Avoid Jokes
120 avoid jokes and hilarious avoid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about avoid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Avoid Short Jokes
Short avoid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The avoid humour may include short ignore jokes also.
- Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative number? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
- I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
- You know why I hate elevators? Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
- "Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events... ... to something like "Reigning Men."
- How do you get a hipster to take a shower? Give them a leaky showerhead.
You know, so they can avoid the main stream. - If you're afraid of elevators Take steps to avoid them.
- Wife: You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing. Me: I'm truly sorry that you feel this way.
- Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola? The Cowboys Stadium.
Because they can't catch anything there. - Learn how to avoid clickbait!!! Don't do what you just did!
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Avoid One Liners
Which avoid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with avoid? I can suggest the ones about prevent and escape.
- Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not
- Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not.
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- I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
- For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
- When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Why do sumo wrestlers shave their leg? To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
- Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.
- KID : What are condoms used for? DAD : To avoid such questions.
- How to avoid clickbait Not like this
- Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Certainly not.
- I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
- My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- I am a social vegan. I'm avoiding meets.
- How do you get over the fear of elevators? Just take some steps to avoid them.
- There are two kinds of people in this world... Avoid both of them.
Rib-Tickling Avoid Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about avoid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean danger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make avoid pranks.
Why are companies who sell snacks sexist?
Cause they avoid trans fat
A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor
A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
I've decided to avoid Turkey this Thanksgiving...
Way too close to Syria.
Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?
It was on a strict diet of worms.
Be careful people,there are a lot of scams on the internet
For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them
Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I avoid telling Titanic jokes because
they're terrible at breaking the ice.
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?
They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]
This week a team at NASA announced a mission to land a probe on the sun
To avoid the extreme heat of the sun, they explained, the probe will land at night.
A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen
He comes back and finds another note: "me too"
Password security questions for the depressed
What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?
How many millennials does it take to change a light-bulb?
One, but he has to create a safe-space where the light-bulb can go to avoid being offended that it's being replaced.
Why do ISIS fighters avoid Montreal restaurants?
because they serve Poutine.
I stepped on a nail the other day
I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point
What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality
In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers
People stopped at nothing to avoid them
A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?
Because the steaks are too high.
An alcoholic is sitting at a bar
He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."
Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?
He didn't want any beef.
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.
But Donald ducks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public m**...?
He nuts and bolts.
I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off".
Best $600 I have ever spent!
There's a new scam involving counterfeit copper tone sunscreen.
Police are warning the public to read the ingredient list to avoid getting burned.
Pro Life Tip
PLT : Avoid Abortion Clinics
Stormtrooper helmets
I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid s**...
"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't trust people who avoid the sun.
They're shady.
I try to avoid the homeless horse down the street
I hear he's unstabled
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A daily exercise routine..
..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.
You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...
...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.
The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nothing is funnier than watching newscasters try to avoid saying sh*t hole
By saying as*hole
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a man i avoid wearing pink shirts or anything too feminine ..
thats why my bra and p**... are always black.
There was a guy who REALLY hated the elevator.
He took many steps to avoid it.
He didn't avoid the subject of his erectile dysfunction,
it just never came up.
How do you avoid stds while in a dangerous cult?
By making sure to practice safe sects
The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.
Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.
Why I avoid talks about sexuality with my dad.
Me: " There are genes that effect the likelihood of someone being gay."
Dad: " Ya, especially the tight ones."
A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...
Suddenly the radio starts booming: Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.
The man, confused at this alert thinks to himself One car? There are hundreds of them!
Apparently not.
Does anyone know how to avoid clicking jokes that have been ruined by putting the punchline in the title?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do aliens avoid having s**... in public?
They prefer to come in peace
If you're looking for true love...
Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.
A good advice to avoid click bait
Better luck next time.
Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?
He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.
I hate elevators.
I will take steps to avoid them.
A friendly reminder to avoid all pottery while the outbreak is going on.
They say the virus originated in china.
As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.
I find it very difficult to pull it off.
I created a wormhole, but it doesn't work.
Now it's just something to a-void.
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you
They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place
I no longer need to wear a mask
Now that I have my COVID 19 positive shirt people juts avoid being near me
What precaution should you take after you break your leg in two places?
Avoid those two places.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Being an adult is
basically trying to avoid people who have seen you n**..., while trying to find new people to see you n**....
Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"
And the fee is non-refundable.
Reckless Driving
A man was driving on the highway when all of a sudden he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck that was in front of him.
Seconds later, a police office pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.
"I had to swerve otherwise I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.
"OK," replied the officer, as he ripped up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?!"
"Tacks evasion."
My new and 100% original (and truly terrible) COVID pirate joke...
How did the pirates manage to avoid the pandemic?
They cove-hid.
If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......
If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, with who?
But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.
Instead ask, with whom? It is important to speak good English.
Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving?
Because a fat man falling to Japan is a bad idea
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A barbarian s**... in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter
They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to o**... s**... only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.
There are a lot of scams on the internet...
For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.
