Average Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

My math teacher said I was average...

How mean.

Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

Where are average things manufactured?

At the satisfactory.

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

My girlfriend says I'm average.

I think she's mean.

On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

An average person loses virginity at the age of 17

I always knew I was above average

My math teacher used to call me average.

How mean!

What is the average maths teacher like?

Mean

A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

Guy: You're the most average girl out here.

Girl: Hey, you're mean!

Guy: No, you are.

If Shrek had been an average movie, it would've been

Mediogre

My sister made me some coffee today

Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl

Guy: You're the most average girl here

Girl: You're so mean

Guy: No, you are

The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire...

on average.

My statistics professor told me I was average...

... I told her "that's Mean".

Everyone tells me I'm average...

That's just mean.

On average, a single male has sex 89 times a year.

Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!

My girlfriend and I have sex an average of twice a week.

I have sex zero times a week and she has it four.

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

Did you know that there's a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can't jump

What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor?

The foundation's been laid.

The worst thing about mean jokes is...

The average person doesn't understand them.

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

This will blow your mind!

If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.

I accept that my son is only average at school...

...he means well.

They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds

That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5

What do you call an average looking ogre?

Mediogre.

Where are average people made?

The satisfactory

An economists left leg is on fire and his right leg is frozen...

He says "on average I'm perfectly fine".

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

I'm 24 years old and still a virgin.

At least i'm above average at one thing.

What is the average grade of a pirate in college?

High C's

One time a friend called me average...

to which I replied, you're mean.

A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."

The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

If I had a dollar every time I was called sexist...

I'd be making more money than the average woman

Why was 5 a good lover?

Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.


_____

Follow up:

Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."

______
 

^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)

How would you describe the average bully?

Mean.

Why should you never call someone average?

Because it's mean.

Recently, a group of scientists discovered...

a subclass of ant has a genetic mutation that makes them grow larger than average, DESPITE missing a jointed segment on their legs. This same mutation also causes them to have an aversion to dairy-based foods, even with their high based sugar content.

TL;DR lack-toes-in-taller-ants

How much does the average introvert weigh?

Not enough to break the ice.

A Weenie Contest.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

Today someone told me I am average.

I told them that's just mean.

Immigration to the US is a good thing.

Everytime someone moves to the US from their home country, the average IQs of both nations go up.

Someone told me my math skills were average.

I replied that they were just being mean.

My stats teacher told me I was average.

I thought that was mean.

A Canadian in New York

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

I walked up to a girl in a bar and told her "you're the most average girl in here"

Her: well you're very mean

Me: No you

Missing report

A husband went to the police station to file a missing report


Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Officer: -What is her height?

Husband : -Average, I guess.

Officer: -Slim or healthy?

Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.

Officer: -Color of eyes?

Husband : -Never noticed.

Officer : -Color of hair?

Husband : -Changes according to season.

Officer : -What was she wearing?

Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

Officer : -Was she driving?

Husband : -Yes.

Officer : -Color of the car?

Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...

My wife called me mean...

... so I called her average.

The crab saw it. (average length)

In the first grades classroom one day, the teacher asks the students:
-*Why* *is* *the* *flounder* *so* *flat* ?
Alan then quickly responds:
-*Because* *he* *had* *sex* *with* *a* *whale*.
The teacher gets mad, and sends Alan straight out of the classroom. The teacher then asks another question:
-*Why* *are* *the* *crabs* *eyes* *so* *big* ?
Alan then opens the door and sneaks his head out into the classroom and says:
-*Because* *he* *saw* *the* *whole* *thing* !

The average woman would rather be beautiful, than
smart

...because the average man can see better than he can think

At what age does the average 4chan user find out they're autistic?

thREEEEEEEEE

Why did the pirate prefer slightly above average students?

Because he always preferred the high C's

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

On average women gain weight if they're married

When they're single, they come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, look at what's in the bed and then go to the fridge.

A guy was on a boring date with a girl, so he said You're the most average girl here . She said You're mean

He said No you are

My math teacher told the whole class I'm average...

she's mean

A professor was teaching a class of hyperintelligent youngsters on Game Theory

"To get an A in the test tomorrow your score will have to be as close as possible to 2/3s of the average score of the class."

Afterwards everyone signed up for the test.

The test was the next day.

No one showed up.

Did you know there is a species of deer that can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house cannot jump.

What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't?

On average, about $30,000 in student debt.

Where are average cars made?

The satisfactory.

I took the girl from my maths class on a date

We met for a few drinks at the bar on campus. After a while I took a look around the room.

"Wow, you're the most average girl in here."

"What?! You're mean!" She screamed.

"No, you are."

Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It's just mean.

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

-Jerry Seinfeld

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?"

"I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."

What are the funniest average jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Average? Well, here are the best Average puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Average pick up lines to share with friends.

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