Awake Jokes
141 awake jokes and hilarious awake puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about awake that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Awake Short Jokes
Short awake jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The awake humour may include short woken jokes also.
- My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with "Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake." - The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
- What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
- I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake. I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
- Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?" Wife: "zero"
Husband really happy: "really?"
Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"
Ok bye - What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with She said Yea, I was awake with the other ones.
- My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.
She was my vigilauntie. - What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant? It's a Cala-Mario!
I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake. - The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403. I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
- from MASH
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Awake One Liners
Which awake one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with awake? I can suggest the ones about waking and wake up.
- My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake. She's a nightmare
- I was arrested for being awake too long The cops said i was resisting a rest
- What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle
- My dog kept me awake all night. Dreadful diarrhoea.
Don't think I cooked him properly. - I frequently lie awake at night... ...wondering what keeps insomniacs from sleeping.
- I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up... And then it dawned on me.
- People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy ...but really, sleep is for the week
- He sees you when you're sleeping,he knows when you're awake A date with Bill Cosby
- If I've been awake too long... Could I be thrown in jail for resisting a rest?
- Did you hear about the kid-napping at the school? Well, he's fine. He's awake now.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering where the word etymology came from...
- What do you call a drug addict who has been awake for 14 days straight? A "two-weeker"
- Startling awake... is a good way to startle a wake
- What's long and hard and keeps women awake? A final exam in the morning.
- The clocks went back. Really enjoyed an extra hour in bed awake with our screaming son..
Stay Awake Jokes
Here is a list of funny stay awake jokes and even better stay awake puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy? Do some light speed.
- they say ambien gives you bad dreams if you try to stay awake after you take it but I am convinced that it is actually due to all these flying fire spiders
- There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight. When asked why he did it, he said Sleep is for the week.
- What do you call a criminal trying to stay awake? Resisting a rest.
- Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
- You want me to stay awake for 48 hours? Pfff, I'll do it in my sleep
- What's the deal with the Z Fighters? They aren't fighting to stay awake!
Ridiculous Awake Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about awake you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean asleep jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make awake pranks.
My neighbor is so inconsiderate!
He came pounding on my front door at 4am.
Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife and I had been kept awake by the couple in the apartment below because their bed was squeaking while they had s**....
We banged hard on the floor in protest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mens Help Line
MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month
Hi John,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected
for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs:
if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the
girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home
but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the
shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car
buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and
slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I
noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that
something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Little Mary
Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said "Mary, who created the Earth as we know it"? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed "Oh good Lord"! "Good job"! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary "Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?". The little boy stuck the pin in her back again and Mary screamed "Oh Jesus Christ!". "Good job!" said the priest. After Mary yet again fell asleep, the priest asked "Mary, after having their 23rd baby, what did Eve say to Adam?". The boy stuck the pin in Mary's back and she screamed "If you stick that thing into me one more time, I will rip it in half!".
dyslexic x 2
1) Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.
2) So, the dyslexic guy goes into a bra.
Three men are shipwrecked...
... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.
The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. So the man chooses poising.
Then they go to the third man and tell him that they will use his skin to cover the bottom of their boats, and tell him to chose his own form of execution. The man asks for a fork, and they bring him one. He then starts stabbing himself and says, "lets see you float a boat with this."
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
I think my wife is cheating on me
I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, Just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Holmes and Watson on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Taking a sick day
An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have s**... with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling much better the next day."
The employee shows up the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed, walks in to his boss's office and said "Gee boss, that worked really well! I feel loads better! Nice house by the way..."
Narcolepsy
A man with narcolepsy visits his doctor and asks for help.
"Well I have a drug that can help keep you awake, or I've just heard of a new treatment which can fully cure you! However, it's still in the testing phase and could possibly kill you. You need to decide which treatment you'll have."
After a short time considering, the man is still unsure.
"Is it okay if i come back tomorrow? I'll have to sleep on it doc."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip...
and in the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson awake. He says "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."
Watson says "well, I see the stars, and that makes me think about our place in the universe. In the face of such cosmic vastness, aren't we really just insignificant? And what of life on other planets? In all the universe, ours can surely not be the only planet to support living beings. Perhaps one day we shall be able to reach the stars and find out for ourselves. Why do you ask, Sherlock? What do you think of when you look up?"
Sherlock replies: "somebody stole our tent".
I want to press charges on Santa
If he knows when I'm sleeping, and he knows when I'm awake, that has to be considered stocking.
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...
Does Santa work for the NSA?
Arthur and Friends
The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.
But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?
When did King Arthurs men practice? Joust at night.
Kings are old when they reach the age of sovereignty -- then they
worry about their receding heir line.
For kings, uprisings were a peasant surprise.
Puns can be made on any subject, but not kings. Kings aren't subjects.
I took some Benadryl, then I expected it to work but I was still awake for a while, it didn't why
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Help Line
MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
The wife
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, What was that all about?"
She explained, The egg timer's broken."
This guy at the bar yells in my face "Have you been sleeping with my wife?!"...
I said "No, she's always awake when I'm over there"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know what's funny about Asians?
You don't know whether they're awake or asleep. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
My parents were really confused when I was a kid...
They would always put me to bed when I was wide awake and wake me up when I was sleeping.
How does Michael J Fox stop his bad dreams?
He shakes himself awake.
Fight with Alarm Clock
Had a fight with my alarm clock, i refused to wake up, things got voilent. Now its broken and i am awake don't know who won.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...
At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right m**...!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"
(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call someone who can't find a job?
A Psych major.
(Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.
How come I was wide awake while watching the Wall Street sewuel
CAUSE MONEY NEVER SLEEPS!!!
Did you hear about the lady with Alzheimers that has never slept?
She says she's been awake as long as she can remember.
I just got awake from sleep, after 61 days
April Fools :D
got it ; 61 days ..earlier ..from today right, no ?
alright move on :|
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning s**.......
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
One night Eve shook Adam awake and asked him "Adam, are you cheating on me?"
Adam groggily replied "No, of course not Eve... Go back to sleep!"
About an hour later Eve shook Adam awake again. "How do I know you aren't cheating on me?"
Adam said "Look Eve, you are the only woman in the world, made by God from my very own rib. I love you and I would never cheat on you. Now, please go back to sleep!"
Another hour passes and suddenly Eve begins poking Adam in the chest. "EVE" yells Adam, "What are you doing??!?!"
"Counting your ribs" She replied.
What is the first thing a zombie couple says to one another when they awake?
Good mourning
A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed
and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
"♪ ♫ He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... ♪, ♫"
Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me.
But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
So a neighbor asked me if I wanted to do some math...
And let me tell you, I've been awake for 3 days straight and never knew how much I liked math!
Which college football team keeps people awake at night?
The long horns
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having trouble staying awake at work but my coworker beat me to the last cup of coffee in the p**....
It's like they say: if you lose you snooze.
I'm a responsible driver
When I'm awake
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?
Because the rest of the world is awake!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lift up as I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said "Thanks," and walked back to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
I have been awake for already 72 hours
Not in a row of course but still.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife has started doing this really odd thing during s**....
She stays awake.
A man, his girl and his nights.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
Why do baseball players use alarm clocks?
It keeps them up, up, and awake
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets in a horrible car c**....
He wakes up two weeks later with his arm all bandaged up, The doctor is notified that he is awake and comes to the room to see how he's doing. When the doctor gets to the room the man is very concerned about his wrapped up arms and asks the doctor how much damage was done? Don't you worry foe a second about your arms and hands, we are the best surgeons in the state and I promise you that they will be better than new. Will I be able to play the piano after all this? Yes the doctor says, and with that a huge smile comes across his face. That's awesome the man says....I've always wanted to know how to play the piano.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 strangers have a one night stand
The next morning, when both were awake, the woman turned to the guy and asks gently:
"Are you going to make me breakfast or do you s**... at that too?"
I woke up this morning and told my wife that I had a dream I was trying to call her but she never answered...
She said "Sorry, I must have been awake."
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
What's the difference between getting Cosby'd and a prostate exam
Your awake for the latter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cops are now beating up African-Americans who stay awake too long…
They say that they won't tolerate b**... who are resisting a rest…
What do you call a sleepy bear?
Bearly awake.
I work nights and just got out of work
I feel like I've been awake for 2 years
Counting sheep
Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.
Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?
Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.
Bill : Did you try counting sheep?
Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By the time you get up, drive all the way to the farm and then drive back, you're wide awake again
After a long night at the pub I knocked on the door quietly so I wouldn't wake the kids. I stood there and hoped that my wife was awake, then when there was no sign of her I shouted "Let me in!"
A man opened the door, and said, "Sir, please step away from my taxi."
