Gather Around for Heartwarming Awesome Jokes and Uplifting Humor
One day after s**..., my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
A joke for Europe
A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?
A German.
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife
I thought that was an awesome trade
A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."
Daddy, is god a Man or a Woman?
Father: God is both.
Boy: Is God Black or White?
Father: God is both.
Boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?
*Note* I know this joke is outdated, but a very close friend told it to me a couple years ago and as she recently passed away, I'm posting it here so people can know she was awesome.
Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."
I hate being bipolar.
It's awesome
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
The Parrot Says ...
A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?"
And the parrot says: "Africa."
A happy family.
Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.
Dad: Who is she?
Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.
Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.
Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.
His mom hugs him affectionately and says,
Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.
I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife
I thought it was an awesome trade.
You can explore awesome superb reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean awesome badass dad jokes. There are also awesome puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My buddy has big news...
He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm b**... twins."
"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"
"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."
A doctor diagnosed me with...
... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.
... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!
... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.
... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams.
... Dementia.
But I maintain full cognitive... Um. What was the question?
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome!
On average, a single male has s**... 89 times a year.
Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
My boss pulled up in an awesome new car today
"Wow, that's a really nice car, sir. I'd love to drive one of those..." I said.
He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, then I can get an even better one next year."
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
New machine at the gym
There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
I got married to an antenna...
The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!
I went to see a t**... Ventriloquist last weekend.
She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.
fight club
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ
I hate being bi-polar...
It's awesome!
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman...
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.
Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!
What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language?
Anticlimactic
With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..
The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"
His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"
To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"
My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.
We are maid for each other.
A son says to his father...
A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"
The father replies "No son, you're autistic."
After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.
"Honey, I used to be a Christian."
I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."
"Good! I like being a Christine."
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
Gay parents are awesome!
* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
Boy: [kissing g**... couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!
A guy says to his best friend "Oh man, I'm so scr*wed!"
His best friend asks him "Why are you scr*wed?"
The guy responds "Well my girlfriend took me out to dinner with her parents, and gave me a h*ndjob under the table..."
His friend says "DUDE Thats awesome! Why are you s**... though?"
The guy says "It was a glass table."
Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"
Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"
Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"
Noah: "What school?"
Nine of ten doctors agree:
Getting paid to endorse things is awesome
Fight Club was awesome!
Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs!
I can't put 'em down!
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning
Being a s**... is awesome
Who is a "d**..."
While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.
Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "d**..." as it was completely clear.
One student persisted.
And got the answer - the dictionary stated:
"d**..." - the person who looks up for the word "d**..." in a dictionary.
Our joy was limitless.
β
β
3 men go to a hotel late at night
Only one room is left and there is only one large bed to sleep on, the men decide to go and share it.
The morning after...
Man on the left: Guys, I had an awesome dream last night. I hooked up with this smoking hot blonde and got a h**...!
Man on the right: whoa, what a coincidence... I had a similar dream but with a red head!
Man in the middle: That doesn't even touch the dream that I had! I was a professional skier!
What do you need for a movie about broken bones?
An awesome cast
Great Easter joke I heard today
**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
β
Husband stayed home all Easter.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Batman Impression
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."
"Go on then" the second one says.
"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"
The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"
"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
I got a new deodorant today.
The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell AWESOME
A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...
"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Wow that's awesome," his boss asks, "What do you have in there?" The guy answers, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
What do sharks say when something radical happens?
Jawesome!
I'm so proud of my son. He went so far.
Mother: I'm so proud of my son. Never would I have thought that he would go so far
Father: Yeah, that catapult is awesome.
Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates
So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)
After being inside for months, I decided to go out today.
The graphics were awesome, but the storyline is terrible.
A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."
My girlfriend is beautiful and awesome at soccer
She's a keeper
I think there should be a vote recount.
It'll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.
My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully
- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$
Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist?
She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.
PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.
At the Spelling bee
Judge: Your word is 'Invulnerable'.
Me: I-N-V-U-
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I asked my wife, How do you spell invulnerable?
She said, I-N-V-U..
I said, Everyone does, because I'm awesome!
Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress
When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a h**......It was friggin awesome."
Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a h**... dream too!"
While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the center said, "Lucky stiffs. In my dream, I was skiing."
Internet discussion:
user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I'M NEW HERE!
user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.
user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
Funny joke (i hope so)
Patient: hey doc i take s**... every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock
Entrees?
A guy and his date walk into a bar and order some drinks and mozzarella sticks. After a while, the bartender checks back on them. "Hey folks, how are the mozzarella sticks?" the bartender asks. "Great, thanks," the guy replies. "Awesome. Do you guys want some entrees?" the bartender asks. "No, on plates is just fine," the guy replies.
Morris says to his teenage daughter "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is "awesome" and the other is "g**...."
"OK" she replies, "what are they?"
Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!
LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!
Horses are awesome during the day.
But then, they become night-mares.
Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are.
You really are the love of my lifeβ¦
β Sir β I'm sorry, this is a brewery!
β Oh I knowβ¦
Doctor: Well, your arm is broken. You'll need a cast for about 8 weeks and you'll be good as new
Me: When the cast comes off, will I be able to play the piano?
Doctor: I don't see why not.
Me: AWESOME!!!! I've always wanted to play the piano
I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.
TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country
It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!
