awake Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious awake puns

I was awakened with a blowjob today

I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

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My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with

"Only with you babe..." I replied

"Awww, really?"

"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."

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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

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My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

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A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

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What do you get when you combine insomnia, dyslexia and agnosticism?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

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I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic

Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.

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A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed

and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"

The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."

"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."

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How many women have you slept with

wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

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A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

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How many women have you slept with?

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling, the man replied proudly. With all the others I was awake."

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A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

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I was arrested for being awake too long

The cops said i was resisting a rest

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I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

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Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?

Because the rest of the world is awake!

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What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

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My uncle's wife...

My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands.

She was my vigilauntie.

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The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

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A woman turns to her husband and asks...

"Dear, how many women have you slept with?"

He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."

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Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

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Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

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What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?

It's a Cala-Mario!


I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.

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An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. As he's coming to, the idiot rubs his head and finds he has no hair. "That barber is a right moron!" he exclaims, "He's got it all wrong and woken the bald man instead of me!"

(this joke from the Philogelos, is over a thousand years old

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Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

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The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.

I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.

- from MASH

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I think my wife is cheating on me

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, Just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

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Three men are shipwrecked...

... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.

The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. So the man chooses poising.

Then they go to the third man and tell him that they will use his skin to cover the bottom of their boats, and tell him to chose his own form of execution. The man asks for a fork, and they bring him one. He then starts stabbing himself and says, "lets see you float a boat with this."

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Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, What was that all about?"

She explained, The egg timer's broken."

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What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

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What are the most funny Awake jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Awake? Well, here are the best Awake dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Awake pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes