The Best 73 Awake Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Awake jokes. There are some awake snore jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these awake drowsy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Awake Jokes and Puns
My neighbor is so inconsiderate!
He came pounding on my front door at 4am.
Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Last night my wife asked me how many women I have slept with
I answered just you honey. I was awake with the rest of them.
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
A woman turns to her husband and asks...
"Dear, how many women have you slept with?"
He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."
The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.
I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
- from MASH
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...
Does Santa work for the NSA?
My uncle's wife...
My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.
She was my vigilauntie.
Men's Help Line
MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
The wife
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
You can explore awake wake reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean awake bed dad jokes. There are also awake puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
An old married couple is talking...
...when the husband asks,"Sweetheart, have you ever slept with other men ?"
"No, I only slept with you. I was awake with the others."
This guy at the bar yells in my face "Have you been sleeping with my wife?!"...
I said "No, she's always awake when I'm over there"
My dog kept me awake all night.
Dreadful diarrhoea.
Don't think I cooked him properly.
He sees you when you're sleeping,he knows when you're awake
A date with Bill Cosby
I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come...
...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
How many women have you slept with
wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up...
And then it dawned on me.
A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"
The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "
Ever hear the story of the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He would lay awake at night worried about the existence of dog.
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.
I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?
Nocturtle
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.
A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed
and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me.
But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?
He's awake now!
Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?
Because the rest of the world is awake!
My wife has started doing this really odd thing during sex.
She stays awake.
A man, his girl and his nights.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
Irishman and the fire
Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.
They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.
"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.
"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."
I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic
Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.
What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?
It's a Cala-Mario!
I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.
Between the Coffee and the Cocaine
I think it's Colombia's mission to keep the world awake.
My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with
"Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.
Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.
How is Santa Clause like Bill Cosby? (NSFW)
If you're awake, they aren't coming.
Counting sheep
Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.
Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?
Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.
Bill : Did you try counting sheep?
Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By the time you get up, drive all the way to the farm and then drive back, you're wide awake again
What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?
One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
How many women have you slept with?
An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling, the man replied proudly. With all the others I was awake."
"How many men have you slept with?"
A jealous husband asks his wife.
"Only you," she replies.
"Good."
"All the others were awake."
After a long night at the pub I knocked on the door quietly so I wouldn't wake the kids. I stood there and hoped that my wife was awake, then when there was no sign of her I shouted "Let me in!"
A man opened the door, and said, "Sir, please step away from my taxi."
When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"
I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)
I was awakened at 3 am by some hooker screaming and pounding on my hotel door.
She got so loud, I finally had to get up and let her out.
I frequently lie awake at night...
...wondering what keeps insomniacs from sleeping.
I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…
… but then it dawned on me.
Kids are like dreams
Disappointing when awake.
Some sea mammals sleep with half their brain in deep sleep and the other half wide awake
This was developed as an evolutionary mechanism for survival, but biologists have documented a similar mechanism in workers at the DMV
If I've been awake too long...
Could I be thrown in jail for resisting a rest?
I was arrested for being awake too long
The cops said i was resisting a rest
I'm an insomniac agnostic who suffers from dyslexia.
I stay awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Unexpected morning sex:
I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.
That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...
But luckily you're still awake because you're drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase
I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...
I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.
I can't believe my neighbour.
He knocked on my door and yelled for me AT 2am. 2am! Can you believe him? Lucky for him i was still awake playing my drums.
My wife asked me if she was the only one I had slept with and I said yes.
I stayed awake the whole night with the rest of them.
My wife asks me, "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"
"Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.
One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally oral sex will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's screaming for help. The nurse rushes in to find the hubby pulling up his pants screaming, "I did what you said, but I think she choked."
Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think
Where the hell did my roof go?
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning
The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"
People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy
...but really, sleep is for the week
My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other.
We've been awake since Friday.
Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?"
Wife: "zero"
Husband really happy: "really?"
Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"
Ok bye
I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or . . . .
if you operated on the right patient.
A man wakes up the mental ward
Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.
What's that?
Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.
Okay.
Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...
My what?
What do you call an insomniac agnostic with dyslexia?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a *dog*.
I used to be a dyslexic insomniac agnostic...
I lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the awake slept jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working awake sleep piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.