooked up with this smoking hot blonde and got a h**...!
Man on the right: whoa, what a coincidence... I had a similar dream but with a red head!
Man in the middle: That doesn't even touch the dream that I had! I was a professional skier!

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"

Husband stayed home all Easter.

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."
"Go on then" the second one says.
"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"
The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"
"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

I got a new deodorant today.

The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell AWESOME

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Wow that's awesome," his boss asks, "What do you have in there?" The guy answers, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

I'm so proud of my son. He went so far.

Mother: I'm so proud of my son. Never would I have thought that he would go so far
Father: Yeah, that catapult is awesome.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)

After being inside for months, I decided to go out today.

The graphics were awesome, but the storyline is terrible.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."

Sharing Secrets

Tammy and Margo met for drinks at Happy Hour. After a few drinks Tammy said, I have to tell you a secret, I am getting a b**... job.
Margo said, Wow, that is awesome. Let me know, and I will help you any way that I can.
After a few more drinks Margo said, I wasn't going to tell you, but I am going to have my a**... bleached.
Tammy thought a moment and said, Really?, I can't picture your husband as a blonde.

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist?

She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.

At the Spelling bee

Judge: Your word is 'Invulnerable'.
Me: I-N-V-U-
Judge: I am pretty awesome.

American guy walks into a bar

An American guy walks into a bar, he has a big beautiful, colorful, parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says Wow! That thing awesome, where'd you get it?'
The parrot says In America, they got millions of 'em!

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a h**......It was friggin awesome."
Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a h**... dream too!"
While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the center said, "Lucky stiffs. In my dream, I was skiing."

Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I'M NEW HERE!
user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

Funny joke (i hope so)

Patient: hey doc i take s**... every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock

Entrees?

A guy and his date walk into a bar and order some drinks and mozzarella sticks. After a while, the bartender checks back on them. "Hey folks, how are the mozzarella sticks?" the bartender asks. "Great, thanks," the guy replies. "Awesome. Do you guys want some entrees?" the bartender asks. "No, on plates is just fine," the guy replies.

Morris says to his teenage daughter "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is "awesome" and the other is "g**...."

"OK" she replies, "what are they?"

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

Horses are awesome during the day.

But then, they become night-mares.

Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are.

You really are the love of my life…
– Sir – I'm sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I know…

Awesome joke, Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are.

jokes about awesome